A
female
age
41-50,
*offy123
writes:My husband has a very bad temper. He always "blows up" and we get into a physical fight when we disagree. The other day he saw a baby picture of my brother in I in our photo album. He told me to take it out and stash it somewhere if I wanted to keep it. He hates my brother and I don't like my brother very much either, but the picture is sentimental to me. I wanted to keep it in there and I said it wouldn't bother him, he could turn it around or put it in the back...Before I could suggest this he yelled at me that I was taking my family's side over his. He thinks I should just say ok, even though I object. This is the most recent thing, but it happens over and over again about little things, then we make up after the fight. I'm not sure if I want to make up because I'm tired of this cycle. Plus we have children who have to witness this. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lotsofgiggles123 +, writes (23 May 2008):
 dis is just me but maybe you should probably go to a class together or just talk about when he is at a calming time
or mayb e he should probably help him out with the anger mangement or you could just tell him how you feel with his endless cycle of tempers. hope dis help :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I am glad to hear that he has agreed to go to counselling, BUT mine did and he gave all the answers that he knew they wanted to hear, unfortunately he got worse when we got home. I wish you all the best, but remember, a leopard never changes its spots and i doubt if he will ever get any better. Bear this in mind and be prepared to move on. I used to plot my get away when things got really bad, until one day i got up and walked out and never went back. I send you all the hugs and love that i can.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Thank you for your kind words and update. I'm glad that your husband is willing to try. I hope all goes well. Blessing and good wishes to you and your family.
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A
female
reader, coffy123 +, writes (22 May 2008):
coffy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you every one who responeded in my time of need and Thank you for being so candid with me. Susan and Diovan really helped. I didn't want to up and leave but I know there are things he can change and me too. If not - i am prepared to leave (special thanks to Waterloo). I need to have my kids grow up happy and healthy first. I asked him to attend counceling and he agreed. So we'll see what happens. Thank you all
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Your in a marriage full of conflict and physical violence on both sides. Your children are in the middle of this and are learning that this is normal in family life.
This is not right, in normal families there is love and happiness and safety. There are also pictures of aunts, uncles and grandparents that people never talk to and have never seen. They deserve to feel safe and happy, the deserve to have a happy mother and family life.
You and your husband need help. You need to go to relationship counselling, he needs to get help with his anger and find out why he feels so possive of you and frightened by your love for your family and other people. He needs to get help, if he's unable to do this, or unable to change, you will need to leave him so your children get the family life they so richly deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Well princess, you can't always get your way. It sounds like your just trying to annoy him. If so, then stop it now.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 If he won't recognise that he has an anger problem, then you have two choices: either get out, or try to deal with it.
Anger can be stopped and the cycle broken, but it's not easy. You must be determined and very controlled. If you can't do that then it's never going to work without outside help for both of you. You could make a start by looking at some of the pages that come up if you do a Google search for "dealing with anger" - they are mainly about dealing with your own anger, but they would give you the insight you need into his behaviour.
Some useful tips on dealing with anger:
Question rather than state - "Do you think if we...?" is much better than "I'll do this..."
Talk slowly, move slowly, lower your voice.
Sit down.
Use his name. Say "We" rather than "I" or "you".
Agree first in any sentence - e.g. "Yes I know my brother isn't very nice, so do you think I could put him in the back of the album?" then explain the reason.
Similarly, ask his opinion regularly - particularly when you know it involves something he doesn't like. "Where do you think I should put the picture of my brother when he was a baby" and then "Yes, that's good. How about in the back of the album?"
Think before you speak. Anticipate the areas that annoy him and approach them from an angle that means he has to think, just a little, before he can reasonably make a decision.
Don't forget that what you are doing is trying to break a cycle, not (most definitely not) pander to his every whim. You are trying to draw him into the area where he feels your opinions and decisions are just as important as his, and you do that by making him aware that you are constantly thinking of his feelings too. The whole thing centres around "we" - the two of us - and not "me" or "you".
I hope that makes some sort of sense.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): There is only one person who can break this cycle and this is you! You are letting him get away with it but tolerating, sorry, i am not being hard on you but i was just the same, but worse. I was a battered wife for 20+ years. I wish on the first occasion i had walked, called the police, or even hit him back, my life wouldnt of been as bad as it was, and i wouldnt have the mental and physical scars that i have now. Please dont put up with this oaf's behaviour any longer, and get rid of him now, we all deserve better and there is no way that you shouldnt keep any photos that you so choose to keep.
take care and get rid.
xx
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A
female
reader, Gio  +, writes (22 May 2008):
It is a fact that couples won't agree on everything. You could very well put the picture of your brother somewhere else, for you to see, and to avoid further discussions with your husband. The problem now is not anymore about giving in on little unimportant matters, but that you are getting into physical fights. That is a line that shouldn't have been crossed. You might be tired of the cycle as you say, or maybe thinking 'what next?'. Sure, you need to think about what is a good and healthy environment for your kids. You also need to think what is good for you.
All the best.
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