A
female
age
51-59,
*ixiekay
writes:my husband has lied to me and cheated on me thru phone sex,date sites,porn,actual contact with another female,i have caught him everytime,and confronted him,but i cant seem to move past it,he says he is a sex addict,and goes to therapy,and has made great efforts to change his ways,why cant i forgive
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cheated on me, phone sex, sex addict Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): Wonder if you ever thought of leaving him. Maybe you are angry with yourself for putting up with it all. Depends how much pain it causes you, and why you are staying. Are you afraid of being alone? If so, then confront that. Ask yourself whether you can continue if he never changes.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 July 2010):
 There's no reason you should forgive him. Being a sex addict isn't an excuse. It's my own personal opinion that a true, clinical "sex addict" - who is diagnosed, etc - only make up about 10% of all people who claim to be sex addicts. If your husband truly had an issue and needed sex, fine... but that doesn't excuse the lying, the going behind your back and everything else he did. That's more than just needing sex, that's not taking a marriage seriously.
Everybody has sexual thoughts, including thoughts for someone other than your wife/husband. The difference is, most people don't act on them.
The truth is, you don't forgive him because you know deep down in your gut that he is full of crap. He threw away your marriage and betrayed you. And I'm willing to bet that you saying "he's gone through great lengths to change..." is more of you making excuses for him more than anything. I'm all for giving somebody a second chance, but you can't deny that inner voice of yours. Too many times out of guilt people quiet their inner voice with guilt, but that's not a good enough reason. You should follow your instincts. You don't trust him for a reason. You are not to blame so stop making yourself feel guilty. You are the victim.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Because part of your anger is not really at him, it is directed at yourself. YOU are having issued with STILL being around and taking this kind of shit over and over, instead of walking away.
Been there - done that - burned the T-shirt.
He can have all these reasons as to WHY he did it, sexual addiction... it doesn't mean that it doesn't HURT to be betrayed. It's not something that you can "just" snap your fingers and "get over" or forgive.
It takes time. Sometimes it's something you just can't forgive. And honestly, I think that is totally normal.
You have to, however, forgive yourself first. Accept that he is NOT the man you thought he was. You have to figure out if you want to deal with this any more, if you want to stay with him, I strongly suggest you find a neutral person to talk this out with. Be it your priest/pastor or a counselor.
You are aware that most sexual addicts are never "cured" they just get better at hiding it.
I wish you good luck. Honestly, I would walk away. The damage to your marriage, your feelings, your trust, self respect and self esteem is just too great.
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