A
female
age
51-59,
*era35
writes:My husband and I have been together for 20 years and have been married for 13 1/2 years. My problem started about 15 months ago, when I found out that he is very close friends with a female at his work. He never told me about her, but later when I started asking alot of questions he told me he was helping her with her partner, who cheated on her. My husband and her partner are good friends as well. My husband knows that I don't like this woman and is always lying and hiding things when it comes to her. I told him to stop doing that because his actions tell me that he is interested in her. He says that he will be more honest and open but never is. He texts her everyday from work and has occationally text her on the weekend when I wasn't near him. I have made it a rule now for him not to have his work phone on him when he is not at work and even on weekends. He has also got a photo of her son up on his wall which she put up and won't take it down. This woman, I have found out, is an attention seeker and manipulates people to get what she wants. Others are starting to see her true colours but my husband never will. He says all the right things to me, but is totally different towards her when she is around. I have become obsessed with this whole situation and we are constantly fighting. I am sick of it. I did turn to her for help at one stage before packing his bags what a big mistake i made. She went straight to him and told him everything. I don't trust her. I don't know what to do. I am depressed, constantly crying, constantly arguing with my husband. I love him so much but i don't want to put up with this anymore. I just want him to back off and he won't. I know he loves me and is not interested in her but I just can't stop. This is ruining my marriage. At the start I did try and befriend her to find out information, but i cannot stand being near her now. Please give me some advise on how to handle this situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I can fully feel your pain
At the moment my six year common law ended he left His reasoning in a email I received yesterday is that he will have back his female friends in his life. I will not live with that and I suppose he won't either. He can spend an hour a day chatting it up with them but can't say two meaningful words to me It hurts and I must move on Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): I went thru a similar situation. My husband thought he could be friends with women co-workers. These 2 ladies were in constant ahhhh of him. I truly thought they admired him but later decided they had a crush on him, and then later realized at least one of them was hitting on him. He is a very nice person, helpful by nature and can see why they would. He looked at them as sisters, and did not see them making passes at him. I told him they would be trouble Now....When ever I hear ANYONE say their co-workers are just "friends" its like a red light goes on in my brain now. So many affairs are with so called "friends" I'd love to think opposite sex's can be friends, but sooner or later "one" wants more. Plus as a child I knew my mom had MANY affairs with my dads friends coworkers and boses. You just see all the warning signs and you dont forget I know people who've had affairs w/coworkers. Some are quick to put the make on the other, others more play it subtle. Some are out just to see if they can. Put another check mark in thier black book or notch in their belt. Now adays its not just men who play .... I honestly think woman are worse Its all a game for some. Its a little phrase here and there thats signals us that these "friends" are after our husband or boyfriend, wife or girlfriend. Sometimes I do think MEN are truly DUMB and do not SEE the telltale signs....and like another poster said need to be hit with a 2x4 to wake them up !!!!! you are a woman and you know how and what women do to get men.... You are not imagining these things. Listen to your gut feelings. She knows what she is doing.... turning your husband against you. Befriending her is only playing games the games need to STOP. You should be his first priority not her, or her son. Your picture should be on his wall.
He has to make a choice its you or her.
My husband woke up ... when one of his 2 friends of 4 years told him she was going to call me and tell me everything. He asked tell me what, she only said I am going to tell her everything at first he did not catch on .... she did it again, saying loudly I am going to tell your wife everything in front of all their other co-workers. Everyone looked at him in shock ! She did it AGAIN this time He got fed up and said LOUDLY call her our number is in the book. then came home and told me what happened. He put some distance between himself and them and had little contact with both because I trust him I really didnt take it too serious until one day about 2 months later I got a call from one of his "friends" husband telling me that my husband was having an affair with his wife. He wanted me to meet him to discuss the situation.
