A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm writing this post because i found something which has concerned me a bit. I have been married for a little over a year and things have been going fine, at least, i thought so. Before we got married my husband slept with another woman behind my back. This was over two years ago and i've tried to move on from it. I didn't think he was in touch with her anymore but last night i found out he'd spoken to her 2 days ago on whatsapp.We've recently relocated because of his job but are coming back for Christmas. It looks like he's planning to meet with her. The messages went like this:Her: HeyHim: Hey what's new?Her: Not too much. Not as exciting as you.Him: Aww I'm sure that's not trueHer: So, how's married life?Him: Different. How's the bf?Her: Different? Yeah, good thanksHim: So, he won't mind us meeting up?Her: No, i'm allowed to see a friend ;) We have a weird friendship, don't you think?Him: Yeah, fairHer: I'm not sure what i'd call itHim: Well, i would call it a very passionate relationship that is now friendshipHer: Yeah, ok. Him: You confuse me.Her: Ditto. If you see me as a friend then that's what i am.Him: What does that mean? :OHer: We're friendsHim: Ok but what do you want?Her: What do you want?Him: To meet up for coffeeHer: Ok. Him: Got to go. Talk soon. xWhat should i make of that? Why would he say being married is "different?" Should i say something?
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female
reader, Ginger fish  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Hun you should confront him don't take this kind of stuff you deserve better! Its time to move on because he will never change and waiting longer will only make it harder. He's intending on having an affair if he isn't already and he shows no remorse and in doing so he is treating you like a goof and you really don't deserve to be treated that way. Walk away so you find an actual Man (I put emphasis on the word Man because your husband is clearly far from a man) run and don't look back don't let this guy takeany more of your pprecious time or life when you could be spending it with some one who only wants you and will treat you like the queen you are. Please don't let him turn this on you, you didn't do anything to cause this and you are NOT to blame (I say this because adulterers generally will put it on you, its your fault because....) I think with the fact that you felt the need to go through his phone tells me that you really don't trust him and you already knew (whether it be subconsciously or not) like you deserve much better.
Good luck I hope this helps :) you are welcome to pm if you need to talk.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): OP here.
We're back in town now. He's messaged her again.
Him: I'm back!
Her: Hey :) How are you?
Him: Good thanks. You?
Her: I'm good.
Him: So, when are we meeting up for that coffee then?
Her: Depends. When are you free?
Him: Erm Friday?
Her: Yeah, ok. I should be free then.
Him: So, if the coffee doesn't warm me up, are you going to?
Her: Haha It's not that cold you big wimp!
Him: Wimp? I don't think so. You know i always get what i want. ;)
Her: And what's that?
Him: You... Wouldn't want to upset your bf though.
Her: Or your wife
Him: Yep. Way too many people in the way!
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (17 December 2014):
I'd be concerned as to why he's meeting up with her? He's married now and she's in a r/ship. They dated in the past and her b/f is ok with her having/meeting friends. But does he know this friend of hers is an ex b/f? Mmmm...I don't think your husband wants something more with this girl. She seems to be fishing for some sort of confirmation from him as to what their 'friendship' is/means? Your husband was quick to point out that they're friends. It's a rather awkward txt conversation but why are they meeting up? I'd suggest you hold fire on confronting him or her about this. I know this discovery has left you rattled but take a deep breath and for now...do nothing.Easier said than done but your husband so far may be innocent. Wait to see if he mentions his ex to you and that they're back in touch and meeting up. If he does'nt then be concerned. If he loves you and their 'friendship' is harmless, then he should IMO say something to you. But to me it's a weird awkward convo.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2014): Okay, sorry, but that changes the tone of everything - if he started it then when he is saying "what do you want?" then it is very obvious that he is looking for more than friendship - when I first read this and it seemed like SHE started it, it very much seemed like he was just innocently asking her, in quite a literal sense, what she wanted / ie. why was she contacting him and he was also saying that she was confusing him.I am really sorry, but it sounds like he is definitely fishing for something to start up again. I'd photograph the conversation, so you have a record. Either confront him with it and listen to his excuses (until he does this again either with her or someone else, which he undoubtedly will) OR control your emotions no matter how hurt you are and just don't say anything but keep the photos of the conversation, get a private detective to follow him when he does meet her - and, depending on what happens, contact a lawyer and take him to the cleaners/divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2014): Op here.
