A
male
age
51-59,
* love my wife
writes:My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married 16. She just felt comfortable enough to share with me her "past experiences". She felt she needed to get this off her chest as she felt like a "whore" and useless even though to me she had always portrayed the opposite to me. She comes from a terrible family environment in which was an out of wedlock child, the mother was an alcoholic who passed away around her 17th birthday and the father would have been better off not around than the feeling of worthlessness he heaped on her. (Literally told her he could not give her away as he needed his gambling $)She was a 16 year old who had a "crush" on a 26 year old friend of the family. The guy "befriended" her and would cruise around the house or she would ride her bycycle to his house. This all led to sex, sex with him and sometimes his friends - do it for me - we wont tell anyone etc. This "relationship" carried on for the better part of 5 years - no dating, just a shoulder to cry on that led to him using her - including roughly 6 months into our dating. She stated that she finally realized what love was and avoided him. She emphatically denies ever being with him, or anyone else for that matter, at least a year before we were engaged and never in our marriage. Isn't this a classic example of a sexual predator? How do I get both of us help? What do I do? PS - I also have to see this monster at work everyday.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, I love my wife +, writes (26 February 2008):
I love my wife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJargenhunter and anonymous - Thank you for your support! Already have counseling lined up for next week. Jargenhunter - No STD's ever in 19 years, and I don't use protection with her, so if there was anything I should have gotten it, but point taken.
Dr. Pete - Where did u get your license and what is it in?
You make some valid points - Why after 19 years, low self worth, counseling - but then, in my opinion, you discredit everything by not acknowledging her upbringing AND THE FACT THAT SHE WAS 16 AND HE WAS 26. The reason she has a feeling of no self worth is obvious! I never said I married a virgin and knew she was with another man before she met me. (A man her age) I do not hold that, nor do I hold this against her. She stated she finally felt strong enough and felt we were strong enough to handle this. That her hate/low self worth towards herself was attributed to hiding this "dirty" secret and by revealing it to me she has begun to heal. She has also apologized for the hurt it has caused. This is a woman who never gave any indication of this being in her past - she has been trying to be the opposite and was hoping by burying it she could convince herself it never happened. SHE ALSO feels that she was asking for it because she went back to him over the years. (HE WAS HER FIRST EXPERIENCE) I do not know all the answers and have many many many questions that therapy will help, but I do know that whether you take into consideration her upbringing or not A 26 YEAR OLD MAN WHO HAS SEX WITH A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL, WHO HAS HIS BUDDIES JOIN IN, AND TELLS THE GIRL TO KEEP QUIET IS A FREAKIN MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, Jargenhunter +, writes (25 February 2008):
I think you should both seek therapy, both together and separately. Regardless of what happened before, the main issue is that your wife and you are now missing the peace you had in your relationship before. Forget about the guy (unless you can transfer away from him, then get as far away as possible)and focus more on the trust issues that your wife has. Also, i would suggest you and your wife undergo medical testing, both for your own safety and for her mental wellbeing. Knowing that she did not pass anything to you can lead her to start shedding that "whore" mentality. If she did contract and pass something to you, than be happy that you caught it and can fix it. Best of luck to you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I disagree with the person below me and I agree with you. I think that maybe she should see a therapist, and that you should be there for her. If you are afraid of saying the wrong things just comfort her (I'm here for you, etc.) and listen to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): It's natural that you instinctively put the blame on to this man, rather than accept that your wife had some say and decision in how their relationship started and developed.
You can blame it on her mum being an alcohol, or that she was married "out of wedlock", or that this guy took advantage of her, but no matter how regretful, or full with guilt she may be now, but to continue a relationship for 5 years: I'm sure she knew exactly what she was letting herself in for and the benefits of their relationship was adequately mutual or it wouldn't have gone on for so long.
To be honest, I wonder if your wife ever actually considered how you would react over all of this. It is an unfair burden, that after 19 years, she would release this bombshell on you. It seems rather selfish, and disregarding of your own feelings.
If this is still a problem for her, 19 years on, I suggest it is out of your hands; it is a therapist she should be talking to. To carry guilt over something for two decades indicates low self worth; or perhaps a religious indoctrination that are creating feelings of guilt where there ordinarily should be none.
What do you do? Well - time is usually the best thing for these things to heal themselves. Time will put things in a better perspective for you. Your wife has a past - like every woman does and she is probably representative of most women. Come to terms with that and instead of attributing it all to this "monster"; see that perhaps your wife would rather have sympathy and understanding from you, rather than your judgement, and her interpretation, conscious or not, is likely to be bias.
It takes two to have a relationship, and I would disagree that her so-called "disadvantaged" childhood, as you justify it, does not necessarily mean she became an unsuspecting pawn for evil wrongdoers in the world.
Give it time, and in the meanwhile, don't judge this guy too harshly; you only know one side of the story.
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