A
female
age
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*ustbeugly
writes:My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 3 children. I know he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but he has ED and will not talk about it or try to resolve it. I got him t'to take Viagra and it helped for about a week and that was it. I am so depressed. I have thrown away every nightgown, slinky (or even somewhat sexy) dress that I own. I have gone to wearing only sweats that are too big, because I must be ugly to him. I try to kiss him, but he only gives me a peck on the cheek. At night when I cry he just hugs me and tells me he loves me and it is not his fault. I am going crazy! I can't watch TV for any of the romantic scenes because I get mad and jealous. I can't listen to the radio because the songs talking about how they love their wife and how hot they are.I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I have been taking anti-depressants to kill my libido so I can put up with this, but it isn't working. I just cry and work all the time to keep my mind off of it. I am about ready to either get myself a dildo or have an affair. I have told him this and he laughs at me.What else am I to do? Have an affair and hang it in his face that maybe someone really does think I am pretty? He has never said so or act like it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): My husband has ED too. He is diabetic. What I dont understand is this, was diabetic when we met and we had sex all the time. It wasn't until we moved in together did the sex just die off. Now he says is a combination of the diabetes and our financial problems. Its been 7 months now and nothing. I am just so depressed over it and I dont really know what to do anymore. HELP!
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female
reader, suspected +, writes (27 December 2008):
In response to the ED issue,I totally hear you. I have the same problem with my boyfriend now. We have only been together for 6 mos and he is 25 and I am 27. When we first go together it was great, we actually waited before we did anything in the bed to make sure we were really into each other. I am just not into the one night stands. Don't get me wrong- I have had them. Anywho we were great until we moved in together. We did it 1 and a half times, he couldn't finish. I am not obese but I have love handles lol- so immediately I thought it was me. A month went by and nothing, no oral nothing, kissing was great. 2 mos go by and I started to question him about it, asking is it me, am I all of sudden to big for you now. Do you still want me??? All he kept saying was its not you its me...I was like ok. 2 weeks later as we were going to sleep he laid there with his eyes open for about 10 min before I asked what was wrong, he said it was unfair- I said what is..- he said this relationship- i said how so-- he said its his fault he knows he has been telling me he would go to the doctor and hasnt yet and its all his fault. I simply stated, I am not going any where, and if you think this hinders how i feel for you your wrong, im not gonna lie- its is frustrating that my 25 year old boyfriend doesnt want to have sex with me but we will get through it. he started to tear and we fell asleep.
In my last relationship he would go days sometimes weeks with out having sex with me and every time i brought it up to him he would get defensive, later found out that he was cheating on me with the entire complex we lived at. So with out saying i naturally revert back to those feelings. I dont want to accuse my current man but it makes no sense, he is 25. We should be bangin like rabbits. Now all i get is light pecks on the lips. I know he feels embarrassed but it makes me feel like i am not worth trying to get help. Like i am no one of any importance to him. We are tight on money so i know it will take some time to save to go see a doc.- he does not have ins yet. at the moment i am about to take out a loan to take him to see a doc. the weird thing about it all is that it started when we moved in together.... suspicious - yes-- definetely. Do i trust him, i do with all my heart but its fading, come on 25 and you dont want to have sex, you dont even want to try. I dont know.... sounds funny.
If I were you I would just go for it. And if he asks what are you doing or tells you to stop, then you have a real problem, and i would schedule a doc appt right in front of him.
No sex should not be deal breaker, but in my case, as young as we are and for him to not want it, ED is not a likely suspect.......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I'm sorry that I can't answer your question but I can say do not give in to an affair. This will not solve the situation but will only make it worse. Especially if you are still in love with your husband. I have had this same problem going on 3 yrs now. Whenever I bring up the subject I get a hug and a promise that it'll get better. I am absolutely positive that my situation is psycological and not physical. I had the same feelings of being not attractive to him but I put myself in his place and wouldn't want him to give up on me. Don't get me wrong, I still have those bad nights where I cry and think ... I am going to living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. The one thing I have going for me is that I am truly in love with my husband and this is what is getting me through it. I can only suggest that you think about the life you had together and dig deep to make sure you really do still love him and decide if you really want to give him up for something I believe is not his fault. Good Luck and try to keep positive.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 February 2008):
 I'm not going to say I don't agree with you to a certain extent. You're preaching to the choir. I now have around 42 days to reach a goal of beginning my third year with no sexual contact. I have children and now it's time to focus on them. I miss the companionship, but there's nothing like being able to tell my kids, "dads board, back a bag for tomorrow we leave in 10 minues." Then we go out of town and spend the night then go shopping the next day.
