A
female
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anonymous
writes:My husband has an addiction to Craigslist, writing and posting to mostly men and occasionally women. I know he loves me like crazy, and I know that he hurts himself even more than he hurts me. He's extremely intelligent (really, he's a brain), and also very depressed. I'm usually his rock, his best friend, we've very close and have an otherwise great relationship. But whenever I leave to visit my family (East coast), he's back on Craigslist, dinking around. I've caught him about 4 times over the years with a secret e-mail address and e-mails back and forth. It's obvious that nothing really happens, just the thrill of talking. I'm not a snoop by nature, the first few times he was just dumb and would leave evidence hanging around, or forget to close his e-mail. The most recent time, I had a feeling that something was up and I went to Craigslist looking for an ad that sounded like him, and I did. That's the snoopiest I've been. Now that we're married (been together 5 years total, married for just about a year) and I discovered him doing this AGAIN (I'm in school on the East coast, he's in the *blech* military on the West coast - even though we're both pacifists. That's another story. We're 9 months into this whole military thing), I knew that getting married when we got married was a mistake. Not due to anything other than this addiction. I call it an addiction because it's compulsive, he feels shitty about himself after he does it and it feels like he can't stop. I know he's in love with me, I feel it and he shows it. We never have nasty fights, he never treats me badly, makes me feel beautiful and appreciated, it's completely wonderful except for this huge skeleton in our closet - one that I've never told anyone else. To everyone else, we've got the perfect relationship... and for the most part, we do. I'm a super calm, easy-going person, but know that I can't put up with this. And, I know that he doesn't want to keep falling back to old habits. So, I laid out my first ultimatum and told him that he's got to go get professional help, or I'll have to divorce him. I feel sick at the thought of a divorce, I don't want to be tainted with that word and have people look at me like "another young person who didn't want to work at a marriage". I never thought marriage would be a picnic, but this is too much. I've also decided that I shouldn't talk to him for a while. I can't keep asking, "so, have you gotten help yet? So, have you gone to the counselor yet?" because that's not helpful. He needs to push himself, I can't push him this time. It's like being married to an alcoholic. Usually I'm who he leans on for support, and I'm the one who can make him happy when he's in one of these self-destructive funks. And I've told him that while I know that he wants to be a great husband, and I know he can be - right now, he's being a lousy husband. And I'm a smart girl, I know that I can't put up with this from ANYONE. Even if it means losing my best friend... but that is the last thing I want to do. First I want to give him a chance to try and fix this; our marriage; himself.I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing? This is so hard for me, because I'm naturally happy and I never stay mad. But, I think that maybe this time that my support comes from my silence... is this the right thing to do and do you think a counselor will help him fix his problems? I know he has to make the decision to toughen up and commit to getting help and helping himself. What do you think about this whole situation and am I handling it the right way?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 April 2010):
 Through the trauma, I'd recommend, if he has access to a neuro-linguistics programmer. Where traditional counseling has not been proven effective with trauma, NLP, has been proven extremely effective in both traumatized children and adults.
I've studied NLP. Our minds, where trauma is not confronted, pay back the images (subconsciously) as if you're forced to sit and watch the horror movie over and over again. When this happens, the trauma itself expands. When it gets to large for the subconscious to store, it begins peeking its way into the conscious state of mind, thus creating abnormal behavior patterns. NLP helps to reduce the affect of the picture, and often to a level where the affect is no longer interfering with conscious.
I've seen reports where in childhood abuse up to a 90% rate of success, over a few appointments vs. months to years of traditional counseling.
Take care, and I wish your marriage the best of success.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much.
RCN, you really gave me clarity. I think it would be useful for both of us to go to a counselor and get this all off our chests. Part of the problem is that it's always been such a big secret!
He's a great husband, he's perfect on paper and this will be a great marriage as soon as this one problem is dealt with. I know a lot of it is being lonely, depressed and needing validation. He did have a rough childhood - an alcoholic Dad who abandoned him, followed by a abusive father. Now he's got a great father figure, but he's only been in the picture since my husband was 18. He's got a lot of emotional baggage. And it does really confuse him as to why he does this, and I do really try to have it not effect me.
You've been so helpful, and given me the answer I needed to hear. "Divorce" is a word that I never wanted to use and don't ever want to do. I guess I just wanted to show him how serious this problem was, and that I can't put up with it forever.
Janniepeg - I'd love to "Mommy" him, but we live 3,000 miles apart right now and I can't supervise him. And, to be frank, I don't really want to. I'm just not "that girl", jealousy and possessive behavior don't come naturally. The messages are all talk about meeting up, what they'll do, etc. And he's definitely got a little bisexuality - but mostly, he's got a lot of kinkiness and I think the 'taboo' is exciting for him.
He really does love me, and I really do love him. I really believe that this can be fixed and that we can have the marriage that we imagined and hoped for. Thank you both again!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 April 2010):
I would work through it a little different. You need to keep in mind that an addiction is addiction, and the form is only the method used to fill whatever void or piece of self he lacking. Take an alcoholic, if you tell them to get help, state divorce, and leave them on their own to take care of it, generally they'll begin drinking more, because the word "divorce" means "end" therefore is a statement of being abandoned. You're talking about someone who's lost as to why he does it, and is more thank likely even more confused on how to take a step toward no longer doing it.
To take a stab at this, I think he doesn't feel adequate being himself, therefore seeks external validation. It seems as if he's someone who'd see himself as a failure and doesn't try to get to a higher state of self, because he's in the "throw up hands, and give up" state. This can also stem from validation growing up, if his environment wasn't one that validated and celebrated accomplishments as much as it frowned upon on and punished the mistakes. Therefore, making it difficult to accept or recognize even small accomplishments as being admirable.
In these states, the good one feels comes only from external validations. What I'd recommend is that both of you seek counseling. Reason being, what he does affects you, even when you attempt to justify it as not having such affect. Both of you seek a counselor separate, then both of you seek one together, and not necessarily a marriage counselor, because it seems if this went away, the marriage is in good shape. Also, for you two to counsel together puts you into the plan of the steps that need accomplished, and it's also reaffirming his importance to you, by being there and by hearing what you say on how this affects you, and also your desire to have him be free of this. This way, also you can be in charge of deciding if treatment with a counselor is effective or not, and make changes where it's needed to be more effective. This is a process, but where your marriage is important to you, it's one that makes the end result well worth going through.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 If he's posting to men could he be bisexual? Maybe the problem is that when your relationship is perfect, which means you are afraid of confrontation, you are both losing the tools to find out what you really want. Maybe it's in his nature to want to be with men too. Do you know the content of those messages? Chatting with people is not hurting him, but the stress is. Addiction comes in many forms. They temporarily help a person to hide from pain. Your husband has to know something is bothering him. I think a counsellor will help. If he really loves you he would do anything to make you happy. Of course don't start that conversation with "if you love me you would .. .." In the meantime you could be his parent for a while and block web sites with dating and mature themes. I don't think you should divorce him now. He is going through a phase and with your love and support he can pull through it. You know that in every 7 years our bodies and minds go through a major change and there is a change in our personalities and a different goal in life?
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