A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last week, my cousin Rachel told me that she'd seen my husband kissing a schoolgirl in a car park by a McDonald's; this girl looked about 16-17, and he didn't even seem to notice her. She didn't want to confront him and cause a scene and embarrass herself or get people videoing her, she's worried about it because she works in a public-facing job in our area.She told me that she'd gone out for a business meeting and didn't expect to see my husband that day.My husband was out at work that day (he can't work from home anyway for his job, with him being a maintenance man, self-employed).Rachel is my best friend, we've been best friends since we were 8 years old.She was in the area for a business meeting with a client in a local pub, the client doesn't do Zoom etc. as she's rather old-fashioned about things, so Rachel told me.I'm not questioning Rachel's motives for telling me this, she's always been rather honest and open, but in such a way that tries not to upset people.I've got twin daughters (not identical), 18 years old, and don't know how to tell them about this without worrying about their reaction.However, last night, I got a WhatsApp from Rachel who told me that this schoolgirl isn't really a schoolgirl but a sex worker who roleplays as one, and she only knows of it because of spam email. She recognized the woman's picture as the same girl my husband was kissing and felt creeped out by it... the website linked to said about "a woman in her mid-30s with 10 years, avalable for BDSM/bondage etc.". Rachel has always complained to me about how spammers got her email, however, it's her business one and I suppose you can't really not promote it on your own site.I confronted my husband over this, and he said he only did it because he thought I'd never wear a slutty schoolgirl outfit. He said it was never an affair, no sex was involved. He admitted it went on 3 days after lockdown ended (so 22nd July if my timeline is right).Our sex life had been good, and the incident made me question now if my husband has unsettling fetishes.To be fair, our sex life had been vanilla, but I'd never wanted extreme sex or BDSM stuff; I know what that is, I've read about things people do to spice up sex lives, but for now it's not for me, doesn't mean I won't in the future.Communication between us on sex life had normally been pretty good but I'm questioning this.I'm angry, furious over this, paying a sex worker.I feel like I'm an angry,betrayed woman.I wonder if my husband is angry over our class differences; I'm from a wealthy family, whereas he's not quite working class but not fully 100% middle-class either.I grew up with a wealthy family; we're a wealthy Scandinavian family although I'm English-born and my mum's English.When we met 22 years ago, things were great, I met him in, ironically enough, a burger bar, it was a Burger King, when I was an office worker in London and he was a student; he seemed like a nice guy.Now I'm paranoid he's got STD's and he's probably had sex with her (if he has... who knows how many men or women she's slept with).I don't know if I should divorce him, although it is cheating, he's normally been loyal and this is the first I know.I wonder if COVID and lockdowns "flipped the switch" on him and made him like this; however, he's shown no other signs of personality disorders or odd behaviour, been a good guy. During lockdown, he hated the whole 18 months of lockdown, but luckily he was able to work and obviously as a repairman couldn't work from home.I also wonder if cultural differences are causing problems now; previously they didn't. I'm suspecting he's hating some of the Swedish parts of my heritage that he once liked. I'm not really complaining about the British/English parts, I am half-English so who am I to complain?I love my husband, but am now questioning the whole thing.I wasn't, as my job couldn't be done from home or via Zoom, so I had to resort to selling books and toys via eBay and posting them to get income (even though I'm wealthy) since the nature of my job meant it couldn't be done over Zoom. My job's a very sensitive one, requiring in-person interaction.I'm able to return to having clients from September which is some 2 weeks away now, not bad really.The question is, how should I deal with this, as it's not a situation I've ever expected myself to be in and don't know what to do next?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (19 August 2021):
 First and foremost I agree with all of the advice so far. He has cheated. He is probably lying to minimize the repercussions. There is often much more than you know about.
But there are some things about your story that twig me.
1) there is a power imbalance in your marriage. It also appears that he likes powerful women.
2) I don't believe for a second that you will ever be anything but pure vanilla in the bedroom. You are in power and can set the rules. You speak of kink with veiled disdain.
Kinks and fetishes are usually long term things. It is likely that this is something he has always lusted after. Being caught is also a power kink. He could have set this up. If he did he's wrong, it won't work. Your kink-o-meter is nailed to vanilla. The only punishment you will give him for this is withdrawal.
Advice: consult a lawyer. You need to know where you stand legally and have a set of plans. then you will be ready to act as needed when you decide what this means for your future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2021): It's easy for us to quickly suggest that you divorce your husband. We don't know him, we don't know you, and we have nothing more to go-by than a rough description of the events that occurred. You have your family to consider, you have to access your history together, and it's a matter of trust. In my estimation, your trust has been destroyed. He hired a prostitute!
Are you telling me this was so crucial and necessary that he'd sacrifice everything for it??? I will avoid using swear words or expletives!
You should only inform the children you and your husband have serious matters you need to resolve. Seek marriage-counseling in this case. It may not save the marriage, but you seem vulnerable to gaslighting. It helps for the children to know that you've gone out of your way to save your marriage. It wasn't just a kneejerk reaction; though it is serious.
Your family's wealth and financial-status prior to your marriage has nothing to do with this. The fact is, he cheated! Don't search for excuses and rationalizations, or delude yourself. Stick to the facts!
Here's my take. Your husband immediately had a prepared excuse for what he did once confronted about it. In a way, he was gaslighting you; making you believe somehow it's your fault, because it's something he wants he knows you wouldn't do. You're supposed to feel responsible for his cheating with a sex worker. Seriously?!! I mean, really dude?!!! Had your friend not caught him, you never would have known. Who knows how long he's been doing this? Your best friend couldn't live with herself knowing so much. What else could she do? She could never look you in the eyes holding such a secret. There are extenuating circumstances here that justify her intervening; when in most other situations you'd mind your own business.