Giving up though, doesn't that mean you're giving up on your own abilities? I don't wait around for changes, I head right into the opportunity and create them.
Something I was blinded too around 8 years ago was learning to really gain an appreciation for simple things. People are always run, run. I sat with my daughter at the park, we talked and fed the ducks at the pond. That was such a memorable moment, and 8 years ago, something I would have passed by and not taken a look at how enjoyable recognizing simple beauty really is.
Calling yourself ugly is not right either. You do understand that E.D. is a real disorder. It's hard to deal with. Any mental disorder is hard to deal with. I have narcolepsy and cataplexy. The other night, didn't have medication, my 8 year old daughter witnessed my cataplectic sezier. We had to talk to overcome hear fears. Of course, it's not sexually based, but still hard, something I never asked for, and something I can't control without the use of daily medication.
I'm not saying this relationship is a good one for you, just don't give up on yourself and your abilities to cause change.
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female
reader, mustbeugly +, writes (9 February 2008):
mustbeugly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I give up. I give up on men and relationships. What a waste of time and effort. I give up on sex. I guess the only reason to live is to hope some day something may get better. Other than that, I don't care anymore about anyone or anything.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 February 2008):
Did a doctor diagnose him with E.D. or is that an assumption? With E.D. you're going to face more than one issue. The issue of the disorder itself, and the psychological impact not being able to get it up has on a man. Could you imagine the embarrasment he must feel? I know he hasn't taken action, but if he's really depressed about it, it's better to ignore than to face, or at lease less painful.
During the period of time this began, had there been any changes in family routine? Any traumatic instances that may have caused psychological damage? What about stress or personal anxiety? I ask because I guys "brain" generally doesn't up and quit unless there is a large problem affecting it. Other than not rising to the occasion, I'd take some time to figure out what changed from getting it up til the time of not. That may give you atleast enough answer to point you in the right direction. Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I think the reason is psychological . It is very very difficult to determine,as when the cause isn't like diabetes,what is easy to understand ,i guess,even tolerate,than nobody knows it for sure. I heard ,it is very strange , but man can shot down his erections, just because they have repressed anger what they can't deal with properly. I really think, it is very risky, because they have very hard time to admit.
On a way , they can't help it, on an other way it is up to you if you love him and trust him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): What was the reason , what do you think ,if it wasn't medical?
don't have an account here,so if you don't mind to answer it would be helpful.
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male
reader, pyan  +, writes (4 February 2008):
Hi
A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):
message me and i will tell you what worked for us. but things have been very good since
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): I really liked ,what pyan wrote.
I'm a woman in the same situation like you. I feel devastated and hopeless. Maybe I'm a bit more advanced in this issue.It started 2 years ago, and I felt like an ugly cow. I wanted to leave him. He was very affectionate with me before. We went to doctors ,there was no answers. My imagination was running wild.
-am I ugly?
-does he love some other woman?
-would he able to get it up with some other woman?
-he never loved me?
-is he gay?
it is a horrible place to be. I'm still in it. He blames everything on his body, he still thinks , it must be his body,yet no evidence. Its the slippery slope. Yes we don't know for sure. maybe he will get enormously attracted to someone and it all goes away, and we stay humiliated.
But you never will know it for sure. So make a choice, if you can give this up, and look at all the good things if there is any, if not, there is no reason t stay. But you must know what comes after a divorce,or an affair,or a dildo...
Dear pyen, I was wondering, how you resolving your problems, its really brave you can talk about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): Firstly, it's nothing to do with your appearance or what you wear, and I doubt that he sees you as ugly. Secondly, he can't help it, and if you're trying to make yourself look ugly and unattractive, not just in appearance but your attitude as well, it won't be helping the situation at all.
