A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I'll get straight into the problem..i'm married for 7years now and i've got three beautiful children and my problem is my husband...he doesn't wants sex anymore i tried everything wearing the sexiest clothes offering massages, scented bathes...etc..but he always complains that he's tired ..this started 3 years ago and at that moment he was working alot and always talking about how to gain more money..so i linked it with stressing out and thinking of how to gain more money...although we're fine now he has a good postion and we have a large house with maids and everything and i don't have to work...so after being rejected many times..i stopped intiating..but every night i think about it, then suddenly he got active as before for a while and after i got pregnant with my third he stopped again we only had sex once in nine months and after 4 months of my delivery he travelled for business for 4 days and when he came back we had sex once after 1 year!...when i ask him do u love me...he says why r u asking this question and he gets upset..it's getting on my nerves..coz i'm pretty and whoever looks at me gets shocked that i'm married let alone have kids...i'm still size 8 uk...so iknow that i have a good shape...and i'm very pretty...i didn't want to mention it..but i'm confused why???..we had alot of fights in those years ...i left him a couple of times for like 2 weeks or so...but mainly because he doesn't spend alot of time with me...we rarely go out together unless it's to get something..and he wants to get the stuff quickly and leave..if he's with his friends he doesn't mind staying for hours out!...and i love him so much...i pamper him alot but he sees it as something normal that he has to get it..in weekends he eats breakfast in bed and in the weekdays after work he stays in the room watching the news and resting then he goes out for errands and comes back to the room watchs more news and sleep..this is my life..am bored!...i told him that i want to work and he got very upset and we had a big fight
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): You know... my husband and I go a while sometimes without making love... especially before I had my son and up until my son was 1 year old. I spoke to him on numerous occassions about my feelings about it... he felt bad that his sex drive wasn't like other guys. We found out just a short while ago that he had a thyroid problem that was making him low in energy and suppressing his sex drive. Since he's been taking his thyroid meds and creams he's been much more "interested". It also helps if you initiate more... being married now for over 5 years (and we've been together for over 8 years) initiating is much more important now and he appreciates it alot. I get my way a lot more often if I "wake him up" to a little mic time. That's a guaranteed arrouser for him. If you want to have sex more often, you need to initiate it.My husband works hard at his job to make us a comfortable living and has a lot of stress on his mind ALL THE TIME. So sex doesn't always cross his mind because he's got a lot of other stuff on his plate. INITIATE INITIATE INITIATE! It's helped my relationship a lot.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I do somewhat feel what you are, but also in my case I do not try to have sex with him either. I am usually the agressive one, or if will ask " Do you want to have sex?" Okay I need some fore play like hugging, kissing, good conversation-- have told him this but he still does nothing. I think it has been almost a year since we have had sex. I was sick for a little while, but not that long. When I ask him it is always you did not feel good, do i knew to leave you alone. What a copout (sp?) I have gained weight( some because of medication) but other because I think -- I get no hugs, one peck of a kiss and that is it. WOW I am now going to run to the bedroom and ask him for sex. NOT I have never been overweight and have to lose it because of Multiple Sclerosis -- But that does not affect my sex life. Also he works out of town now for almost 10 years and he had full custody of his daughter, guess who took care of his daugher ( who had emotional and behavior problems) I also have a daugther one year yonger than his. The stress that it has caused especially now she is 17 is bad, but the worse thing is that my Multiple Sclerosis acts up when I am stressed. My husband does know this but we still have pretty bad fights. Either I have to agree with him or there is something very wrong with me. Sound familar?? Your crazy, pyscho,moody, etc.. Anything he can use to put me in my place. The thing is that he is so kind a polite in public that if I told anyone they would probable side with him. Okay kinda went off ther sorry ---- I am just going to wait a little while longer to see if we get our sexual and emotional life back. Not having sex really does effect every aspect of your life because you are missing that close connection you get when you are intiment (sp) with him.