He started the conversation. He asked her if she had whatsapp and to send him a message as he didn't have her number so sent her his.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2014): From what you write it seems that she started the conversation...if that is the case then I'd say, without doubt, it is more her chasing him than he chasing her. When you read through, it's like she is the one doing most of the flirtation and probing - and he is the one trying to put limits on it - he admits they were passionate but are now friends and he says she confuses him...whilst she keeps angling for something else. I'd say he is more getting caught up in her games than the other way around - he asks her what she wants just because she contacted him - and then she is flirting so he just says he wants a cup of coffee - he's quite obviously weak, and weakened by her flirting, but I wouldn't say it's him that is going out looking for anything. The problem is his weakness and I imagine it comes from low self esteem that's actually nothing to do with women - but that women are just a way to make himself feel better about himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2014): Can you afford a private detective? He is cheating. You need more evidence but take photo of any phone messages you can. Do not say anything yet. He will lie. He is already. Saying your marriage is different is awful. He should say it is wonderful. But he wouldn't. Get your finances together quickly and get legal advice. You need to strengthen your position so you can take the right action one way or another.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 so coffee is what they call sex now?
OH honey I am so sorry you found out that he never gave her up this way,....
I'm open. I'm accepting of my hubby having other female friends etc. I even let him stay out all night with them (he's gaming at friends when this happens)
BUT... he's NOT being forthright with you about it. He's hiding it from you.
If he's not still sleeping with her, he will be if he gets the chance.
I love CIAR'S idea..confrontation will net you an attack because putting you on the defensive that you snooped will work well.
KEEP the topic on him meeting her and NOT sharing it with you.
IF they are just friends, hiding it from you makes NO sense at all.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2014):
 He's been cheating behind your back the entire time. That conversation is him telling her that he wants to be a sex buddy and her wanting more from him.
Either way, it's crap. Tell him to shove the marriage up his ass, and then you walk.
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A
male
reader, lifesgreat +, writes (15 December 2014):
like Wise said there is slight flirtation but no body is doing it outright .
its almost although they are testing the water.
The term different can mean anything really, at first I read it the messages and he seemed honest but he set up to meet her and if your relationship was a main concern then that is the last thing he would do as it could ruin the relationship .
TBF best bets are to end the marriage , and do not ever forgive a cheater again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): It sounds to me like he is trying to start it up again and she is ok with it. When you took him back did you discuss terms for that? Did he agree to stop contact with her? That is what most people would want. Are you sure he ever completely ended it with her?
He isn't trustworthy imo, he will cheat on you again if he ever stopped. Sometimes you can forgive and things can work out but in many cases you are dealing with a serial cheater, like your husband seems to be, and or there are other problems in the relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if this woman still remains in his harem after you divorce him if you do.
He will have a gazillion excuses just like he did before I'm sure and he will try to turn it back on you. You have to decide if this is what you want for your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): What would you really gain from confront ING him OP. More lies plus accusations of you snooping and being paranoid.
He has no reason to meet up with her other than the obvious. If it was legit he'd be open about their friendship and he'd definitely ask for your permission first.
Get your ducks in a row and divorce him. Use condoms from now on should you decide to stay until he cheats again. You don't want to catch any DTD.
He is not worth forgiving again since he doesn't understand what a marriage is.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Confront him OP but be prepared that he's going to throw it back on your face by saying that you snooped and spied on him. There's a very good chance that he'll slam the door and storm out and make you look like the culprit.
Also, think of all the possible excuses that he might and will come up with and you will have to refute each and every one of them, point by point.
He'll say that there's no crime in catching up with an old friend.
