A
female
age
41-50,
*urtagain
writes:Hi cupid! this's my first time here. I dont know what to say and i still cant get rid of it. I'm married with military and move myself to live in Japan for 2 years before we move back to states. My husband is younger than me 7 years. We have 2 kids one 4 years old and the other one 6 months old. My husband has cheated on me first time on the begining of this year with japanese bar girl. He asked me to forgive him and yes i did forgive him. Then he has to deploy to Phillipines for a month. Bytime he was in Phillipines he seems weird and i can tell that something wrong for sure but i didnt say anything until he came back from deploy i caught him that he cheated on me again and he spent a lot of money for the hotel there. its hurting me so much. He asked me to forgive him and he will never do that again. He said he loves me so much but that time he dont know what was wrong with him. i dont know what should i do now. should i just leave him or still be with him? i do love him so much but im dying now. Pls tell me what to do cupid? Thank you so much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): I completely understand your situation.I've been with my so called husband since high school so we've been togather for 15 years.we have two kids togather.he just recently cheated on me for the second time.when he cheated on me the 1st time I felt stupid enough to believe him when he said he was sorry and I tried to work it out with him for our kids.now that its the 2nd time he's done this I'm ready to leave his ass.but my kids are older now and my son is taking it pretty hard,I'm wishing now that I would have left him when he did it the 1st time and it wouldn't be as hard as it is now.If I was you I would leave him,you don't deserve it,be strong.there is someone out there to treat us all the way we should and deserve to be treated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): Do not waste another moment with this man. You will regret it and become angry at yourself if you do. It will be very difficult and you will need to see a counselor to help you through the divorce....leave him and get help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Sad to say, I've been in your situation however, my daughter's dad and I weren't married. GOD said to forgive however, be smart about it. If the discussion between your husband carried words of "it won't happen, again", can you honestly believe him? I surely didn't believe my daughter's dad when he told me that. I was wondering where he was at, timing him, etc. It shouldn't be like that. Once the trust is broken, it's hard to get it back. Let him show you rather than telling you. If he really means what he is telling you, PROVE IT!!!Part of the military life is being away from your spouse from weeks, months to years. I've known many military spouses in your situation and let me tell you, it isn't good. I work on a government installation. I've witness many situations like this. Honey, I know you love him with all your heart...he's your husband and share two kids..geez...I know how it is. You have so much invested. But if you feel like this will happen again (which I do believe unless changes does occur within his actions), then it's up to you to know what's best for your children and your heart. Leaving him will hurt but staying in a marriage where the reocurrance of infidelity will happen..will hurt more. Good luck!
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reader, calamitysil  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 I don't think it's wise to stay with him purely for the baby's sake. You say you'll keep your heart open for someone else, but it's not fair on the man who then falls for you, a woman who's still married. Besides a decent man will avoid a married woman like the plague. Understandably so, as he'll want a woman who's available to him 100%, someone he can commit to and will be free to commit to him. Make a clean break and find yourself before thinking about another man. Don't let desperation push you into the arms of another loser!!
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reader, hurtagain +, writes (28 November 2007):
hurtagain is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much everyone. I feel a bit better now atleast i still have you guys understand how i feel and atleast i can talk to you guys in everything. Its really hard for me to leave him even though i really want to. I'm so stupid and still dont understand why i love him so much and why its so hard to cut him out of my life. whenever i look at babies it make me cry. I feel sorry for them. I think i might just stay with him for babies but in the same time i'll open my heart to get to know someone else and then i'll leave him. That selfish, isnt it? Any suggest i choose to stay??
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): Hunny,
You cannot go through this, not only is he cheating and now given you something he is emotionally blackmailing you...
