A
female
age
,
*ietta
writes:Hi, I just recently found out that my husband of 18 years has kept up with an old girlfriend from college who he has always had strong feelings for the entire time we've been together. She lives 3000 miles away and they haven't seen each other for 15 years and up until 8 months ago they hadn't spoken for 5 years but she found him on the internet and they hooked back up and started lighting up the phone lines. Our marriage wasn't going so well at the time, I hadn't had sex with him for years but we were still living together and doing things as a family with our two kids but within a month of starting to talk to her he asked me for a divorce. But he didn't tell me it was because of her, said it was because he couldn't take our fighting anymore. I was devastated and it made me realize that I really did want him back and I did everything I could to get him back but he just kept telling me he was 100% dead and buried and felt nothing for me, there was no spark. I still had no idea about this other girl. Gradually, he started coming around and started coming clean and told me he had been playing around through our entire marriage but mostly kept in secret contact with 4 old girlfriends that all lived in different states that he flirted with who made him feel good. I couldn't believe all I was hearing. Then I found a weird phone # on the phone bill and asked him about it and he had to come clean and eventually he finally told me that he had been talking to that one special girl he had stayed close with for over 20 years from before I even met him and they had gotten closer and closer. He completely broke it off with her and said I was more important to him. But after a couple of months more bad news. Even though he was back in love with me he said he couldn't stop thinking about her. And this is all through the phone, he hasn't seen her for over 15 years and even when they dated off and on for 4 years in college they never even slept together! I thought it would all blow away so I didn't worry about it at all and we started having the best life together again and I was back madly in love with him but that came crashing down when he started telling me instead of it going away it was getting worse and he really really missed talking to her and the good feeling she gave him. He still says he wants me more and wants to stay with me but I just can't deal with another woman in my marriage, even though it seems to just be a fantasy girl 3000 miles away, he tells me he knows he will never be completely happy without her in his life but that if he went to her he would want me and be miserable without me and will never be completely happy without me. I'm at my wits end. Has anyone ever heard of someone being obsessed with someone they haven't seen for 15 years and only talk to on the phone? I know people will say they have to have gotten together but I know for a fact-- for many reason too long to explain-- that they haven't. Just the phone. Any advice or help would be so appreciated. I have lost so much weight and can't stop crying and am very depressed. A counselor we went to while we were trying to repair our marriage before I knew what was really going on said he had never heard of a marriage love story as strong as ours and that it was like a movie. I have a trunkful of love letters and cards and beautiful poems from him. I am having such trouble dealing with the double life he's been leading for 19 years!! The entire time I've known him! I've never heard of this situation. I feel my entire marriage was just a mirage and I'm having very very much trouble coming to grips with it all. Thanks for listening. I truly hope someone can give me a little piece of light in my darkness...
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I must admit, reading your post here nearly broke my heart. You poor woman, have a big {{Bunny hug}} I earnestly feel for you so I'll tell you what I can "see" from what you're saying: You're disillusioned and reeling from learning that you've been long deceived without nary a clue. This has obviously torn your heart out. First, make NO excuses for him or his behavior. he IS fully accountable for his actions, keep it that way. This is a HIM thing, not a YOU thing.
Somehow, he's managed to make it this far without Miss 3000 miles, hasn't he? If he's going to allow someone who is basically a figment of his imagination to ruin your lives then there's an issue in HIS head that he must come to terms with, like yesterday!
It sounds as though he's attempting to make himself the victim in this, don't allow this or buy into such a ruse. HE isn't the victim, he's the perpetrator. He actively chose to lead a duplicitous life for so long, NO ONE elects to live a fantasy for nearly 2 decades unless it's an active *choice*
I'm fairly certain you're not alone in this darkness, fact is he's been fooling himself as long as you. He's cheated you both. And we all know, cheaters never win. He won't either. Where is he, who's he with after all the affairs and fantasies? This man obviously *needs* you.
I think you need to determine what YOU need out of this, how much you're willing to deal with and just exactly how much collateral he is going to put up against his future behavior IF you determine he's worth continuing on with. If it's the right thing for you to try to rebuild or salvage your marriage from the refuse heap he's elected to make of it, then you also need to allow him to accept and shoulder his part of the bargain. It sounds as though you're assuming too much fault or accountability or blame for this demise. I'd encourage you to examine with a clear head-when you're able- exactly what happened here before trying to rebuild. Because you may not genuinely *want* to rebuild this. Remember that very often, the things we now think may very well kill us, often turn out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Pull yourself through this darkness, pull hard, whatever it takes, pull YOU through and one day you'll turn around in the light and look back at the dark and be be all Phew, glad that's over! Deep breath, pull yourself up around your boot straps, thump your chest: I am woman, hear me roar! and all that...you CAN get though this, though it feels you just possibly can't...you CAN. What other choice do you have but to get through it?
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