A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Me and a guy at work have been attracted to one another for several years now.We both came out of serious but painful relationships around the same time. Mine was a longer relationship so it took longer to get over. We both have one child each, mine grown up. He is nearly five years older than me, so nearly 50.About three years ago, things reached 'fever pitch' in terms of attraction - he suddenly upped things by about 10 gears and I was confused and taken aback by how strong he was coming on to me as it was unlike his usual subtle behaviour. I learned soon after that things were definitely over with his ex. Being lonely and hurting, and although I was confused by what he was doing, his attentions were like bliss for me BUT I did not return them in an equal measure. I held back even though this was excrutiating at times. This was because, at the time, I had no idea what his situation was with his wife, because of being in the same workplace, because his behaviour in itself was confusing AND when I did find out about his situation, I suspected he was on the 'rebound' although I also thought he genuinely liked and respected me. The more that I did not respond or open up to him completely, the more confused and hurt he seemed, although he did not show this much as we had to work together.I recently found out that, after this period of high attention towards me, he then had another relationship with someone he had been friends with for many years and who he was working on a project with for a short period. It didn't work out, he says because she could not accept that his kid came first. I suspect this is true, but I also think there may be more to it than that - for his age he seems, at times, very emotionally immature and quite suspicious and awkward around women. Having said that, when I talk him through some things he is quick to understand and the suspicion drops.Whilst he was in this 'rebound' relationship his interest in me definitely waned, but it never ever disappeared entirely. And at times recently he has flirted very obviously with me. I know he really respects me and my work but the situation has made me very tense around him and I don't think he quite understands why. Recently we went out and it was confusing. I felt he was confused about whether to friend zone me or to keep flirting with me or to treat me like a work colleague. In the end he confessed that he felt like I want "everything" and he is not sure he can give it - he stated things to do with my personality and to do with his son. I later accepted what he said about me and that, for myself, I do want to sort these things out, but they are not what I am entirely.I explained I haven't been in many relationships and simply get confused about how to do 'casual', and that perhaps I had given the impression of wanting 'everything' because I was scared having come out of a very long relationship and probably needed to feel secure with someone. I will be leaving work soon and won't be his colleague any more, but whilst we've been working together I've found the situation very difficult, despite liking him.I'm known for being an extremely giving and sincere person, with a great sense of humour and also very passionate about my work. At times I can honestly be the one lifting the atmosphere right up and getting people to laugh and have fun. But I admit that I've found it hard to be totally light hearted with this guy, given the circumstances that we've both been in. So I think he is partly projecting some fear on to me. On the other hand, I've since realised I don't necessarily want a serious or heavy relationship with someone right now, and that I need and needed a little more time to figure that out because I was just scared and unconsciously veering towards what I know - long term serious relationships. I'm also not sure if he is saying this about me wanting 'everything; because he is hurt that I did not respond to his early advances and held back, but also never stopped liking him or showing it - he must have been confused by my behaviour I think. But I did not want to be someone's rebound girl - surely that's fair enough and doesn't necessarily mean that I want a committed relationship from the word "go"? Having said that, I totally understand why he thought this.I'm not now thinking of any form of relationship with him at all - I just want to see what happens I guess and have also accepted that nothing may. But I have talked to male friends about what's happened and they think that he is projecting his fears on to me having come out of an awful marriage where he was 'taken to the cleaners'. They think that, ironically and now that I'm clear that I don't want a committed relationship with him or with anyone, and stop being scared and lighten up around him, he will overcome his fears and want a relationship with me because they think he is still very interested.What do people think? I've heard that sometimes if a man rejects you out of fear then it's best to be his friend and lighten up around him and just see if he is still interested. I'm just about ready to do this as my own circumstances have changed for the better recently. And I have honestly seen that I need to stop working to my old pattern. Should I keep him in my life in any form or just cut my losses and forget about him completely?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 August 2013):
 Since he is a co-worker and rather all-over the place in his behavior - I would tone down the flirting and JUST be professional co-workers and perhaps friends, but I would not start anything remotely romantically with him.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 August 2013):
 I think your instincts are serving you well and ANY advances that are unwanted should be a great warning sign so it sounds as if you've answered your own question. Serve yourself well and look onward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): I think you have very good instincts, and you've handled the situation most outstandingly.
You realized that while he was going through his divorce, he was also experiencing a range of confused emotions about you, about himself, and his behavior was a reflection of the turmoil in his life.
You wisely dodged all that. You are quite a wise woman; so often we overlook the red-flags. You learned well from your past experiences. As have I. You have no tails of woe to report as a result of that.
I don't think you need him in your life, moving forward. I think he requires some maturing, in spite of his age.
I think he is manipulative, and doesn't do things above the table. He seeks vulnerability, and goes for the weakest antelope falling behind the herd. You didn't allow him to use you as the rebound-girl. The tone of your post would have been a lot different if you had.
No I don't think his continued involvement in your life will be of any particular value. It's okay to stay in touch should you need a professional reference; but other than that, a very distant and casual connection. No connection would be best advised.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 August 2013):
 I don't think he is reliable. His reaction to strong emotions towards a woman he likes was to escape from it and to form another relationship. He wants things on his own terms, without being considerate with your feelings. I guess that makes him emotionally immature. He also talks and makes statements when they are convenient for him, to dodge responsibility. He wants it casual when he's scared, and he wants it serious when he feels insecure. It sounds like a no win situation to any woman involved. I am not interested in a long term or even a casual relationship with this man.
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