A
female
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anonymous
writes:I've been married for just over a year. My husband has a very bad temper to the point where all he does is yell when something bothers him. I tell him he has to calm down, but he doesn't. He never wants to talk things through rationally. He just yells until he gets red in the face and his eyes tear. Other than that, we have a pretty good realtionship, I suppose.But I find myself attracted to someone else. I haven't told anyone - including the person who I have feelings for.I don't know what to do. My husband and I own a house together. I am actually the one who bought it because I make more money. I buy almost everything for the both of us and I do most of the housework. If I bring up stuff for him to help out with, he gets in a mood. Like feeding the dogs or putting away dishes - he gets upset because he's playing video games.Sometimes I feel like I should have never got married. I told him we need to work on things because I don't feel love for him like I used to, and he just thinks I say that because I'm angry when I mean it all the time. It's not a joke that I say these things to him or because I'm angry.I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I don't know what to do at this point. I feel myself drifting from him and he doesn't take it seriously. Then after feeling like that, I find myself attracted to someone else who doesn't get angry so easily and is the exact opposite, in fact. I know the grass is always greener, etc. But I don't know what to do. I've even spoken to my husband's mother and she agrees that he flies off the handle too much. I'm at my wits end.Please help. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): I am in your same situation after 2 years of marriage at 31 years old (luckily with no children) and I dated my husband for 6 years before we were married. My husband was always a "gamer" so I just grew used to being ignored and lived my own life - unfortunately this perpetuated an already "bad" behavior pattern. We discussed this prior to our marriage and he really worked at being more helpful and attentive for a while.
Since being married, things have continued to return to the way they were and progressively get worse. We've discussed this numerous times and each time my husband grows more and more angry. I have asked him to go to anger management but he refuses and tells me that it's my fault that he gets this way. I tried standing up for myself many times but when you're dealing with an irrational person, it's impossible to "win" an argument or make them see your side. I know it's not my fault but rather than argue I now just say "I understand that you feel that way and I'm sorry." He feels badly for about 2 days and then it's back to games and neglect and anger at any small request.
I am not attracted to anyone else, in fact, I deal with the opposite problem...I'm not attracted to anyone at all, including my husband and the thought of him or anyone else being intimate with me makes me sick to my stomach.
My advice is this...I know you love your husband now even if it's different than the way you loved him in the beginning. And truly it doesn't matter what made you fall in love with him at first. He's changed or the relationship has changed and you have changed to a point where you both either must get counseling or you must "save" yourself, if he's not willing to take this seriously. Your relationship is not a video game; he can't "beat" you or just hit "pause" to regroup or find the "cheat codes" to get to the next level. You are a real person with real feelings in a real marriage.
The bottom line is this...Don't be an emotionally battered wife. It starts there and will ultimately escalate to something worse. Whatever that means to you, whether you move out or he does; or if you choose to go to counseling; or if you choose to do nothing - just be aware of what you're setting yourself up for down the line.
I wish you the best and hope that you and your husband BOTH truly love each other enough to get the help you BOTH need and deserve.
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (25 February 2007):
 Sounds like your husband is not playing his part.
Book a marriage councellor appointment so that he knows you mean BUSINESS OR ELSE!
Try not to be tempted by someone else as you may be confused about your feelings at the moment.
Your husband (conscious of it or not) knows that by getting in the mood, you get to do everything in the house.
I am surprised you did not know this already when you decided to get married to him. Usually couple set some boundaries and discuss before hand what is expected of each other.
Concentrate on what made you fall in love with him and tell him what you did like about him so that he has the opportunity to make you happy again.
If this does not happen and if you really feel that things are not working out, then he is not your soulmate.
Hope things work out for you.
Angel of Love
x
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (25 February 2007):
 Ah, you poor thing, I understand how you feel does your husband want a wife or a replacement for his mother? It is hard trying to balance everything especially when your first married and its only been 1 year. You really need to let him know that you mean it. Give him an ultimatum maybe you will leave for a while. It sounds like he could do with an anger management course to help flaring up, he obviously knows what side his bread is buttered start giving him more resposiblity. As for having feelings for someone else I can understand because your not getting that from the man you married and you obviously crave this, Try not to do anything that you may later regret, good luck with your husband and I am sure deep down he loves you but you really need to be strong and let him know how you feel its no good telling him and then alowing this to continue as he will think your just moaning again.....
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (25 February 2007):
 I don't know how old you are, but you sound fairly young . . . maybe too young to be married? You also don't mention how long you dated before you married. If you got to know him better before you were married, you may have found out just how he was . . . and you could have made a wiser decision regarding marriage.
Since that is all water under the bridge, you have to decide if your marriage is worth saving. If you both can get some counseling, that might help. Plus, he needs to get some anger management skills. If he's not willing to work on your marriage, and you're not happy, maybe it's time to part ways . . . regardless of the other person you are interested in. If you do split up, don't be in a big rush to get involved in another relationship. Spend some time knowing yourself. . . .
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (25 February 2007):
 The other guy you're attracted to...? I'd put him out of my head for now, your husband is too volatile to comprehend you ever being with someone else just now, he could go for you or the guy you like so forget about him for the time being.
The main problem is that you're not happy in your marriage. You've tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't listen to you. He's needing a wake up call! I suggest you try talking to him again and if you get the same response then move out temporarily. Move back in with your parents or see if there's other family or friends that could take you in, either that or rent something on a week to week basis. He NEEDS to see that you're serious here and this might just be the way to do it. Let him know where you'll be (telephone number) and when he's ready to talk then he can get in touch with you.
If after a while you don't hear from him or if things don't change for the better then it's best you both go your seperate ways. Much better to find this out in the early stages of your marriage than to go through married life unhappy and unfulfilled.
Good luck love
Eve
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