I am really needing to know something about this also, thanks for posting.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): a) he's lost interest because of the way you treat him, or
b) he's found something else (porn or illegal activities)that arouses him and is using that, or
c) he's feeling trapped and doesn't want to feel like that anymore, so he's thinking about ways out, or
d) he's bored with the sex and it's just not exciting for him no matter who is there (not your fault), or
e) he is stressed by his entire life and just isn't into sex as a result.
No matter what it is, your answer lies by asking him. I would suggest you look at the worst case scenario, like he has fallen in love with another woman (even possibly a man) and if that was true, would you still want to be married to him. If so, then tell him no matter what it is, you want to work things out and you won't get mad. He might open up. If not, then maybe you need to make the change yourself and find somebody to spend your life with that is interested in you more than he is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): You never ever force or coerce a man to have sex with you - period!
There is nothing more humiliating for a man then being forced to kiss, have erection and sexual intercourse when he is reluctant to do it. If you force/push your man into sex the result can be either he won't be able to perform - which will cause a fear of failure to stay deep into him, or he may be able to gain an erection by imagining you in a humiliating situation or imagining just another women.
The truth is, you have lost your attraction to him. Why? - Because you either don't love him anymore and you just want 'pieces' of him (attention, sex, responsibilities, etc.), or because you are giving too much of you to him and he just cannot take anymore.
The remedy? - Regain your attraction. Dress provocative, look sexy, make other men like you... BUT be "his" girl, let him feel you take him the way he is, let him feel you depend on him and you trust him, let him know he is hurting and elevating you… let him know you love him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hi, my husband also stoped wanting to have sex with me. We've been married for 6 years and worked together everyday for all this time. I thought it was because he sees me too much or I am too easily persuaded but we disscuss it all the time. There is no secrets from my side, he knows me maybe a little too much, and I think I know him very well too. But he never had a great sexual apetite since a long time now which he had at first. I tried to refuse it sometimes in the early stages of the crise even so it was so hard for me to do so and never for long enough I think, I just know I tried everything and I am also very pretty and as we are together all the time he gets to see how much success I have with men whithout me ever showing any sign of flirting back to them... I used to be a flirty person and only love myself before I met him but since the day we met I can't find anybody else attractive anymore no matter how good they look! It scares me very much! I wish I can imagine how life would be after him but I can't and I also sometimes started recently to tell him that I had enough and want out of our marriage. I was used to get affection all the time and people always tell me I look pretty and am beautiful but he doesn't, never did it much, he is from Germany and I am from Romania, so I have latin love fire in me whereas he is cold like an iceberg. So far he says no to divorce everytime I mention it, never did it until 2 months ago as I didn't dare incase he would say yes to it, but now I find myself saying it more often when I get upset coz he's not showing me any affection. I am so sad because of it...it shocks me not to be able and have the only man I really really want! And I feel sad because it is my second marriage but have no children from either this or previous. I can't even bare the thought of being a twice divorcee! What will I do? I am still under 30 and young but who wants to have to marry a third time?! I like and belive in being married but it's such a dissapointment to have had such bad luck. The first marriage ended because he wanted it more than me and loved me more than me him and the second will be the other way around! :( I am so shocked. How can I stop this from ever happening? I need all the help in the world.
