A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has gotten verbally abusive again, even though things were getting better on that front for years. How do I help him to stop?(not so )Short intro: We've been together for almost 20 years. At the beginning things were OK. But as we finished our studies, moved to another country and the overall stress of life grew, he became extremely verbally aggressive. He never laid a hand on me, but he would allow himself to scream and break things when I was around, when he would be annoyed with something. Just to make things clear, the only other person with whom he doesn't control himself is his mother. That's a long story and she's made him the way he is today... in a way. She abandoned him twice and never treated him with respect. I on the other hand have done neither.Even though 99% of his tantrums are unrelated to me (his car breaks on its own, we get an invoice for unforeseen damage in the building we live in...), he feels free to yell and curse and blows things out of proportion... and no matter what I do he'll find a way to drag me into this. If I just let him went, he'll turn on me because I obviously don't care. If I try to calm him down by saying that I not only understand his frustration, but that I share it, he'll scream at me to shut up and not try to calm him down. If I engage into a yelling fest, well... he'll have a field day.No matter what he says, in the end he wants to provoke a fight (because it's easier to yell at someone than at "life") and for that he needs a partner, me. He would use this routine unconsciously to get what he wants. If he bitches constantly about having to change our cat’s litter/vacuum clean/go shopping… well, sooner or later just to avoid the bitching I would try to do things by myself. We made a list of chores and divided them. And it worked until recently. Now whenever there’s something to be done, he makes a scene (we’re vacuuming too often etc.).We worked a lot on this. He feels remorse and apologizes and wants to change. But when something triggers him, he has problems with dealing with it like an adult. He started seeing a shrink five years ago and things got drastically better. I was kind of hoping that this chapter of our lives was behind us… Not because I was putting it under the rug, but because we were dealing with it.To get back to the current problem. Well, he started having regularly “episodes” all over again. I love him, but I really don’t like that side of him and I really think I don’t deserve this. I can’t imagine who would deserve anything like this. I work two jobs and on most weekends. He has one job but earns more than me (we live in a country where women, especially foreigners are paid less, even with PhDs). I’m not waiting for him to take care of me. Even he has said that I work at least twice as much as he does (when all taken into consideration)…He’s never trying to belittle me or to insult me. He never calls me stupid, ugly… he just needs a partner to fight with whenever there’s a problem. And I don’t like to fight. The last episode happened tonight as we were getting back home from a short trip. We spent 3 hours more in the car because of traffic jams. He was yelling all the time. When we finally arrived he would yell at me whenever I addressed to him. And yeas he did apologize and said that he felt awful for not being able to control himself… I just feel tired and I don’t care about his apologizes, because I know that he will do it again… and again and again. I just want him to stop. And yes I told him this, in a nice way. I didn’t say I didn’t care… but that’s the bottom line.What else can we do to help him/us just deal with problems normally? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again So Very Confused... it gives me hope. When things got better I thought this was it. And as much as this pains me to say, I've never discussed this problem even with my closest friends. I wanted to protect him, to give him/us the space to work things out. And I was feeling a bit ashamed. I never once thought that there was something wrong with me and that I deserved to be yelled at, but I did think that something must be wrong with me since I'm staying with someone like that, even if he's much more than that.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 April 2015):
 I hear you. And I felt the same way but Al-anon taught me that to detach with anger would leave ME angry and hurting and to detach with love was best FOR ME.
the fact that it impacts positively ON HIM is a bonus.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much So Very Confused. I'm glad to hear that your husband is on the path of recovery.
And I see your point, because to be honest I do hold a grudge sometimes. I fight it most of the times, but on a arre occasion I just can't overcome it. I'll work on it. The way I express it is not lecturing, I just can't pretend that I'm happy and go and do fun stuff with him. I'm cam and not resentful, but he feels that I'm punishing him and maybe I am, it's just ard to swith on the good mood...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 April 2015):
My husband is in recovery from alcohol since January 5th. He still behaves badly but we have learned a lot of good coping techniques.
One is "detach with love" this means I do not hold a grudge or a resentment or anger.
WHEN he calls me names (he used to do it daily he has done it twice since he's been home from the in patient rehab) I say to him very calmly "I'm sorry Name calling is NOT acceptable and we are DONE FOR THIS EVENING" then I walk away from him and go to bed. Even if it's 5 pm.
However, should he come to me calmly or I need something from him, I can approach him and ask for it calmly like NOTHING happened. and it's really REALLY cut back on the outbursts. He has been "trained" that if he yells he loses his company for the night.
Once I did that and 20 minutes later I needed him to fix the TV and I went down stairs and said "the tv is not working can you fix it" he came up and fixed it I said "thanks so much honey" and gave him a light kiss He said "have a good night" and left me alone in the bedroom. the next day was perfect for us.
As for discussing with your therapist... yes that's exactly the type of thing to discuss... "when my partner does "this" what's the best reaction for me to have to get him to STOP doing "this"
as for the yelling in the car. That's easy... the car stops you say... "see you at home have a nice time" and go find a ride home and go home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers!
I completely forgot that before his improvement, I would leave almost every time he had a bad outburst. I would mostly go to the movies. I never got to the point to just pack my bags and leave for a few days (not that I did not think about it and maybe I was looking for excuses, but our financia situation is extremly complicated and I have no close friends here, I would have to fly to Germany, Norway or Greece).
When it happens in the car, it's hard to leave, as it was the case yesterday when we were on the freeway. But I see your point. That's what I'll do... just remove myself whenever I can.
I still sees a shrink, but I'm not sure to what extent they discuss this particular issue. I hope thay do at least occasionally.
Thanx again!!!
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (27 April 2015):
Simple, correct his behaviour by making sure he knows that fighting is not ok. Does not matter his past or who he is. If he wants to fight, he should fight with himself.
While you do not like to fight, you do not have to nurture his habit. Either walk away and leave him to be, or leave the house altogether. If he has cornered you for example as in the car, then wait till you get home and simply pack your things and have a mini vacation.
Having a partner to fight only means he will want to fight. He is a grown man, not a little boy and you are not his mother. You are simply being too nice and while I know you mean well, tough loves comes into play for these bad habits.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2015):
 I would honestly tell him that apologies are WORTHLESS when they are just given AFTER he has heaped verbal abuse on you. It's a slap in the face.
I'd tell him, EVERY time you start this, I will WALK away, I will REMOVE myself from the room/house and you can have your little tirade by yourself. I will NO LONGER submit myself to your outbursts. I DO NOT deserve them. I will NOT be your VERBAL punching bag.
And then you walk off. YOU do NOT engage in shouting matches or trying to verbally defend yourself or the situation. REMOVE yourself, OVER and OVER till the point sinks in. IF he doesn't get the point, tell him to seek the therapist again.
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