A
female
age
51-59,
*imetobefree
writes:I have been married for 15 years and I have never stepped outside of my marriage. I do not believe my husband has either. But every once in a while, I have my doubts. My husband has a strong desire for internet porn. He searches for it at least 3-4 times a week. It does not matter if or when we have had sex. He ALWAYS does a search the day after we have had sex, which hurts more than any other time he searches for it. It feels like he is trying to erase the images of being with and looking at me. Over the years, I have talked to him about my feelings on this subject. For awhile, he seemed to abstain, or at least in our home. I am not in a position to leave him currently, (financially dependent and have 3 children with him). Any advice, suggestions appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): I am in your shoes. I am here and available and attractive and my husband prefers having fun with something 2 dimensional. I'm not a nag or a prude. We used to have a fairly amazing love life. When there's a choice between a live person and an image and the image wins, something is wrong. That's no longer just an innocent guy thing. In my case, my husband unplugged me last night when he plugged into the television. I feel like I have a hole in my heart.
A
female
reader, kazzie  +, writes (12 September 2007):
Right it's simple but you have to be strong and really mean it when you say "i have had enough with your porn and now it's over, finished, I am going to seek a divorce" until faced with the ultimatum they will keep on abusing you, and it is abuse, an emotional abuse, they have to realise what they stand to lose and reach their bottom before they will start to work on it and try to change it. I view it as being unfaithful, looking at other naked women to get sexual gratification is definitely being unfaithful. Some of these husbands will change because they don't want to lose their wives, others will say it but just hide it better, trust your instincts, and the lady who says her husband said doesn't like her going thru his things because he deserves privacy, what the hell, when you get married there should not be any secrets or lies, and certainly no privacy about sex, he should not have anything to hide from her, don't back down, if they act like big kids then they are going to get treated as kids. I do know what I am talking about I have lived thru it and am never off guard, protecting myself, if I ever find anything again to hurt me, then we are done, he knows this, I am not playing. Good luck to all you ladies suffering this mental torture.
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A
female
reader, timetobefree +, writes (29 August 2007):
timetobefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to so many of you for responding. I see that I am not alone and there are several others in my shoes. I must confess that one of the replies was extremely offensive, trying to equate my experience with a woman losing a breast and then being angry at her husband for looking at pictures of breasts. Is this your story? I am only 39, which is hardly old. I am entering my sexual prime. And why do some assume that I or someone else in my position is overweight, "let herself go", or are overly jealous. I am none of these things. My husband has it very good. He has more financial,and personal freedom in his marriage than any of the other husbands in our circles. He does not check in with me as to where he is going, and I do not hound him. That does not however diminish the fact that when a man/husband goes to porn constantly for solace, release, destressing, pain management, that it somehow does not bother them. The position of spouse is supposed to be the one that is the primary (not only) source of comfort and confidante.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Some wives after having a breast removed might have a breast implant to recover some of their past beauty. Yet some cannot get such implants. Further without a breast implant, mere photos of their past beauty could motivate their husbands to love them more rather than less. Yet some wives may be very opposed to such, although many are not. Some women are overly jealous of their husbands, and might expect to be esteemed the most beautiful, and almost expect to be worshiped, and have too much in common with the wicked queen in the story of Snow White. Some jealous women might also think the many Bible heroes in old times who had numerous wives were like pigs, and think the God who gave them numerous wives also was a pig. Yet is it really that way? Yet obviously men need to be kind and considerate of women.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): I am having the same problem. My husband and I have had this argument since we were dating. He periodically looked at magazines, then pics of naked women on the web, then free porn sites. After our last discussion (about 8 months ago) I was actually getting more comfortable with it as it was not affecting our sex life. Unfortunately, just this week I found out that he is looking at women on the internet after we have sex and I fall asleep. He is satisfied when we have sex and he is a very lucky husband in that I love to have sex. When I brought it up to him, and told him I didn;t like it he said he didn't liek that I go through his things. He feels he should have his privacy and says he hides it because I am hypersensitive about it. But even if I am hypersensitive (which I can be) I feel he should respect that and not look. I am not sure if he is addicted. It happens in spurts (no pun intended). We are going to talk again tonight about it but I am actually tired of the same talk over and over. I just want to understand why he needs to do it. He says he doesn't know he guesses it's because he has a penis. I simply reminded him that while he has a penis, I have a heart and feelings and they are hurt while his penis is pleasured. Any comments or advice would be appreciated
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): the last male replier is a jerk...he implies that the h is looking for images of 'younger women'as if they are somehow more beautiful than you simly because of your age...ignore him...he's an ignorant knat whose probably only 14...
he also refers to 'the unfortunate husband whose wife has had her breast removed' as if he is the one who suffers ffrom having not two breast to look at ,mzingrather than considering the fact that she is a beautiful strong cancer survivor...and any h who even gave a pigs a...about her mising breast is not worthy of her (or any woman)
Male---- you have a lot of growing up to do......and a lot to learn about love, life and women.....Grow up and dont even believe for a minte you are educated enough to give an opinion on anything relating to women....maybe when you reach your 20...arrrrgggghhh pig!