I told him no.....and told my husband about his calls
and all the details. By this time my husband did everything I asked to assure me of his love and fidelity he had left their shift, and was having no contact with either "friend" but the friends husband continued to call me each time with updates of "the" affair and relationship...... the other friend was making up elaborate details to make it look like an affair was going on. Both were calling their employer trying to get my husband fired as well as the friends husband,here and at work for him. In the meantime I was still getting calls at home from the husband of the friend saying it was till going on.... by this time due to the eleborate details of the supposed affair It planted seeds of doubt and distrust, it was like if he ran 2-3 or even 5 minutes late I was thinking did he met her, could this have happened ? He has worked hard to put my doubts and fears to rest, and build trust. My husband called him and told him their was no affair EVER ! they talked at work about kids, family, me ect but NEVER any relationship between him and the mans wife and NEVER any plans of them being together EVER ! this is what she portraited. Her hsuand told me she has mental problems and would get crazy when she missed her meds. My husband confronted both friends at work and told them to STOP lying, the husband and his wife stopped and but the other even transferred for a short period of time to his new shift, trying to create more problems. My husband has learned a very hard lesson, he will tell you he thought he could be their friend, you see what happened to being friends, it almost destroyed our marriage, and trust in our relationship. Your husband needs to end things with this woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): I used to have a best friend. almost 2 years ago DH(dearhusband) and I went thru a speration. It was harsh, he changed and was a really angry person. I couldn't be around him and the kids were sufferering from is rage. So we left. While gone, DH lost it even more, and I was worried about him but because me and kids were in a womans shelter and I only had a borrowed cellphone, no money I I called my "best friend" crying freaking out cause DH could not be found, I asked her to call hosptals or police. She did, and turns out he was at the hospital. I was relieved. Next night he was home, and we were talking on phone for hours....having break-through he convinced me to come home. I dropped son at school and first thing that morning I went home only to find my BFF's car in the driveway. She drove to our city 5 hours from her own and spent the night with my husband alone. She says she was really worried about him. I know nothing happened (we had a college student renting a room at the time and she told me nothing happened), but it crushed my spirit because the night b4 when me and DH were trying to work on our reconcilliation, she had been sitting there beside him the whole time. They didn't tell me she came to town, I would have felt alot better had she called me, to tell me she was coming, but she did it all secretly. Needless to say, it severed our friendship. A couple months later is when I eneded up moving back. I told DH I didn't trust her anymore and left it at that. THen a couple of months later his cell phone beeped, I said who's msging u? It was BFF...I said how often do you guys talk? Not often, its not a big deal."we're just friends"...I said I don't feel comfortable with that! He promised to stop talking to her (Nov 2009). I left it at that. Fast forward to auguat 2010 DH in a haste to leave for work forgot his email open. I noticed some letters back and forth from him and ex-BFF. Read them, he wrote pretty long letters, very heart-felt, a few statements in them that could be mis-read) He added her to his "my5" on his cell and conveniently deleted all their text messages b4 I would have a chance to read them. They have visited a few times alone without me or kids and ex-bff says my husband is her buddy and I shouldn't be such a jealous hag. (my interpretation) Anyway the other night BFF invited him over for pizza and DH called to ask me if i was ok with it, I wasn't and said is there anything else you could do? He went and just hung out at a pub by himself and didn't go to ex-BFF but acted resentful towards me for not letting him go to her place. Anywasy I finally told DH, it's not appropriate for you to text her call her or hang out with her. It hurts me everytime you do it. I know you don't "have feelings for each other" but if you contiue to do it, I'm going to go find myself a dude to be firends with the way him and her are friends and then maybe he'll see what it feels like. Needless to say he got the point and "clued in" I told him he was having an emotional affair with her and he texted her that moment and said he was cutting off all communication with her. He appologized for putting me through all the torment, said he felt he had to be "loyal" to her because she was the only person who showed up in his darkest hour (she wouldn't of came if I hadn't reached out to her as my friend) Now ex-BFF is ticked off at me, saying I'm a horrible person for forcing them to end thier friendship just so I can feel good. All the women I've asked over the years said that their relationship is in appropiate given the circumstances that we used to be best friends. She is the type of woman that mostly hangs out with men, and loves their attention. So yeah....DH promised to not talk to her anymore and I told him if he does he may as well pack up and get out. I'm not against him talking to women, it is the circumstances of how they talked (secretly) and even when they knew how much it hurt me they continued..... I believe that prayer and the support of women who honor and respect the sanctity of marriage are what is going to get us through this. Oh yeah, she says I'm a homewrecker....strange considering she's gone through 2 divorces....trust your gut ladies. Don't be paranoid, but we're given woman's intuition for a reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I have gone through the same issue with my husband as well. We have been together for 20 years and have been marrried 15. After our son was born I was sick and with medications i gained about 25 pounds which I can't get rid of. So I know I'm not that thin girl any more as are the women he works with. About 2 years ago he started coming home talking about 2 different women at work every day talk about them. One day our daughter was sick and he left work to meet us at the hospital once we left I noticed that in the parking lot he started talking on the phone all the way home which is at least 25 minutes. Later I checked his phone and sure enough he had called HER and talked the entire time!We went to a christmas party and she was over by him talking without me for a while and everyone spoke to me except her? Next he was scheldued for a business trip to fly out to Texas first trip ever and we were both excited because he had moved up in the company and I thought it was great. We had already discussed the issues of her and I thought things were good, until the trip I knew about for about a month and one day about a month later which was 1 week before leaving he calls me from work and says hey by the way his boss couldn't go so they are sending HER with me its that funny HAHA! NO! Then ask what you think? WHAT? When he came in that evening I ask him point blank how long have you known about her going he lied at frist then I kept on about it and he finally stated 2 weeks!! He thought if he waited long enough he couldn't get out of it, so I told him Go but, when you get back have a new address, I deseve better and so do our kids. Believe it or not he sisn't go he stated I had an appointment he needed to take me to and she went alone or she didn't go I'm not sure. I finally told him you know I can make it on my own and I can take you for everything we have if your not happy here just leave! I was so scared but to this day I know I can and we have worked through it and guess what there have been no more trips and no phone calls that I know of and no lunches either. I love him a lot but I know now I love me and my kids more. Good Luck and email me if you need a friend!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): I have the same problem you have my husband goes to the casino and everytime he gets there I know he be looking for this woman and now she see me and she aviod me all the time and he came up to me one day and said he was going to startup her own business and I just look at him.But girl you know what I just take one day at a time and thats what you should just sit back and wait and see how far he will go with this woman.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): I just went through this. My husband and I split up over his "friend". After going through what you're going through for 6 months, I finally threw up my hands, and gave him an ultimatum. Me, or her. He chose her. It hurt like hell. But that was 7 months ago and I'm ok now. Me and my kids. You don't deserve this. You shouldn't be second to anything or anyone in his life. You're stronger than what you think. I promise.