I would imagine he feels worse about the whole thing than ever you will. He'll be feeling pressured to perform which generally has the opposite effect. This is why he gives you a peck on the cheek rather than a full-blown snog, because if he gets you turned on he knows he won't be able to follow through with some action, or at least, at the back of his mind there's that fear. It's called performance anxiety. I have to ask - when was the last time you told him you loved him?
He won't talk about it because he's extremely sensitive and embarassed about it, and no man likes to admit he's impotent.
Viagra isn't the be-all and end-all of solutions to the problem and although it works, the side effects are not all that pleasant. There are quite a few other remedies available.
I'd recommend him seeing a doctor, who by the way will have heard it all before, for a full check-up to make sure there's no underlying cause. Maybe he's on blood pressure medication which can have a devastating effect in this area. High blood pressure in itself is a cause. Diabetes is another.
Meanwhile, you've got to take the pressure off him or he'll most likely retreat into his shell and not come out. Treat him with sympathy, not disdain or disappointment. A woman's reaction to this problem is all important in giving him back his self-esteem, so think very carefully what you say to him or how you act towards him. Have a good old naked cuddle with him but make sure you tell him that's all you want - which might be a little white lie - but by doing so he won't feel pressured. Fall asleep in each others arms, that sort of thing.
He might take some persuading, but a visit to the doc is the first step. Any good doc will be sympathetic.
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female
reader, mustbeugly +, writes (3 February 2008):
mustbeugly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess maybe I will never get an answer to this question. My doctor tells me to get over it and you can live just fine without a sexual relationship and so did his doctor. I guess maybe what I should do is get a divorce and turn into a nun and just shun all men. I give up. I must be extremely ugly and just too stupid to realize it. I give up!!! :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): Don't waste 20 years over an affair.
If he has ED it's not because he think you're ugly, unfortunatley that happens to men, regardless of the woman they're with.
And you seem to have really low self esteem, about your looks especially, is there a chance you could be going through some sort of a mid-life crisis?
Also, forget the dildo, his penismight be limp but I'm assuming his tongue and fingers are still intact. Maybe you should bring that up to him.
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A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (3 February 2008):
 You guys need to find a good sex therapist! And I think he should be the one finding the therapist!
I'm sure he feels bad about ED, but he's dealing with this through some mix of black humor, denial, and emotional detachability (another form of ED!).
At a minimum he could give you oral pleasure! There's so many possibilities. I mean even many disabled people have sex once in a while!
If you are seriously considering having an affair, I'd recommend separating first and getting a divorce. That way it's clear why you are divorcing him, and it also gives him an opportunity to change. Plus, once you have a divorce, you will be free to pursue any relationship.
Having an affair, thought tempting, is an irreversible act, which will make your relationship with your husband much worse. It's a much stronger reason to divorce than him just not having sex with you, but I'd recommend having a weak reason for divorce, this will likely make the divorce easier for your entire family. Ask yourself if you want to have a nasty divorce or a vanilla divorce.
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male
reader, pyan +, writes (3 February 2008):
Hi
First of all you its no ones fault. these thing happend. it happened to me a year ago. I didn't want to talk to my wife about it and it got worse. as i tried to hide it. she thought i was seening someone else. My wife and I had had a great sex life upto then.
First there could be a good reason like medication, drink, stress etc. i expect he is worried about it also. You need to be behind him and get him to see the doctor if you can just to rule thing like that out.
Scondly stay away from the affair if you can and look to other means, either the dildo or have him play with you using the dildo, talk sexy etc to each other. we used one and still do. don't throw the cloths away. these thing can fix them self in time. as mine did.
my advise is keep talking, let him satisfy you other was and it could and should fix its self if there is no medical reason. stay off the anti-depressants, they can cause other issue
reply back if you want to discuss further or if he would like to discuss to either me or my wife. as its a real problem and 1 in 5 men suffer from it.
Good Luck
PS
I never found out why it happened to me, the doctor said there was no medical reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): Dildo! Dildo! :o Don't lower yourself to have an affair, babe. You'll probably regret it later. If he seems happy the way he is, and you've verbally made it clear to him that you desire more in your love life but he won't budge, maybe it's time to call it quits. Granted, it's totally up to you and requires a lot of thinking and planning, but you sound very unhappy. I'm sure there are men who find you pretty. :) For the time being (until you decide what turns to take in life), head to the nearest dildo-distributor. :)
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