A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thank you My husband and I have been married for two years. He is a charming man, shows affections and can be very expressive. I do love him , I just don’t like some traits he has. He doesn’t like to be questioned, and he gets angered quickly. There have been times he calls me “woman”, stupid, shut up, quit running my mouth and stubborn. He believes his word means everything and I should listen without any questions. I want to say, he isn’t like this all the time. It is frustrating when he is like that though. In the marriage he has always an excuse to ask for money. It’s usually his family members apparently that need the money and he expects me to pay for them. There is always some kind of emergency that he needs to send back home for his brothers or mom. They don’t speak English so I can’t communicate with them . If I don’t help him with his family , I get the silent treatment. I have never once asked him to help my family. We have a son together and he still feels he needs to send money back home for his 5 brothers and mom. I can understand if it was just sometimes but this is every month and it adds up. How can I ask him to realize he needs to put us first and his brothers are adults ( except for the 8 year old ). Part of me feels maybe the youngest boy is his and his mom is raising him. I have asked that but he insists he isn’t . He tells me it’s cause he is close to his youngest brother Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2018): [EDIT]:
Correction of typos:
"If he acknowledges you as "woman;" simply suggest he not forget that's who you are, and to treat you accordingly!"
"Blow-up in his face, and tell him you are sick and tired of his disrespect in front of your son. This better be the last of it! Your boy watches all of it. Learning how women should be treated."
"What goes to his family is taken from your kid."
Post script:
Either a woman demands to be treated with love and respect; or she leaves the man who refuses to do so. If she chooses to stay and do nothing about the mistreatment; she should stay quiet, and not complain.
That door opens to let you in, and to let you out. Either one of you. If he can't show your son how to be a good man, he has to go. Generosity comes from the heart.
You wrote a post, because you are unhappy. Unhappy you will stay; until you become "woman" enough to be spoken to with respect. To teach your son how he is to treat women. Woman enough to send him back to his country of origin; if he doesn't know how to treat or speak to his wife!
Never-mind your little disclaimer:
"I want to say, he isn’t like this all the time."
That's what they all say! No, it's just bad enough to make you ask a bunch of strangers what you should do about it. Will you use any of the advice? Lord, I hope you will!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2018): When you develop a fear of being direct and speaking frankly or honestly to your husband; people offering advice may as well talk to the wall. You want sympathy more than you'll heed the advice.
Your husband speaks down to you; because you allow him to. You don't correct him or ask him not to; because you're afraid of his girlish little silent-treatment.
Let him pout! Children stomp a foot, and go storming off when they can't have their way!
There are worse names to call you than "woman." If he acknowledges you as women; simply suggest he not forget that's who you are and to treat you accordingly! Blow-up in his face and tell him you are sick and tired of his disrespect. This better the be the last of it. You boy watches all of it. Learning how women should be treated.
Naw, you don't have the courage. Because he won't like you!
If he wants to send his family money; let him get a part-time job, and send his own money.
You can pick and choose. Offer your help according to your conscience, the situation, and how generous you are feeling at the time. You have no idea what they do with the money, or if the emergencies exist at all.
You don't demand people to help your family, you ask them to nicely. If they refuse, you get it somewhere else. You don't owe his family squat! Did he marry you to support his poor family back home? Are you so desperate for his approval, he can treat you any way he pleases.
You say he's not always like that. He should never be like that! Not if he loves and respects you. Unless you're just another income that relieves him of the necessity to get another job.
You're too busy cowering from your husband's ire. "He might get mad?" Does he hit you?
What if you said no, and stuck to it? Perhaps you are just an extra income to this man; and the means to citizenship that he otherwise wouldn't have. Then more reason to be sure you both treat each other with equal value.
You're his cash-cow. You only get along as long as the ATM is open and the cash keeps flowing.
The simplest and only remedy to all this is the two-letter word "no." Stop sending his family money. If you're afraid of him, then you're in a sad marriage; and you're his prisoner. The bread-winner supporting his dependent family.
What goes to his family is taken from your kids. Bet you couldn't afford another child if you wanted one! Oh, you couldn't afford two kids? You have dependent in-laws to support?
So his silence bothers you more than draining the money from your account, which you need for your own son?
Poor child! His mother is afraid of his father. Now he is likely to learn to treat his wife the same way. He will think this is how women should be treated. Why not? Neither of you will teach him otherwise.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 November 2018):
 When our family friend met a woman on his holiday to Thailand and married her a year or so later, he knew it’s their culture for the spouse to send money to their family back in Thailand, as well as often buy land for their family to build on.How long did you know him before marrying? Was he already living in the US? How long did you know him before getting pregnant? Does he have a job? Do you have joint finances? (If he has access to your earnings, CUT HIM OFF!)I’m sorry, but he’s tied you down with marriage and the baby, knowing you’ll be paying for him and his family. Now YOU have to put your child first and say: NO MORE. Speak to a financial advisor WITHOUT your money-grabbing husband. Either work out how to divorce him without losing a lot of money or work out how to keep him away from your money. Do it with a financial advisor’s help, though.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2018):
 Since my guess is that you wouldn't leave him and divorce him... You need to sit him down and make a budget. SHOW him exactly HOW much you feel you can afford to send to his family. IF ANY. But THAT might not do a single thing to change his mind and then what? Just keep letting him USE you?
You CHOSE to marry this man, have a child with him and now you have to DECIDE if you can actually AFFORD being married to him and still take care of you and your child.
Can I ask where he is from?
And how you met?
If he is living in the US, is he working? If not, why not?
He isn't GOING to put and your son first. Because his primary goal is to show off for his family with his "new-found wealthy wife and life in the US". HIS family is HIS priority. His family back home, not you and his son here.
He calls you names and gives you the silent treatment when you do no comply with his demands. HOW is that a GOOD MAN?
He takes money AWAY from you and his son, money that could be saved up for a college-fund, a house, emergencies, medical etc. SO HE can play big man at in his home country. HOW is that a GOOD MAN?
I think you have to wake up and realize that he isn't with you out of love. Because THAT isn't love. THAT is taking you for a mug and USING you as his personal ATM for his family back him.
Is this really how you see your life from now on?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 November 2018):
 You do realize that the "real man" and the "face" are the other way round to how you choose to see them, don't you? By that I mean that the "real" man is the one who gets angry if you do not obey his word, who disrespects you and uses you as a meal ticket for his family back home. The "face" is the nice loving man he pretends to be to keep you hooked.
Nothing is going to change until YOU make it change. Why is HE not working? If he is, why is he taking money from you which YOU have earned? Wake up and acknowledge how he is using you, and realize you and your son deserve better.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 November 2018):
 Hes using you to finance his family.
Why isn’t HE paying? It’s HIS family.
Who cares if he gives you the silent treatment? Let him do it for the rest of his eternity and dump his scrounging ass. Does it sound like he respects you? He talks to you like crap and rinses your finances and all he has to do is occasionally sweet talk you. Sounds like a good deal for him.
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