He'll say that there was nothing "wrong" or fishy, it was just a conversation between two friends.
He'll say that when he said "different", he meant it in a good way.
He'll say that the reason he didn't tell you about the conversation was because he didn't want to hurt you because he knew you would be unreasonable about it and he didn't want to ruin the holidays.
He'll say that he'd categorically told her that they had a very passionate relationship which is now friendship, so where is he wrong?
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OK...so that you know what are the possible answers he could come up with, read careful what Uncle WiseOwlE has written. Your husband was a cheater, you married him despite knowing that and gave him a chance. A cheater gets just ONE chance to prove himself right and ideally, he should have severed ALL ties with this woman. She should have ceased to exist for him.
I'm sorry OP but I don't see this going well. Prepare yourself for the eventuality of a divorce because hes not showing any signs of reforming himself. You have your life in front of you OP, do you think you can ever trust this man completely?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): You knew what you were dealing with (my heart goes out to u and I don't mean to sound cruel, apols) when you married him.
- It sounds like he's up to something but this ISN'T a man who sounds like he's cut out for the fidelity thing. I don't see any way around it other than talking to him directly about it? Calmly, with the facts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): This conversation means he is setting up a date to cheat on you, again. That's what it means.
What should you do? Serve him with divorce papers and be done with him.
You are foolish if you look past this and forgive him yet again...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): Well, you know that he maintains a "friendship" with a woman he slept with behind-your-back; behind your back.
There is some innuendo and subtle flirtation; but no one came right out and said anything incriminating. They were speaking in code, just in-case someone did read the conversation. The ambiguity is deliberate. You decided to marry a man who cheated on you; knowing full well you'd never really trust him, and you'd be checking-up on him. This is what your marriage will always be like. Wondering what he's up to?!
Strike-up a conversation about the woman he slept with before you were married. Ask him how's her boyfriend? Watch his reaction. Then ask him how the term "different" defines your marriage? He'll know he's busted. Then he's going to say she's just a friend. Then place your mind in divorce-mode. A cheater gets only one chance, or less.
Married-men aren't supposed to make friends with women they cheated with. If you found it in your heart to forgive him; he's supposed to permanently sever all ties. This is done as a condition of his forgiveness. His mission from that point is to earn your trust back. That should have been done long before you even conceived the notion to marry him.
Should you even have entertained the thought to marry a cheat at all. If common-sense had any part in your decision.
If they were only "friends," it wouldn't be done in secret. Morally, he shouldn't have anything to do with her out of respect for you, and your marriage. If he didn't say your marriage is good and he's happy. Then he is implying he isn't totally pleased with it, and that leaves the option open to be friends with benefits.
Those types of alliances aren't legit. That's rubbing your nose in it! Besides confronting him, which is inevitable. What do you plan to do about it? You don't trust him, and now you have proof why you shouldn't. Marrying him was not a sensible strategy to win a man from your competition!
That is usually the logic behind marrying a known cheater!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Maybe it's the mood I'm in, but my advice is to sweat him when the opportunity presents itself.
Say nothing just yet. I mean NOTHING. Do not give him any reason to even suspect you know about the message. Then the day/night he goes to meet her, you say 'Drive safely. Have a good time. Give Sally my regards' then go about your business.
OR
If you happen to find out the date and time they're planning to meet, pretend that you're trying to make plans for a couples night with other friends for that same date. He'll have to keep coming up with excuses and reasons why that night isn't good, or he'll have to keep cancelling on her. The purpose of this is not to stop him from meeting her, but to punish him for doing so, and in a way that he can't get angry with you because you'll have the moral high ground.
Oh, and save the text message (without him knowing about it). File it somewhere in case you need it down the road.
If you want to talk to him about this, then I suggest you use a different tactic than the typical 'confront and accuse'. I think something understated would make more of an impression. No accusations, no ultimatums, no threats. You don't need to commit yourself to a particular course of action at this early stage. Just enough to unbalance him. Then let him stew in his juices.
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