A
female
age
41-50,
*47Devyn
writes:My husband sold his whole duplex to his ex girlfriend, even though she hardly ever paid her rent to him for her side when we lived in the other. She's constantly calling needing something, and he jumps, sometimes making me do things for her, too. She barely pays him every month, and he is still responsible for the mortgage. We are out at least $600 a month because of this, plus other expenses for her. He doesn't make much, and this is a HUGE chunk of money to us. I can't have even an inherited car because he says we can't afford the upkeep. I am so damn fed up with hearing "We can't afford it" when he supports this ex. They have no children together. I am in trouble over food, toiletries, water usage, and needing a relatively cool place to live in in the summer. He doesn't get the baby all she needs, and resents buying what he does get her. He says we must live off his parents' charity. The ex also owes him about $40K in past loans. We could have income if he sold the duplex properly, or rented it out properly. He is VERY frugal with money, other than this This woman doesn't like me, and only asks HIM to go over there. She also never helps him, and is very self-centred. Their relationship/friendship has been one-sided for years. I am to the point where I am raging inside just upon his mention of her. I hate to divorce, as I never wanted my baby to be from a broken home. I have started packing, and moving things back home now. I never wanted to be one of those controlling wives who tell their husbands with whom they can, and cannot be friends, however I see our family is taking the hit for his 'friendship' with this woman. She almost killed herself with alcolol and drugs a decade ago, and everytime he thinks of this, he tries to get me to feel sorry for her. I tried to be her friend in the past only to be rebuffed, and hurt to my face, and behind my back. I cannot stand this anymore. Am I in the wrong? Too sensitive? Is it time for "You choose our baby and me, or her!"? Do I just go? I know I've asked on this subject before, but this is huge, and I need a little more advice. Thank you so much, everyone. Sincerely,Devyn
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divorce, drugs, ex girlfriend, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (23 July 2012):
forget the ultimatum, just leave already and dont waste any more of your time on this loser. he is not worth it! its beyond disrespectful what he is doing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): I agree that Husband was very careful in choosing you as his Wife. He needed someone who would take getting walked all over repeatedly and someone who would turn a blind eye to his lust and obsession for a very unstable, untrustworthy, uhhealthy woman as his GF.A man who loves and honours a woman would NEVER Do the things he has done to you. HE WOULD NEVER PUT OTHERS BEFORE YOU Or his daughter.Your Husband is not that type of loving, honest, healthy, reliable man.So what if he is frugal? He's also a selfish ahole. Have you really reached your limits of intolerable behaviour because a HEALTHIER, STRONGER, WISER woman would have kicked his unstable and unhealthy ass to the curb LONG AGO.You are still making excuses for his emotional abuse and even now allow for her to verbally abuse you.You walked into this unhealthy and twisted relationship and THEN married this man. What healthy, happy woman that loves herself would do that?Oh, she wouldn't.Okay so now we know who and what we are dealing with.Get some PROFESSIONAL counselling ASAP. Get stronger, wiser, healthier. When you are on this path, you will see with clearer eyes, better perspective and will WANT to break free from this state of unrest, unhealthy, abuse.And with it, take your daughter away from being tainted by such ugliness and give her a fighting chance on having HEALTHY, LOVING, ADULT relationships.Do it for you and your daughter.How many people with the perspective that can see it and call it; will it take for you to make the right decision?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): From OP's referenced prior post:"My name is not on the title to the new house, even though he said it would be. When I asked I am at the signing, he just said in front of everybody that I'd better not divorce him. I don't want the house, I just want respect and love. It just may not be forthcoming."From previous anon male speculating daddy issues:Devyn, you need professional help for your baby's sake as much as yours. I suspect there is something seriously, seriously wrong that is impairing your judgement to the point where you are sitting back while cheating thieving hubby is literally stealing money from his baby to give to his GIRLFRIEND (not ex, never was, never will be). You muat have had a very unhappy childhood resulting in huge, gaping voids you long to fill any way possible, and hubby is shamelessly exploiting a vulnerable and unhappy woman and he won't stop until you and baby are out on the curb penniless.You blindly believe EVERY bald-faced ludicrous lie he tells you to the point where you are possibly endangering your baby's heath and safety. I really don't know what else to say. In your eyes, hubby can do no wrong. You will likely be making excuses for him and blaming GIRLFRIEND no matter what. Don't want to post what I'm envisioning but somehow somebody has got to get through to you. Whatever event scarred your childhood has resulted in severe devastating long-term consequences. You need to get to the root of these issues, you literally have lost the ability to think clearly and act responsibly as a mother. Is there a responsible adult to whom you can grant temporary or shared custody? Your baby needs to be in the hands of someone who can truly care for her needs. You can't because you refuse to accept that hubby won't. Please please getb the help you and your baby so desperately need.
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A
female
reader, 747Devyn +, writes (20 July 2012):
747Devyn is verified as being by the original poster of the question This is the mark of a good man?
