A
female
age
51-59,
*usie41
writes:My husband has feelings for a co worker.he says he loves me and can't help these feelings. we have been married for 23 years. i am confused and don't know what to do. i love my husband but am having trouble with this. this woman recently left her husband and they work closely together everyday. he say he wants our marriage to work but still wants to be able to work with her.
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female
reader, Susie41 +, writes (23 January 2011):
Susie41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys Im back again. Unfortunatly nothing has been resolved. new year he told me it was me he loved and could never give me up and that he had told her it had to stop and she agreed. it lasted a day. since then it has been like a roller coaster ride. he has again told her twice that he loves me and wants our marriage. he took himself away for a week to clear his head came back and told me he wants me but she is still in touch wit him. he is quitting his office and going to another office but i'm not sure if this will change anything. if i say anything he say i don't trust him what does he expect 6 wks od lieing. he says he loves me but now thinks i am just in love with the idea of loving him. I don't get it 25 years we have been together so maybe we got in a rut. We can change that i wonder if he is doing this so i give up and leave and then he can always say i said i love her bt she left. How do i fight this woman who is trying to destroy us. She is just after him as he is like a knight in shinning armour in comparison to the husband she just left.
A
female
reader, Susie41 +, writes (23 January 2011):
Susie41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys Im back again. Unfortunatly nothing has been resolved. new year he told me it was me he loved and could never give me up and that he had told her it had to stop and she agreed. it lasted a day. since then it has been like a roller coaster ride. he has again told her twice that he loves me and wants our marriage. he took himself away for a week to clear his head came back and told me he wants me but she is still in touch with him. he is quitting his office and going to another office but i'm not sure if this will change anything. if i say anything, he says i don't trust him, what does he expect 6 wks of lying. he says he loves me but now thinks i am just in love with the idea of loving him. I don't get it, 25 years we have been together so maybe we got in a rut. We can change that. I wonder if he is doing this so i give up and leave and then he can always say i said i love her but she left. How do i fight this woman who is trying to destroy us. She is just after him as he is like a knight in shining armour in comparison to the husband she just left.
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A
female
reader, Susie41 +, writes (8 January 2011):
Susie41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys I'm back on new year my husband told me that he loves me andwants our marriage and that he told this woman that as well. she said she couldn't compete with me. However they still work together every day and although I have told him i am not happy he says he loves me but he is not changing anything about his job. I also know whe is still sending him personal messages. I just don't know what to do. I love him but also feel like a fool.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): Oh Susie. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this situation during what is supposed to be a happy time of the year.
First of all, I don't think you should give him props for telling you about his feelings for another woman. It's an indicator that this relationship has progressed further than you should feel comfortable with. In fact, I would be VERY surprised if it hasn't crossed the line into a physical one. Or if it hasn't, he's looking for a reason - any reason - to soothe his aching conscience and rationalize that getting together with her might not be such a bad idea. Sounds like he has the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. She is a damsel in distress and needs to be rescued and he thinks he's the one to do it.
Second, if there is to be any hope for you two in the future, he needs to get away from this woman FAST. He needs to get another job. This is the ONLY SOLUTION. I know the economy is bad but it's even worse on 1/2 an income (get my drift?). She is an unwanted third party in your marriage and you need to make it clear that she is NOT WELCOME. This is no room for compromise here. You should be the only romantic female member of his "team," not her. The fact that he will hate you for forcing his hand and changing jobs shouldn't be the issue here. He made a commitment to YOU.
Third, it's going to be difficult to trust him again. If you really want to make it work, it's going to be hard. I suggest you take steps to make things the way they were when you were first together, during those magical first days when you started dating. After he changes jobs, you need to take a trip together, just the two of you, and rediscover each other and see if you really have what it takes to go the long haul. You and your husband need to remove yourselves from the situation, put your hurt feelings aside and see if the love still exists.
Fourth, have you thought about why this may have occurred in the first place? Has something materially changed in your relationship with him? Are you depressed? Has your sex life turned stale? Did you get huge and he doesn't find you attractive any more? Did he get huge? Does he feel unappreciated by you? All of these factors play heavily in cheating. It's hard to turn down someone who finds you exciting and irresistable when you have someone at home who has become complacent.
If that is the case, then you need to take the positive steps to salvage your relationship. If you are depressed, go and get medication. If you are fat, it's time to go on a diet. It's hard to have someone love you if you aren't in love with yourself. Put some time into the relationship with your husband. Go on dates. Send him texts about how you can't wait to see him when he gets home. Try out new thing sexually with him. You don't have to do crazy things but role playing can be fun and exciting.
I hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, Susie41 +, writes (24 December 2010):
Susie41 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have moved into my office for the moment while he sorts his shit out. he say he loves me but has feelings for her. i told him he can't have both. he is the only male in there office and they work as a team see my problem if he changes jobs and hates it he will blame me not her and if he stays there can i trust. he is working out exactly what feelings he has for her. perfect timeing on her behalf christmas eve our daughters arrive tomorrow and we are supposed to be happy family so as to not ruin christmas for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): You didn't state whether or not your husband had acted on these feelings or not. As a single woman in a male-dominated field, I've had a ton of married men hit on me. Shameful as this may be, I haven't turned them all down. They all had the same things in common: they don't feel special from their wives any more. Their wives didn't make them feel special or desired any more. It feels nice when someone pays attention to you and makes you feel wanted. My advice to you if you want to keep your marriage is that he needs to not work with this female any more. It's an unnecessary distraction to your marriage and your very way of life. Remember when it was just the two of you against the world and there was nothing you couldn't tackle as a team? Well, things have changed and you need to get this female out of your relationship. You and your husband need to start fresh again. You can't do it if she's still around. The forbidden fruit always tastes better. There really is no other solution. Take it from someone who knows.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): It's good that he has come to you and told you abt this other women. He sounds like he is sort of confused on how to handle the situation. He doesn't want to make the mistake of messing up his life with a mirage. The question you shld be asking is: How strong are your feelings for her? Have you had thoughts of being intimate with her? Have you been intimate with her? Based on his answers will give you more clarity on what you shld be doing. Despite the fact he still wants to be married, you don't want to put yourself in a situation where your husband is having his cake and eating it too.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 It's a very good sign that he's talking to you about this. It means he really means what he says about wanting your marriage to work. I know that it hurts and that this is difficult to hear, but take some comfort in the fact he loves you enough to talk to you about this.
What exactly are you asking though? Are you asking what you should do? Are you asking if it's possible for him to make this situation work?
All you can do is love your husband and be trustful that he is speaking the truth. Be relieved he came to you with this before it turned into an affair. Perhaps some therapy.
Can that situation work? Doubtful. Feelings like that tend to stick around even when we don't want them to. He may never act on them, but they may also never go away. Usually confessing them is the only way closure can be gained, but that's something you both should think about before he does it.
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A
female
reader, Mazy  +, writes (23 December 2010):
Hi Susie,
First off i think its a great that your husband was honest and upfront with you about this, it shows that he does love and respect you, he's probably thinking the grass is greener....don't we all at some point? it's too easy to forget how great the your partner is overtime.
It's up to you show it's not!! I understand that you will be angry and hurt right now, but maybe you should both write down what you love about each other, maybe even recreate your 1st date all those years ago to remind you both what is was that made you fall in love and stary together all these years!
Good luck let us know how it goes.
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