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female
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*houldImove
writes: Hi,I have a huge decision and really need some advice. My partner and I have been seeing each other for 7 months. We have a great relationship. We get on so well, love each other, have the same interests, want the same things out of life. Basically things are fantastic. We did go through a rough patch for a month due to work stresses but got through that and things are better than ever. He has just moved in with me and then dropped a bomb shell on me. He wants to move back to his home town as he is sick of being a part time dad. I can completely understand. We go and see his son every 2nd to 3rd weekend and I love spending time with him and his son. He is a great father and his son is absolutely gorgeous.Basically he wants me to move as well. I said yes as initially it would be another year away. Now he has said that there is a job which is pretty much his and he wants to go in a couple of months. He wants me to go with him or come soon after.My problem is, is that I will be giving up my dream job. A job that I have been working towards for the last 8 years. To be honest I don't mind giving up my job for him/for us, but only if there is definitely a future for us (also his home town is closer to my home town so that is a big bonus for me). So I asked him if he could see us marrying one day and having kids. He said that he wants a future for us. Right now he doesn't want to marry me but he thinks he will in the future but can't be for sure ie. there are no guarantees in life. Do I go and risk giving up everything I have worked for hoping that we will get married etc? Or do I stay? People have suggested a long distance relationship but I did that many years ago and hated it. I am at that age where I want a real relationship not a part time one, where you have to travel to see each other.So the facts are: He loves me and wants me to move. He sees a future for us ie. the big picture but can't promise me anything as who knows what is going to happen. I love him and want to be with him. I will be closer to my family etc... but I will be giving up my dream job. Right now with the way things are between us I want that happy future with him ie. marriage and kids. So do I take the risk? Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, pops +, writes (18 August 2005):
Unless you can find a better job near his new home, I would keep your existing job. If he is not head over heels in love with you now, he will never be. Sorry to say that, but I have learned from experiences that the passion is strogest early on in the relationship. It can grow when two people are in love with each other, and they have a bit of luck, and they are compatible, etc., but it generally starts fairly soon in a relationship. If he is having doubts about getting married to you, don't go with him. I know that will hurt. But, he will either come to his senses and realize what he is giving up, or he will go anyway, and you will know that you were going to be dumped, sooner or later. Right now, the only thing on his mind is his son. He's having a hard time with the afteraffects of his divorce from his first wife, and he may not be able to give you the emotional attention a new relationship deserves. But, it is no excuse. You have a right to your own happiness, and being dragged around the country without any prospect of marriage, which you want( and, I assume, children)is not too much to ask.
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