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A
male
reader, hopeful2 +, writes (22 August 2007):
 Hello TimeToBeFree,I don't think he is trying to erase images of being with you. Seeing you likely simply stired him up to see what you might have looked like when young and stired him up to see even more vivid feminine beauty. Concerning the subject of pornography and feminography, both men and women need to try to understand each others needs, and give each other the respect and tolerance they need. First of all photos showing or encouraging bizarre sexual behavior should be totally rejected as such are rightly called pornography (which word according to the Greek means photos of faulty sex). Secondly even special photos of women (which photos might be called feminography), dare not be allowed to become the man's love rather than his mate. Yet women need to understand that man likes nothing better than the beauty of women. Such is just natural and God made men as such. God in old times allowed famous Bible characters to have numerous wives, even allowing them to take beautiful women from among the captives as an additional wife. Yet it appears some wives in our day might feel that husbands should think they are the most beautiful woman in the world, no matter how over weight they might have allowed themselves to become or no matter how they might appear.Further should the unfortunate husband whose wife had her breasts removed (because of cancer) be expected to perpetually refrain from pleasing photos merely revealing how his wife appeared when young and whole, which photos could cause him to be more affectionate and passionate towards his wife rather than less? Yet obviously the husband dare not become excessive or indiscrete with feminography, as it like evil pornography could become the husband's pursuit and life, and hinder his love for his mate rather than enhance it. Concerning sexuality in general, it is a powerful force which like fire or glue, can bind and warm if dealt with rightly. Yet if sexuality is dealt with carelessly, it can burn houses down, rather than warm them, and can make a painful sticky mess among people, rather than binding and gluing mates and families together as God intended it to do. Further it appears the false conservative sexual emphasis of many Christians has caused many to turn against all sexual law and order and which rejection of law and order has caused great sexual pains, just as bad or worse than the pains of faulty sexual conservatism. How many poor children discover the fire and glue of sexuality, without ever being taught how it is to be dealt with, and thus are harmed by it rather than actually blessed by it? The webb site "BiblicalSexuality.com" considers this subject quite extensively.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): For about 5 years now I've had the same problem with my husband. He gets up early, stays up late and comes home early if he knows I'm out, to use the internet or watch videos/dvds or the tv porn channels which he pays for. It makes me feel so low and I've told him this. He still can't/won't stop doing it. We have sex only occasionally whereas we used to have a good sex life. I've kept myself in good shape and well-groomed etc. but he would still rather do the porn than have real-life intimacy with me. We are in our early 50's and have been together for over 30 years so I know things can change but I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this. He's killing me inside.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): Like the previous person said, your husband first needs to admit that it is a problem. Even then it could be a while before he does anything about it. Facing up to this (and to the underlying problems that cause someone to do this) is painful and takes some courage. if he'll face up to it (expect denial, try to go to a marriage counselor if you can get him to) there is counseling for this, and there is also a group like AA called sex addict anonymous. They even do meetings by telephone conference call.
My boyfriend is addicted too ( he does it every day, sometimes for hours.) We have been fighting and he has told me it is my fault he does it, that I upset him and he is getting revenge, or that I stress him and he needs relief. But finally today he admitted it is a problem, and we talked about trying things like making computer access impossible from bedroom, turning off internet at a certain time, etc. I dont expect to see much improvement soon.
Which leads to what should you do (besides try to get him to counseling where he might at least admit to himself there is a problem). Private counseling would be great for you, there are community resources for cheaper therapy (although it may not be as good). A free alternative would be Al-anon, look at the stuff online - the concepts apply equally to partners of people addicted to things other than alcohol, and you might meet some people going through something veyr similar to what you are. Please take care, try not to take it as personal rejection (although I always do myself so I understand.) Its impossible to know what caused him to start this, but now that he's hooked, try not to feel personally responsible and take care of yourself and your kids, try to find other things you can get some satisfaction and pleasure from so that your marriage isnt your whole life.
I really hope the previous person has the courage to take the step he knows he needs, believe me, any reputable counselor will not be shocked, will not think he is a bad person, and it will be a big relief to talk about this and work on it. And I think he should feel good about himself for even admitting the problem . And so much better to do it before his wife finds out and there is a blow-up. You can do it!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): I'm afraid he is addicted and like any other addict, he won't stop until he takes the proper steps. I know because I am addicted as well and my spouse doesn't know at this point. I have faced the fact that I am and I know there is help out there for me (and for your husband) but I am ashamed to take the first step. I think if my wife gave me an ultimatum I would be forced to take that step. I love my wife and she is very desirable, so don't think of it as your husband needing to another woman. It is an addiction, a drug so to speak. I hope he (and I) can soon get the help we need.
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