A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has cheated on me after 19 years of marriage. Should I give him another chance?
View related questions:
cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): 20 yrs! That's how ling we've been married. I praised him, waited on him hand over foot, never denied him sex, THERE IS NO EXCUSE!!! I weigh 108lbs and am complimented on how pretty I am all the time. Numerous times in our marriage I felt lonely because while he was out with his friends I stayed home with our children to be the responsible parent!!! This bitch is not only a fat drunk whore but butt ass UGLY!!! My husband after being at a bar drinking with these two idiots was to drunk to drive home so stayed at their house where after they continued to chug alcohol the wife takes off all her clothes and her husband invites my husband to screw his pig of a wife! After that night my asshole husband sneaks around with this slut. Texting, calling, and meeting her, they even planned to move in together. I felt lime he was withdrawn for the whole six weeks but I never ever thought he was cheating on me until I came across a picture of them together on Facebook . Made me suspicious so I ordered the cell records and there in back nd white was the flashback of 20 yrs of my marriage staring me dead in my face laughing as if to say you thought it could never happen to you. The night I confronted him he was horrible! Telling me he loved her and he wasn't sure if he even could try to work on us until I told him I will not wait around! If it's over it's over forever. I deserve to no right now then all of a sudden he cried, confessed his love for me and how he felt lonely.... bullshit he needed to push the blame onto a reason and as far as I'm concerned he had no reason. Two days prior to his infidelity he was singing me love songs after we had amazing sex. I am not throwing my marriage away and giving it all I can right now but it's very hard to overcome the anger and pain I feel. There is no question that I deeply love him but I just will never understand why he threw all those yrs in the garbage. He is very remorseful now and trying very hard to do whatever he can to save what we have. I am still DEVASTATED but I do not want to not try.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): I am going through the same thing my husband left a condom in my house and he told me he had an affair with someone that he does'nt know. He wants my forgiveness, and I want to give it to him. I feel like that he did this before. After 19 years and this all of a sudden happen.What I am trying to tell you that it happen before and you never caught him or he never told you. I wonder what to do myself
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): After being married for 19 yrs and realizing that your husband did this to you, it must hurt... but to me there has to be a reason as to why he did it. You know your husband better than we do, so my best advice would be is to talk to him and try and figure out why he did it... if in any case it sounds reasonable you should do what your heart tells you... Not that cheating is acceptable becuase my moto is one a cheater always a cheater, just maybe in ur case you can do something to prevent it from happening again. I been with my husband for 11 yrs and for the past 4 yrs he has been at this game of cheating on me, I keep on forgiving but he continues to hurt me, i think my pride speaks now instead of my heart. I noticed he will never change and i have to do what will make me happy. But if this is your first time going thru this really think things out becuase later on will be harder if you feel you made the wrong choice.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 It is like man with a car, if he loves the car, he will never
sell it even if someone offers him a very high price.
But if the car gives him too much trouble,
he will reluctantly part with it.
Count your cost before you want to trade him in......
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): My husband had an affair after 15 years of marriage. I made such a fuss and threw him out as my pride was so hurt After a while I begged him to come back and he wouldn't. I wish that I had turned a blind eye but I just couldn't but the trouble it has caused me financially and in other ways made it just not worth it. I was told this happened because I was no longer showing any affection to him and no longer communicated so maybe those are areas you could look at. If he is in his early 40's like mine was they appaer to seek and crave attention from women who are prepared to tell them how great, wonderful and successful they are whereas the wives normally can't be bothered with that anymore. Because of what has happened to me I would put it behind you and work on your problems.I hope it all works out for you,
...............................