By saying I tried everything is really everything... I am a romantic by blood! For me loving him is easy so I always make him feel good about himself. We have common interests, I've learned the sports he did, we do them now together and I got very good at it easily and quick when he tought me, we are into kitesurfing/ snowkiting and snowboarding so we also go on holidays to sunny places all the time chasing the wind, sun, ocean, waves... so he sees me in bikini all the time! We have plans for the future but no further than another lets say 2 years... and also he doesn't want us have kids yet! He says later... let's enjoy the sports now. What shall I do more? I just want to be happy together like we used to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Dear Friend,
I have the same situation with my husband. He is not interested in me sexually after just four months of marriage and we have no children. He is angry sometimes when I ask about it and I when we are together it is really not all that great anymore anyway. I have concluded that he is just not into me anymore and I can cry, and stay and put up with his bullshit or leave and find someone who will appreciate me. This is our choice. It's hard words but I think we both know its true. If they care they will change, and if not then we can change the situation for ourselves. Be happy. God wants us to enjoy our life :) fm
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): Your situation is so far from being truly "bad" and involves three other lives. Considering divorce and moving in with a sister just because the sex isn't as good as it was in the past shows the real problem is selfishness and self-interest. Love is in real short supply in this family. Sounds so much like the Garden of Eden when God said: "You may eat of ALL the trees of the Garden" -- except one. You've got everything -- except lots of sex -- and you are still not happy. Will going to your sister's get you more sex? Who told you a man can be forced or coerced or threatened into having sex often? It sounds like you know the key to solving the problem but don't want to work on that. If he is so inspired to be out and among friends, why is that? Common interests? Stimulating conversation? And if getting a job can replace sex for you, what does that show YOU about YOU? The suggestions to see a counsellor and get some third party perspective is probably a good idea. Maybe hubby just needs some hormone injections. Why make the whole problem so dramatic?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Hi guys,I have the same problem with the about girls, we haven't sex for 2 years already.I have 1 beautiful daughter, my husband travel alot for his job, he'll stay with me around 1-2 week per month, but he always playing his online games when he do not need to travel, I am very bored.I try to scare him and asking him to devorce if he can tell me what is the problem, I think I was wrong.We're now planning to devorce, and I feel really really sad that he agree on it, just because of he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore not even a hug.I just moved to my sister's house and he doesn't stopped me when I leave him in the morning.So I started thinking that he don't love me anymore, and he said that I always black face on him when he doesn't want to touch me, he think that he has no reason to be facing me like this anymore.He don't want to go see a consultant when I ask to, he just doesn't want to help our relationship.Please tell me what should I do??Should we really devorce or keep staying in my sister's house?How about our daughter, she's now 5 years old, we both want her, but we both know that she want mommy but mommy cannot afford to take care of her and daddy has no time for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Hi...I've been there. Sometimes it's just stress, which guys have a hard time ignoring. Often, if there are other problems in your relationship, this will cause him to stop wanting sex, because having sex means thinking about those problems which means not wanting sex anymore, eh? It'd be like if every time he took his pants off, you were reminded of a bad breakup you had in high school: It's a mood kill. It might also be a physical problem, or he might have gotten into a routine of pleasuring himself since you guys haven't been doing it for a while.
The only answer is to find out what the problem actually is, and that means talking, and doing it without arguing. If you can't do that anymore (not sure I could after having problems as long as you have), you need a counsellor. If he won't go to one, tell him you're going without him (he'll cave and go; guys hate being talked about behind their backs). But once you figure out what the problem is behind his lack of interest, you can at least work on fixing it together, and your relationship should be stronger for it.
PS - all the other answers here are crap. Lordy.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 There is always the possibility of an outside interest, but it sounds as if your husband is usually at home or working, or watching news and sleeping, so if you know his activities and whereabouts most of the time, infidelity would seem doubtful. But something is amiss here.
He may simply be a person who is less sexual than most men, or he may be on medicines that depress interest, or he may have lost interest in the marriage and you as a wife. We advisors here cannot truly know, although you provided substantial information.
In my opinion, some serious and if necessary, lengthy conversation is needed, and possibly some professional counseling if available. We wish you the best outcome.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I would get annoyed to if just because I wasn't giving someone sex, they asked me if I loved them. As if I need to have sex with someone to prove that I love them. Here's the thing-maybe he just doesn't want to have sex anymore. Not every situation where a guy/woman stops having sex means they are cheating. There is a possibility of it, though.I understand you're being bored. If he can get a job and ignore you most of the time, you have the right to do the same back. Sounds like he wants you focusing mainly on him.Why bother fighting with him? You don't need his permission to get a job, just go get one! Then he will realize that he is not the most important thing in your life.
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A
male
reader, pyan  +, writes (24 February 2008):
Hi
stay right there and i will be round soon. sorry just had to say that. you are doing nothing wrong. all those thing work and should work.
my thought are you need to sit him down and as some hard question.
is he seeing someone, has he got issues with you has he fallen out of love with you etc.
ask some question and see where it go.
messge if you want to discuss futher
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