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anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm really down,my husband has a serious drink problem,he turns from such a nice person into a real nasty person after a few hours,Always sorry next day,but its the kids i'm worried about,the nightly abuse from his words to them is heartbreaking,its as though he has no feelings for them whatsoever,He finds fault about a mess they have left,a sweet paper dropped etc,goes into a real fit of yelling abuse at themYoungest is 12 and he thinks they should do a job before getting the money for a pack of crisps etc,He just gets so unreasonably angry about everything,but its made the kids disrespect him for flying off at them for nothing so they have became more disrespectable to him,i dont agree with the theory or children cheeking back but i can honestly see where they are coming from as as soon as they come through door he lights on them and vents his anger,He's like a child,he argues back like a child,if they say ,look dad just go to bed you're drunk,he retailates with something silly like,no,you go to bed you fat bitch,That really upsets me as I've tried to tell him he should not talk to his children like that and is driving them away,The children are close to me and i feel as though i am failing them for putting them thought this,A few of them are teens and can be stroppy at times,even with me but i try to work them out of it,whereas dad ....well....it just feels/seems he has no feelings for them at all,Sorry,i'm probally not explaing things properly as there is so much needs to be said
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the responses,it is much appeciated,will respond more fully when i can get chance as been really busy today
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (9 September 2007):
 i think you need to sit him down when he is sober and explain to him that you have a duty to protect your children and you would not let anyone else hurt them like that so you cannot let him do it either just because you are married to him.explain to him that you love him but if he does not get professional help to get his drinking under control you will have no choice but to leave him for your kids sakes because god only knows what kind of repercussions this could have on them in their future. he is their father, he is meant to love them unconditionally and be one of the people they can go to no matter what - he is abusing them, hurting them and it will affect them in the future.hopefully he will be scared into doing something before he completely blows his family apartgood luck x
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reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (9 September 2007):
Okay, I looked over the fact that you are anonymous and cannot be emailed through here. I guess I will just post it here to make sure you can see it. Maybe it will help others too, and I ask the others who give responses not to respond to me so much and judge me or my family. I am not the one asking for advice here and I am not saying any or all of my actions in this are correct either, but I post this so maybe you can understand what your kids may be going through. If you other responders do feel so compelled to tell me things were handled poorly or whatever, please message me privately and keep the focus on helping the person who asked the original question even if you think I've got problems too. It might be long, but here it goes:
My own father was an alcoholic. He wasn't abusive, but it was very disappointing. Every weekday (when my mom was at work during the day) he would drink while I was at school. It started when I was in the second grade and didn't end until I was in eighth grade. I was born late in his life and he had bad luck with jobs. He'd find a new job and soon after they would have massive layoffs. His age made it harder to find work and for those drunken years, he was unemployed even though he tried very hard. It is still no excuse to do what he did, especially when he had a family to take care of and spent the little income we had on booze. Apparently he was an abusive alcoholic when I was too young to remember, though some memories of him being an unjust asshole do pop up from that time frame.
Imagine, being a kid in grade school. Friends would want to come over after school, but they couldn't because you have a dad so drunk he makes no sense while staggering around and acts like a complete idiot or is sleeping in the middle of the kitchen floor while swearing at no one in particular and just talking about how much life sucks to himself while discouraging you from doing anything. No, he was not one of those happy drunks, but one of those angry, depressed, or just downright embarassing drunks. This happened every day of the week while my mom was at work. While friends wanted to come over to my place (especially since my home was close to school and on the way to many of their houses) they couldn't, but I also didn't go and hang out with them because I was worried my dad would hurt himself or do something stupid (he spoke suicidal thoughts when he drank) so I'd basically be coming back to take care of him. Eventually i couldn't do it any more and I didn't want to be there either, so I went to a friend's house after school every day until I was sure my mother was home. After all, she was the adult and should be the one taking care of this, not me.
For the most part it ended by the time I was in eighth grade, with small bouts here and there until I finished college. It isn't until the past two or three years that i have really forgiven him. I have forgiven him, but I consider myself fatherless for those years, because i pretty much was. His body was in my life, but he wasn't. He decided to walk out on me the second he thought about going to the liquor store. Some people may say that I didn't really forgive him then, but that's their opinion. They may think I'm wrong in thinking this, but this really is the reality. He was no father to me at this time. During those in-between years, I had forgotten those memories on the surface, but treated him very badly as these memories led to resentment underneath. I used to blame my mother for not standing up and doing anything too, but I now realize she did what she thought was right. She'd talk to him about this on weekends, but it did no good even though promises were made. She didn't know what else to do. She should have taken the hint and gotten him some professional help, but instead it became the deep dark family secret. She didn't want to embarass him by getting him help, or perhaps she was embarassd herself. She didn't want to leave him because she still loved him and thought he might kill himself if she did. I don't blame her now, but that is just me. Your kids might resent you later for this if you don't take action now. As you can imagine, it forces one to mature much faster and grow up quickly, but I think it also held me back in growing up in other ways. I have come to realize that I have some really deep trust issues and find it hard to get close to people. I always hide what I am really feeling.
They say that abused children often become abusive parents and that the same applies to alcohol. This is true. In fact, many patterns are passed on from parent to child, without one usually realizing it, though you can figure it out if you take the time to think about it. To illustrate this point let me tell you also that my father had a very abusive drunk for a father. In fact, my father left the home when he was 12 because he couldn't take it any more and he went to find work. He started picking cotton. My father has a sister that is one year younger. As irrational as it is, she blames my father for not protecting her against their father. She was 11 and he was 12 when he left, and she somehow believes he could have supported them both at such an age.
In a way i am lucky. My father was not abusive for most of what i remember, even though his father was. And I have learned more about what not to do in my life than to naturally mimic the patterns of my parents. My childhood has motivated me to be better than that and to NEVER put someone else through that. As soon as I find myself falling into a pattern that resembles what my parents do, I question it. If it doesn't serve me, I work to undo it. This includes the alcohol, and uncontrolled anger. It isn't that I am anyone special, I have just made a conscious decision not to do certain things my parents have done and to always evaluate what I do and ask if it works. I would probably benefit from getting counseling myself, because i haven't been very successful in getting rid of my trust issues and problems with closeness.
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reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (9 September 2007):
He needs professional help and alcoholics anonymous or whatever the UK equivalent might be. Your kids retaliating is just them defending themselves from an undeserved attack. Get him into therapy or even couple's counseling on the side too, and if he refuses, then leave him. If he goes and doesn't have the willpower to get better, then leave him. He needs to straighten up his act and realize that he has no right to be hurtful to your or the kids. If you don't, your kids may even resent you for a long time. They may even resent you and not know it.As I write this, it brings back many forgotten/blocked memories. I have never written about them and told very few people about them. I will email my story to you. It may be long, but read it all. It might help you understand what is going on/what will go on in your kids' minds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): His anger and alcoholism are not your fault.
His anger comes from within, and he's just attaching it to a bunch of meaningless "problems" around him. That keeps him from facing his own problems deep down.
It might be a good time to separate so he can work on his alcoholism.
My friend did this (beat up her old man too, to get out of there), and retrieved some of her respect and love from her kids. They had to live in poverty for a while, but, I think they ultimately learned a lesson about falling into bad relationships, and getting out of them. When her old man died, the funeral was still held, and the family was still whole in the end. When she died it was a sad time, but, everyone went their own way, hopefully to better futures.
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