A
male
reader, Paladin  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 You really haven't provided much information so its difficult to answer. You need to do whatever is your heart and whatever you think is best. You also need to find out or determine why this happened. After 19 years you should know him well and know if there is something that has changed over the years that would or could drive him to this. Maybe he is going through some dumb phase and its all about him. Or maybe you have changed and that is the reason. Again you haven't provided much info so I have to just blurt stuff out. Some people men and women think that they can gain a lot of weight and not take care of themselves and it shouldn't matter. Maybe it shouldn't but in reality it often does. One thing to wonder is did he cheat for companionship or sex or maybe both. You both need to talk this all out and see if there are things you both can do to patch this up. I believe that if you don't get to the core issues and resolve them this will happen again. Its not just a matter of forgiveness its a matter of sparking up the entire relationship you once had.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I concur with the Aunts on this page...very good advice by all. I am sorry this has happened to you, hun. It's a tough spot to be in. So you ask...do you give him another chance? That depends. Is this a first time cheat or is he a habitual cheater? I do need to say, that each and every couple's circumstance is very, very different. Many marriages have indeed, survived infidelity and moved onto much happier times. The big question is: Is your husband committed to working this through with you. A marriage of 19 years that has very likely seen it challenges and difficult times. You both learned to cope through some hard times, in the past...right? Whether to give him another chance, will depend on you and as to whether you can or cannot get past this. And whatever decision 'you' make, you do what's best for you and your family. If you are both motivated to keeping your marriage intact, then do just that. Sometimes, married couples can forgive because they both are wanting to making it work. If everything has been or is being discussed, the tears have been shed, the anger is being worked on and put away, then the focus now-is finding ways you can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved cheat-proof relationship and it is possible. Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery and ..forgiveness. Marriage counselling is the key..really consider that.
Counselling will help you both find suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the future. So if you decide to stay married, your feelings of mistrust and betrayal will pop up occasionally and your husband has to understand this. After all, you will likely be working this out emotionally, for awhile. You and your husband need to get everything out in the open and understand the root of why he cheated. So now concentrate on honest, truthful communication and work this through with him. Forgiving your husband does not mean you will forget what happened, but it will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready to move forward without bringing the past into your renewed future as a couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your husband again. Your trust will only strengthen, through the convincing, caring actions of your husband. This will be a long term process. But as to whether you should stay or go...none of us can tell you that, because we are not in the middle of your marriage and your life. But 19 years of committment takes a ton of caring, love, sweat and many tears. I know, I've been there. Only you can make that choice, hun. Good luck dear and I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how you do. Be strong and take care .
...............................
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (20 March 2008):
 If this is his first time cheating, then yes. You've invested a lot of time into this relationship to just throw it away. Make sure he won't do it again, and get relationship counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 March 2008):
 I think after 19 years of fidelity, he certainly deserves another chance - if he wants one, and you want to keep him. You need to talk honestly about where you both are, I think, and decide where you want your relationship to go. Having a joint goal and vision is really important, and maybe after so long together you need to review this. Straying is always a wake-up call, so if you can cope with it and put it behind you, maybe something good, and stronger, can come out of all of this. I hope so. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (20 March 2008):
 You need to look at the reason why he cheated, and try to fix it.
Was he not fulfilled sexually, emotionally...?
If you feel that you can take him back, and you both are willing to work at it, make a go of it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Many things happen in a relationship over the years. Things we do to each other unknowingly, it is amazing neither of us stick around. Communication is important, and I don't mean have the kids eaten, or how was your day, but going beyond that to a deeper place.
Give him a chance, 19 years is a lot of time together, and you both deserve a second chance.
I believe when a partner strays, it is because there was and is a disconnect between the soul mate. True love and caring for each other and respect has gone. Need to get it back.
Take care, and good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Obviously you havent gone into much detail, but if he's been faithful for 19 years, you need to get to the bottom of why all of a sudden he has cheated on you! Was it a long term cheating, or more like a one night stand? Either is bad, but obviously if he hid it for so long then it would be hard to just forgive and forget.. My advice to you would be to talk to him, and get to the bottom of why he cheated. Tell him how devestated you're feeling about it, and that if he ever does anything like that again then its over. But for now, it seems a waste to throw away such a long relationship.. Give him another shot, yeah? Let him prove himself to you again - but don't just go back to normal, let him know you're really upset with him and he should never ever do it again. Good luck :]
...............................
|
