| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi thereI have been married for 10yrs and have 3 young children. Two yrs ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Mum came and lived with me at this time and I became Mum's full time carer.Around this time my husband seemed to distance himself from me. With 3 young children and mum who was in a lot of pain I got no support from my husband at all. Mum sadly died 3 mths after diagnoses. While coming to terms with the loss of my mother, I just went into some kind of robotic mode oblivious to what was going on around me. When I needed my husband most he wasn't there for me. A few months after Mum passed away, I found out that my husband had become very close to a women who works for him [he has his own bussiness] and had started an affair with this women around the time mum was diagnosed with cancer. To cut a long story short, one and a half years on and we've managed to get our marriage back on track, deep down I still feel a lot of resentment towards him, but what angers me more is this woman is still working for him. I've asked him many times to get rid of her but he won't. I know there is nothing going on between them now of that I'm sure, but I feel that she is sitting there laughing at me. I poured my heart out to my husband the other day and told him that I would move on from this if she moved on, but she is still there. I know my husband relies on this person because she knows the ins and outs of the bussiness, but I decided that I couldn't allow pride to break up my marriage and my family and gave my marriage another shot. Now I'm feeling a fool and I look a fool. I do love my husband and I know that he loves me but this problem is eating me up. What should i do?
View related questions:
affair, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2005): Firstly, my heart absolutely goes out to you on the death of your Mother. What a remarkable "angel" you are-you have my respect and praise for the love, support, care you gave your Mother, throughout her illness. It's takes a special person to sacrifice her time and efforts to do what you did with such a willing, devoted heart.
I find it sad that your unconditional giving, caring and sacrifice for a dying family member did not warrant the support,love & devotion you required from hubby, to help sustain you through this crisis. Instead, he took the cowardly, self-serving route. He chose to mess around on you when you were enduring the heartwrenching torment of watching your own Mother suffer. He put his own selfish wants and needs ahead of his own wife and children. I rally thinked..he stooped pretty darn low!
Dear, you have make a choice and you have 3 options: 1) You can continue on, and have a marriage filled with doubt, anger, insecurity, and resentment (which is where you are now) 2) you can divorce him or 3) you can find forgiveness and rebuild your marriage, properly. Frankly, I opt for number 2 and would love to tell you to "kick his sorry butt to the curb, but I sense from your letter you want to make this work and your little children having just lost grandma..they don't need another emotional heartache to deal with. So go with option 3.
But, he must be accountable for his actions. And he must work hard to prove to you that he wants to make this marriage work. The first steps at restoring trust and forgiveness must begin with complete honesty from both of you. This will be painful, but it is necessary. Without honesty, there will be no way for trust to be rebuilt. Without being open, there will be no way for intimacy to be rekindled, or for forgiveness to occur. Secondly, he has to "find a way" to get that employee out of there. But remember, he has to be careful-he runs the risk of a lawsuit/legal battle if he fires her for an "unwarranted reason". All one can hope is that she leaves willingly.
If you are trying rebuild, it is so crucial that ALL ties with the third party are severed. He cannot remain just friends with this person. Many times the person having the affair is quite reluctant to do this, and it may be necessary for you to deliver a strong ultimatum. (either she goes or I go) Many times the betrayed spouse is afraid to deliver this strong type of a message to their spouse, because they are afraid of being alone, and this is understandable. But never be afraid, dear-that will bring you down. You have the "right" to insist that your husband break ties and/or avoid her at all costs..or you will never have closure on his infidelity. (Good book to read 'Love Must Be Tough' by Dr. James Dobson)
I recommend you both seek intensive marriage counseling as a couple where a mediator can help you work out your marriage issues. As for yourself, seek counselling for you. You need to find someone who can help you deal with your own indiviual feelings. You need to vent to someone who's going to listen objectively, let you know that your feelings are legit and keep you from acting impulsively.
You and your husband have much work ahead of you. I hope you keep your marriage strong and the both of you can move forward from this. Take care and god bless, dear
Hugs, Irish
A
reader, pops +, writes (18 August 2005):
Did you consult with your husband before moving mother in with your family? Talk about putting stress in a relationship? Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you like to have your husband move his mother into your home, and stop working to take care of her night and day? Do you think he might neglect your needs and those of the children if he did that?
As for the other woman, there are lots of reasons he should not fire her, not the least of which is that she might be able to sue him for " wrongful discharge" because of their affair. As her boss, he was and is in a position to blackmail her- ie. demand sexual favors to keep her job, gain promotions, raises, prime vacation time priority over other employees, etc. It also sounds like she was a key employee for the business. If the affair is over, keep your nose out of his business. I consider you very lucky to have had a husband stay around through your mother's illness, the way you handled it and your marriage, and to still have him. He must love you very much to put up with all that! He's proved that he loves you by ending his affair, and patching the marriage back up. What more do you want? Or, should I say, I don't think you are asking for a reasonable thing when you want her fired. If you were a wise wife, you might get to know her, and talk to her about how she attracted your husband, and what she did for him that he liked and didn't like. Most men don't stray from home unless the lovelife at home is dead. Its just too much trouble. Obviously, there are exceptions to this, but I have been dealing with divorces for thirty years, and have talked to all kinds of people about their marriages. Most men don't stray if they are happy at home. The fact that your husband did tells me that you have some homework to do with him, that has to do both with sex, and respect for him. When a guy looks for another woman, its usually because he is being disrespected by his wife, and he can't seem to get her to understand how hurtful she is being to him.
...............................
|
