A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m in a marriage, and I recently found out my husband has had a pattern of secretly texting other woman, gets emotionally close and then ghosts them and moves on to the next woman, I had my suspicions for years but buried my head in the sand about it all, recently I caught him out and he denied it but I knew… a little piece of me died that day… forward on a year later and I became close to someone I work with, he’s a psychiatrist and he really “saw” me ! we didn’t want to hurt our partners so I ended things and I confessed all to my husband, he chucked me out and won’t take me back, he has let me back into the home but won’t really engage with me… I keep reminding him of the 13 years he’s emotionally cheated on me but apparently it’s not the same as he didn’t have sex with anyone, he seems more hurt my affair was one of mainly friendship and respect, he stated he will never forgive me for falling in love (I didn’t but it was heading that way) …. I love my husband so much so I want it to work but he’s not having any of it, I’m starting counselling in the new year but he refuses to go as he says counselling is a sticking plaster? Any advice please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2021): Tit-for-tat does not solve complicated adult problems. You know most cheaters hate being cheated on; but you didn't cheat for any other reason; but to get back at your husband. Well, how'd that turn-out? The tricky thing is, everyone denies having sex; yet there's no proof it never happened in either case. End result, nobody trusts anybody!
The gall of cheaters never ceases to amaze me! They cheat, and expect to be forgiven; but if they get cheated-on, all hell and fury breaks loose. They cannot find it within themselves to forgive, and they feel oh-so terribly betrayed. I play a tiny violin for them.
If he doesn't want to go to counseling, he wants to punish you instead. He wants you to feel bad, worse than he felt for cheating on you. You know this could go on indefinitely, and it's really a form of gaslighting to wear-down your spirit. It's also how a narcissist uses your own guilt and emotional weakness against you; and somehow they become victims when it's really the other way around. He gets caught, and denies what your eyes see and your ears hear. You've got to be crazy, you're delusional. Gaslighting 101!
Becoming a cheater, because you've been cheated on, doesn't leave you much room for argument to consider reconciliation; because trust has been completely destroyed.
I recommend you get a lawyer, and sort-out your legal rights; and get your legal ducks in a row. I see a divorce in the horizon, and you had better protect yourself. He kicked you out! He's probably seeing an attorney behind your back, building a case of infidelity and negligent infliction of emotional distress against you! He needs a defense to give you nothing, and not pay any of your legal fees. If necessary, go get your own mental-health counseling; to help you deal with your stress, and the emotional-manipulation you seem to be undergoing with your husband. Hopefully mental-health counseling is covered under your health plan. You may have some legal expenses coming your way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2021): Not sure why you need to ask when it is as plain on the nose on your face. You also seem to forget that he would have got up to and may have got up to a whole lot more he has not admitted to you. I am sure that if he found a woman who was happy about him being married he would make the most of it and enjoy her as a mistress until he is found out or she gets sick of being the other woman, and he does not sound like the sort of guy that would be appealing to many women, so he is only with you because nothing better came along... and finances.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 December 2021):
 What did you expect?
He didn't want to own his actions with his "emotional affairs" so why would he be OK with you doing something similar?
After all, you aren't him, right?
You were just supposed to keep your head in the sand and pretend you didn't know and go on being a good little wife.
(not trying to make you feel bad but I'm guessing THAT is in line with how he thinks.)
My advice?
GET a divorce. WHY are you even still married? What is the point in being with someone you resent and who resents you? It doesn't sound like it needs to keep going.
Move on with your life.
While I think you ALSO did something reprehensible - there is no excuse for starting an affair. Even if you felt it was one of mostly friendship and respect, so what? It still wasn't something a married person should do ONCE it crosses that line of "uh oh I reallllllly like this person". Yeah, I can imagine you didn't know you were falling for him until you were in the middle of it and you DID do the right thing is saying stop, and then telling your husband.
The difference with your husband is that HE never confessed, he never OWNED his actions with other women. Because to him, they were just 'fictional characters" he played mind games with for HIS amusement.
Go to counseling by yourself and get out of the marriage! Start living the life you WANT to live! Without this man who doesn't love you at all. And... you don't really love him either.
Life is too darned short to stay in a marriage like this. There is no way to repair this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2021): You want it to work but its not ever going to workout,cause your partner`s is not involved.i only see more of this ahead
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