A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have always been led to believe that a marriage is based on trust,understanding honesty and a degree of compromise.so when after 10yrs and two kids later i found our sex life going dramatically downhill( i couldnt achieve an orgasm because my husband "finished" before i had begun)i told him as honestly as i could that it was upseting me that he wasn't fulfilling me as he used to.(i've had more lovers in the past but my husband was the only one who ever fullfilled me totally.I tried exploring options of what could be the cause(beit either of us at fault,tiredness stress etc)but there is no apparent reason for his lack of passion he couldnt keep hard enough for long enough and this was leaving me more and more frustrated every time.But my husband refuses to believe that this can be worked through and will not seek help from anyone and has told me yet again(this has been going on for over ayear) to find someone else to have sex with as he didnt want it anymore..he now says he doesnt know if he loves me anymore,that he will divorce me if i want him to.he has taken it as critisism of his manhood.he wont even try anymore whats the point is his only answer.the problem is that i do believe marriage is for life,there have been so many break ups in my family i did not want my marriage to fail.i do not want our sons to lose their dad.I have tried sexy clothes nights out nights in and still he wont even touch me.he just keeps saying find someone else..i want the man i married..i have been approached by someone else but do not want my marriage to collapse on my account!!i said no that i need to give all in saving my marriage bbut i'm beginning to wonder if there is even a marriage worth saving left.do i settle for a marriage with no sex?(could this be a possibilty for a 33yr old?)do i take up his sugesstion and find a lover?do i let him leave?i dont know what to do anymore and i'm getting fed up with trying when i get nothing in return.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): I believe that people change when time passes by. Sex is very important in a relationship, more when you are married. I have the same problem like yours; i always come last but with not the action that he had (my husband) before! It is difficult for him to find advice, doesn´t talk about a problem, he let´s it go on. He is the man that believes that marriage is for ever. I don´t believe that because you are not going to suffer for a problem or something that your husband has done. I believe that you should talk to him and ask him the truth about your relationship, what are you both expecting for life. The kids are first, but ask him if he loves you and more personnal questions. Hope for the best for you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): I am sorry for your heartache over your marriage, hun. It's obvious you want to save this marriage and he doesn't. You ask 3 good questions and I will offer you just my opinions. Take what you want from them but base your own decisons on your own circumstance, your own feelings and insticts.
1. Do you settle for a marriage with no sex? No, because a sexless marriage require the consent and agreement of both spouses in order for it to work. If only one person decides that they will not be having sex, than the other person is instantly filled with resentment and confusion. This type of marriage can only work if both spouses make the decision together and are happy about it. If there is any doubt by either spouse, this marriage cannot work in this way. It obvious from your posting, you want a sexual relationship, so therefore over time, your marriage will end, anyways.
2. Do you take up his suggestion and find a lover? No, because your whole purpose of doing this would be just to attain a sense of self-worth through being sexually desired. What worries me is you appear to be a woman with high ideals and principles. An affair could cause you much guilt and anxiety or. It also could lead to more 'intense feelings for this other person as you know, sex 'can will drive a person's heart'. You may want to start a more committed relationship with this other person and then your marriage will end, anyways.
3. Do you let him leave? Yes, a separation (not a divorce) may be a good thing. But I think that one does not jump into divorce so readily. Often people come to their senses and I think, after several months (or longer) of being apart. Legal separation helps slow decisions down and cools emotions. It also gives couples time to really, really think. He has told you he doesn't want to put in the efforts anymore. You are both on different 'pages' here...you no longer are sharing the same relationship values at this time. What's important to you is not to him. But people have been known to change after being apart for a short time. It sounds like some 'space' is needed here. So take a deep breath and take your time.
God luck and take care, dear
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