He solicited a prostitute to do what you won't. Do you not have any choice what you allow people to do with your body, or how he makes love to you? It's not pleasurable unless you both like it! Thus, he feels justified; while possibly exposing you to STD's, and willfully cheating on his marriage. Yet he trivialized it, to make it seem as if he wouldn't have done it; if only you would role-play. Come-on!!! You don't jeopardize your marriage and the loss of your family for the sake of your sexual kinks! Then you have to ask, where exactly do you place your priorities? How much do your wife and children mean to you? Apparently his penis is his top priority, to put it bluntly. Assuming it was all okay as long as he didn't get caught! Such audacity!
Now lets see this for what it is. He picked and chose this woman for the sake of sex. It's not like he wasn't getting sex at home; he wanted things that you don't necessarily expect of a wife. Some wives will painfully go to unbelievable lengths to do unspeakable things to keep their husbands from seeking other women. Sacrificing their safety, their mental-health, and their morals. Cheating is not justifiable. It is a betrayal of trust. You don't go find somebody else to do raunchy or kinky-stuff your wife or husband won't do in bed. You either compromise, or just forget about it. You'll live! Ever heard of anybody dying because his wife won't role-play?
He didn't pick her only because she'll do nasty little things; she was a different woman altogether. That's why people cheat. To be with somebody other than their boring committed-partner, just for kicks or kinks. Some people have complete full-blown love-affairs; even when their spouses will do anything they wish! It's so wrong, because you've made vows that you'd forsake all others; and you made them under the premise of mutual-trust, monogamy, and devotion. It's not being as casually-committed as boyfriend and girlfriend; and having a little oops or a misstep. He broke his vows, he cheated on his spouse, and he did it with a sex worker. Someone who has exposure to who knows what at any given time!
Whatever decision you make regarding the fate and outcome of your marriage; do not assume the blame for this incident. It has nothing to do with you, it's all on him. He made the calculated decision to seek a sex worker, find a place to meet, and to execute the plan. He paid for sex with another woman. He put everything he has in jeopardy, including your health. Now your trust has been betrayed. I wouldn't recommend dismissing this without marriage-counseling; even if divorce might not be the final outcome. You need a mediator/referee, and this needs a full in-depth discussion; so you can fully express and release your feelings and pain. You need a qualified-counselor as a neutral third-party; so you're not fooled/blinded by his gaslighting, or sidetracked by second-guessing your own responsibility for what he did.
You are not at fault! He is!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2021): Why are you still even with him??? Is your self esteem that low??? Girl get some therapy.You need to dump this lying cheating chump.You should also be more angry at him.Things are not all peachy.Respect yourself more than this.Hopefully you have no std from him as aids can kill you.I actually would want to live long enough to see my daughter's married and to have grandchildren.How come you dont???Think about this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2021): Prostitutes never mouth kiss a client no matter how much they are prepared to pay them so I don't believe your friend when saying she saw them kissing.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 August 2021):
 My first question has to be, why would you want to involve your daughters in this sordid situation? Surely a mother's first instinct would be to protect her children from such information? Regardless of what he has done, your husband is still their father. I appreciate you are hurting badly, but find someone else to share this with, not your daughters. As you are so close to Rachel, and she already knows about this, perhaps she would be the ideal person to share this with?
Secondly, do you completely trust Rachel? I know you should never "shoot the messenger", but she had the option of speaking to your husband about this and not involving you. Perhaps I am doing her an injustice and her motives for telling you were completely pure, but I can't help wondering, especially given the coincidental way she found out the true identity of this woman masquerading as a school girl, whether your friend is really all she seems.
I'm completely puzzled as to why you would think your "class differences" would drive your husband to messing around with sex workers (regardless of whether he had full sex or not), unless you see him as inferior to you and make him feel that way.
The ball is now in your court and you need to decide whether you can ever trust him again. If not, then your marriage is effectively over.
I would advise not doing anything in haste. You have many years of marriage under your belt. Talk to him. Try to understand where and why it went wrong. Decide rationally whether you want to work at saving your marriage - HE will have a lot of work to do - or whether this is where it ends. Whatever happens, this is between the two of you and nothing to do with your daughters. Keep them out of it. If you insist on them knowing, then at least let your husband tell them in his own words. Ripping their father to pieces in front of his children's eyes will not help YOU feel better, angry as you feel right now. Hurting others will not lesson YOUR pain.
Stay strong, stay calm, think logically. Then do what needs to be done so you can move on with your life.
I would also play safe and have a sexual health check up, and insist on your husband having one too.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2021):
 Well, for one I think you should go get an STD check-up. While he SAID nothing physically happened... you don't know for sure.
What your heritage has to do with anything is beyond me. So if you had been "full English" he wouldn't have done this? Bollocks! It sounds like you are looking for things to EXCUSE what he did. For many women, this is a deal-breaker. A marriage ender.
"I feel like I'm an angry, betrayed woman."
BECAUSE you are one!
I think YOU have to decide what YOU need from him in order to move forward together (if you intend on staying married). And then talk to him about it.
"I confronted my husband over this, and he said he only did it because he thought I'd never wear a slutty schoolgirl outfit."
That is THE most pathetic excuse I have ever heard! Also if you two have 18-year-old daughters and he wants to "hook up with" someone dressing up as a teenager, that is frigging creepy!!
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