A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where do I start. I have 2 boys from a previous relationship, I was with their dad from 11-22, we were kids and were always arguing as he never supported me etc it was mental torture! I met someone else who was kind and I fell for him. He lived miles away but had a good job and set us up a flat. After we moved in together I got a job and he lost his. We did marry but since then things have gone downhill. He never has any money. I pay for everything . He won't find another job and only works now and then if someone asks him to do something. I love him but I'm not in love with him. He is like a best mate. It's also like having another child! Is it my duty as a wife to support him ? He has not supported me for a long time now. He seems to have very low self esteem and has no confidence. I like to get out and do things. I don't want to hurt him or his family but I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this! Always no money and struggling to pay bills! Thanks
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Does he do the house work, if he is home all day and not working? If not I would start making "honey-do" list of all the stuff that needs done while you are at work, get him into the thinking that HE also needs to participate. At some point maybe he will RATHER go get a job then do the laundry, clean house and cook....
Offer to help him put together a resume, maybe even help him look over job-adds to see what's out there he can do.
My guess is the not working is two-fold for him. MOST men do not deal with unemployment well, they feel it is emasculating. That they have become a failure, which then is reinforced by having a partner drag the whole load. Now outwards he might SEEM like he is OK with not working and YOU pulling to whole load, but I don't think he is inward.
My dad lost his job after 27 years with the same company when the company re-sized and reshaped. And he was honestly QUITE annoying for my mom to try and deal with. He "wallowed" for a GOOD 2 years before even looking for another job. Now my parents had good saving, he got a very nice severance pay, and my MOM at the time were making good money too, but the adjustment to him staying home? VERY VERY hard. Now you may think, he would then help out at home? Nope, he actually made BUSY work for my mom to do when she got home.
One thing though, it's NOT the MAN's job to support you financially (or your children) BUT when you two got married it was a MUTUAL desire to take care of each other. If you give him money, I would stop. Pay the bills, take care of the kids (I presume you get some Child maintenance from their father for that?), take care of the bills. MAKE a budget and CUT things you can't afford on YOUR income alone, like cable, internet, expensive cell-phones (unless they are under contact). Then move on to meals, have a couple of meatless days a week, cut the junk food, and eating out. If YOU want to go do things outside the house, try and SAVE up for it.
Telling him YOU need to get a job or get out... is not really going to do much for you.
THOUGH, if you have found yourself fallen out of love and wondering WHY you are staying, then maybe you need to sit down and think on that a bit more.
If he IS depressed suggest he goes see the doctor and DOES something about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): Hi, thanks for your kind words. I have actually stated that he WONT get a job, not that he can't. He is not trying at all. I have been the bread winner for a lot of years. I am getting no support from him and its mentally draining me. I work to keep a roof over our heads and keep us warm. Am I so wrong ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): Yes. You vowed through thick and thin, and now he's lost his job and can't find work you want to walk away? Marriage had no time on who supports who and by how muxh. Not how it should work. Get real.
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