Devyn
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 You and your child are your husband's priorities, not his ex gf. He clearly still cares about her in a way that you have picked up on, and feel threatened by. She's manipulating him into giving her a free ride, and he doesn't seem to mind.
Of course she doesn't like you! She knows if you had your way, she'd be out on her ass like she should have been ages ago.
Your husband may be a nice man, but he's either not very bright, or he's flaunting his devotion to this woman right in front of your face. You're not too sensitive, you're not wrong, and it is definitely time for you to walk. There are so many situations where divorce should be the last option, but this just isn't one of them.
If you are struggling to pay the bills and feed your family because he wont stop spoiling this woman, and this has been going on for ages, he has no business calling himself your husband. To be quite honest, I don't know why you've stayed. You've become both his and her doormat. This is not a healthy situation for you, or for your child.
Maybe one day he'll smarten up, but if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath.
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A
female
reader, 747Devyn +, writes (20 July 2012):
747Devyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/his-ex-can-do-no-wrong-and-me.html
Is the question I wrote before to clarify.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2012):
 I'm sorry I don't think an ultimatum is going to do any good in this case, I would however sit him down and tell him how you feel. Though I have a feeling he will be very defensive towards his own actions.
I would give him a chance to hear you out before leaving him, but honestly, someone who caters to their ex in this way, isn't over the past relationship and isn't interested in "being" over it either. She makes him feel like a knight in shining armor even though he's just a douchebag in tinfoil.
Sorry honey, I would prepare an exit strategy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): "Is it time for 'You choose our baby and me, or her!'? Do I just go?"
That time is long, long past. He obviously made his choice, and it's not your baby and you.
Don't blame her, blame HIM. She's not the one neglecting spouse and child, HE is.
"I hate to divorce, as I never wanted my baby to be from a broken home."
"I never wanted to be one of those controlling wives who tell their husbands with whom they can, and cannot be friends"
Advance apolgies if I'm off base, but subtext leads me to believe you are child of divorce, father likely distant or absent, suspect you may blame your mother for father's departure, and in trying to avoid what you perceive to be your mother's mistakes by preserving "our family", you've gone to the opposite polar extreme. You are so intent on maintaining the presence of a husband and father in your baby's home at all costs that you can't see that the toxic influence of a lying cheating scumbag is much much worse.
Don't mean to be harsh, but you'd be unwittingly setting a terrible example for your child by remaining in an environment where she'll learn by observation that it is normal, expected and acceptable for men to disrespect women and neglect children, and for women to allow it, condone it, excuse it, and blame themselves or third parties for it.
You must realize that by maintaining your desire to give your child what you never had at any cost, you may be unwittingly subjecting your child to silently endure a childhood far more hellish than you could imagine. You must learn to make distinction between good and bad, right and wrong.
I respectfully suggest you seek counselling, suspect your unresolved daddy issues are manifesting in ways that could cause far more damaging daddy issues for your child. You're also going to need help, information and support in making clean, final break from hubby. He's not going to let you go easily and you're not going to let him go easily as you probably see divorce as the ultimate failure. It's not. Raising happy, well-adjusted children under less-than-ideal circumstances is the ultimate triumph.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): My worry for you based off what you wrote about not wanting to be a wife that has issues with their husband talking to girls (this is a TOTALLY different issue!) is that you will give him an ultimatum and he will say no. Then you will just think it was all your fault and any anger from him you could think is your fault, thinking oh no how could I give him an ultimatum?
If you want to give him one then do so, but don't stay if he says no he won't stop. Or if he gives you some sob story on her behalf. It's not right, but regardless, it's making you upset and your happiness is important!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): Sit down with your husband and talk calmly and tell him that your patience is running thin. What ever her problems are, he is no longer her helper to the financial detriment of your family. You and his child should and only be his priority. She lost this right when they became exes. She will never grow up and stand on her own two feet when she knows he will pickup the pieces.
She will feel she has a hold over him if she threatens suicide, and thats wrong and manipulative on her part. She and only she is responsible for her actions.
If your husband cannot sit down and listen to your worries then im sorry to say that you should go to a marraige councilor. They may help if hes willing to go and it may raise issues you do not even think are an issue, but it is to him. You both need clarity and if hes unwilling to try and save your marraige then maybe it is time to think of calling it a day.
You will and can survive, believe me when i say you are stronger than you think.
Goodluck
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 July 2012):
I'm surprised you were with that man for so long. I would never want to raise a child in that environment as well. I think you are making the right call by moving out.
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A
female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 This other is manipulative and using your husband kindness. Talk to your man an tell him how you really feel. Maybe this woman has promise to kill herself if your husband is no longer going to take care of him. It will be better to trace this other woman's family an tell them what is happening maybe they might help to take care of her and move her back. She's an ex for a reason. Your husband is a good guy so please don't give up.
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