He needs help love this is not good for you or your children, I was the same as you didnt want my friends or family to no what was happening in my life when it was all really nasty for me, In the end I had a breakdown as It all overloaded my body and soul..Do something talk to someone sweetheart it will be such a relief not to be alone in this PLEASE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): Take your children and get the hell out of there as soon as possible before he hurts you. Go stay with your family for a while. Don't worry about him hurting himself, you can't let him control you.I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): I am kind of going thru this situation myself...However, as someone who has cheated, I concur...If he didn't learn his lesson after the first time, let him go like Keyshia Cole says lol. I'd say one fuck up is permissible, and you're a hell of a woman to forgive him for that. After that...sorry, no third chances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): You need to do whats best for yourself and your children, NOT whats best for him. Honestly, he is not a good husband. He cheated on you twice and he cuts himself. You need to save yourself and your children and get away from him. I know that its going to be hard at first, especially if you feel that you have no one else. But you need to open up and tell someone close to you. Theres got to be one family member or one friend that will help you during these hard times.
Good luck with the doctor visit- I hope you're okay. If you end up gettin some sort of STD, that is unforgivable on his part because not only has he hurt you emotionally, he has hurt you physically with a disease/infection. Really- you need to care for yourself and your children. Please don't give up and just let this guy slide!
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reader, hurtagain +, writes (27 November 2007):
hurtagain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much you guys. Worst come to the worst is he got sick from that women and went to the hospital today. Sure, i got it from him also because i didnt know at first when he got back. its so embrassing when i have to answer the doctor questions. I have the appointment tomorrow. Wish me luck and hopefully its not too bad. I did ask him for divorce but he said no and ask for another last chance. I said no then he cut his arm he said If i leave him with our kids so his life is nothing left. Im cryin hard more each day because i cant do anything just like one way in but no way out. I cant even talk to my parents or anyone cuz i dont want them to hate him and feel pity to me. so i keep everything myself and question myself everyday that am i ready to get hurt again? cuz im sure it will come to me again soon. i still hurt and so blind right now and seem like i cant do anything just ready to get hurt again. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Hiya hun, I understand what you must be going through. But to avoid anymore heartbreak i would suggest you leave him. If your man has cheated twice, then he's bound to do it again and again. A relationship without trust isn't worth saving, find a decent bloke who will treat you with respect and father your children. I'm not saying you should kick the bloke out of your family's life, he'll still want access to his children which is very understandable. Some people just can't help themselves from having affairs!
A little tip. If you decide to leave your hub and start dating some other guys then try and go for someone a little older than yourself, perhaps 5 years older? They tend to be more faithful and commited to their partner - well in most cases! Alot of successful relationships involve the male being older than the female.
Gud luck with your future xx
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reader, calamitysil +, writes (27 November 2007):
I tend to think that all people make mistakes, but not everyone seems to learn anything from them! Like your husband unfortunately. It probably doesn't help that he's away from you for long periods of time, and if that situation doesn't change I don't think there's any hope for your relationship. How many times would you be prepared to forgive him? He's showing a blatant disregard for how much pain he's putting both you and the children through. You deserve some happiness too, so I think you should make your feelings crystal clear and start to think of a life without him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Hi Hunny,
You certainly can not go on like this as your trust is probably shattered as well as your heart, And everytime he goes away you will be wondering what he is up to and that kind of worry will upset you more and more as you dont want to be feeling this way about your husband. He said he wouldnt do it again the first time and you forgave him he has said it wont happen again hunny and it has. Will your heart ever be at rest enough to believe him?
Only you can make the decition if you are willing to go on this way as your husbands job takes him away from home and family alot, And he is not thinking about his family while with other women. How would he feel if it where you doing this? I can only tell you what I would do and that would be to go home to be honest, As I couldnt live this way.
Not only have you moved to support his job, you are in a strange country on your own with 2 children that is hard in itself without this added pressure...Have you family you can go to at least for awhile to rest your mind and maybe talk to a friend, He needs to realise he is a husband and father, Plus with all the stds you can pick up these days its just another worry to add to your list...
You really need someone to talk with love as I feel you no you cannot go on this way and should not have to... Please take care with love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): I'm very sorry to hear you're with such an untrustworthy guy.I don't believe a "one time thing" exists. If something ever happens, it definitely WILL happen again. I'm sure you know this from your experience. He's a cheater. It's in his personality. I believe he will do it again if you take him back. You deserve so much better. I hope you make the right choice. Good luck.
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