If he chooses you, then what goes down from now on should be on your terms. If he speaks to her and you didn't say that was ok, then pack his s*** and tell him he can go live with her if she means that much to him. Stick with whatever you do. Don't pack his stuff and then let him stay. That's just telling him that you are going to accept whatever he does.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Tera,
We had a big fight yesterday regarding the same girl.
I feel so much frustrated. I am tired of fighting with him and arguing every day. He is so in-different. He cooks for me, drops me to work and does what ever I like and ask. For most of the people it sounds stupid and may think I dont have a problem at all. But he cares so much for her. When he sees her I can see happiness in his face. God, I am literally crying while typing this message. They both work together. They have a team of 10 people out of them I see only these two more often together going to meetings and all. Some times I feel like leaving him and living seperately. I love hom so much that I hate him he is hiding stuff from me and I can never forgive him for that.
At the same time I keep thinking I have been telling him not to talk with her for the past 2 years he is not listening. When he is away from her he is so dull. I can feel his pain. He has so much to share and talk to her but with me he come home and just watches TV. He never hurts me but so cold. For him our love was a mis-happen and our marriage was a mistake. If he has to go back in time he wont love me and marry me. I can understand we get infatuated with some people but for a short period of time and our life and hisnband matters to us a lot. But he doesnt seem to be happy living with me.
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female
reader, tera35 +, writes (27 August 2007):
tera35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the lady that has replied to my problem that is going through the same thing, it would be really nice to keep talking to you about this... never know, we may be able to help each other. Contact me in private please if you want to discuss this further.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): Oh my God!We both are sailing in the same boat.He loves me a lot and I do too. But there is one girl athis work and they always work together. She giggles and talks with him all the time. When ever I ask him about this he says they are discussing work. I told her that I dont want her to be that friendly with my husband. She said there is nothing between them. Even he said the same.But when she is with him no matter how much we fought previous day he always keeps a smiley and pleasant face at her. I just cant take it. I hate myself I am hurting my husband every day and with in few minutes I feel bad and sorry about it. But if I dont want him to be friendly with her why cant he understand? He is not cheating on me by having an affair but for sure he cares for her and helps her a lot at work. She admires him all the time. Every morning I tell myself that I shouldnt fight with my husband. But things doesnt favor me and I end up hurting him. I love him a lot and want to keep my anger under control. Please advise.
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female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (13 August 2007):
Hi,
This is difficult if you can’t accuse him of physical infidelity. I agree with the other lady that replied, in that this is as bad as or worse than physical infidelity, hut it’s not always easy to convince the ‘guilty’ party of this.
You could ask him why he thinks this woman is such a nice person when she is prepared to be the cause of this much trouble in her supposed friend’s marriage? Is that how good friends behave? It seems pretty obvious to an outsider that she doesn’t care about him or his future happiness in the slightest. But she obviously has some kind of hold over him, so probably he won’t hear what you are saying. Maybe you are right and it isn’t physical, maybe it’s the novelty of being emotionally involved with a new woman after he has been faithful to you for 20 years.
Now that this really is ruining your marriage, then you have little to lose. Sit him down and tell him that your marriage is now on the brink of failing. Make him face this. Don’t let him wheedle out of it with ‘all the right words’, like he has tried to before. Ask him if he wants to risk the end of the marriage over this ‘friendship’, because that is the way it is going. Tell him that you know that he continues to lie to you despite what he has said in the past, so now is the time for action and honesty if he wants to keep you, because words are no longer good enough. This is his last chance.
If some of the others who have realised what she is like are his friends, then ask them to speak to him as well if you are comfortable with doing that. Maybe, if he can’t just say to himself that it’s all about you being jealous and irrational, he might start to question what he is doing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): I've never been married but I've lived through my father's cheating to my mom seasons and my fiancé's inexplicable interest on his female friends lives and can imagine the pain and suffering you are going through. The only way I think I can help you a little is by making you aware that your husband is cheating on you with that woman and you already know it. It's called emotional infidelity and it hurts the same as the actual physical infidelity. Look for information over the internet about emotional infidelity so that at least you have proof for your husband that he is cheating on you with his behavior.
You should go to a good bible based church first and then to therapy so you can work with that depression of yours. Churches are filled with people who are ready to listen and pray for you and have already been were you are. Please go. Both things will help you lots. Even I had to go to therapy when I was in college and my mother found out my father was cheating. He was so changed and my mother so sad that I too got clinicaly depressed.
I wouldn't know what else to say because I can't recommend anybody divorce. It's time for you to focus on your well being and try not to focus on your husband's rejection. You were and are somebody important before you met him. I know rejection hurts a lot but don't base your self worth on what he thinks about you.
Be Strong! Good Luck! and God Bless U
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