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female
,
anonymous
writes: we have been married for 3 years,my husband is no longer interested in having sex with me but i have found that he has been looking at pornography on quite a few occasions,he has admitted that he searches the net for particular actresses and then masturbates while imagining having sex with these women.i feel so betrayed and devastated by this,what should i do?
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (12 July 2006):
 If he was doing this alongside a healthy sex life then I would probably tell you not to worry. But as he seems to have traded in a *normal* and healthy sex life for a visual non-threatening one I would say he has some serious issues you both need to address.
One thing I would tell you is THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is to do with him. Maybe he has become to lazy to bother with you anymore. But I do think in this situation he needs a right royal boot up the backside and you will have to be firm with him. Tell him you wnat your sex life back on track and you will not tolerate being sidelined for a celluliod girlie. If he will not talk (TALK - NOT ARGUE) to you about it see if he will attend relationship counselling with you.
I would go for help and try to salvage this relationship first.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 June 2006):
 First of all, know that you are not alone. This problem comes up often here, many other women are suffering like you are. So don't think that you are somehow being unreasonable or strange or 'different'. You are not.
You have several things you need to do:
1. First of all understand that men do not generally see (at least initially) porn as a bad thing. Many men can totally dissociate emotion from sex, and tend to do this with porn. Most men will describe looking at porn more like scratching an itch than having sex. It sounds like he doesn't realize the effect this is having on you, but you need to realize that its quite ordinary for men to behave like this, at least until they do understand. He's probably not trying to be mean, he just doesn't realize the consequences of his actions.
2. You need to make him understand how it makes you feel. Just sit him down and tell him. Do it when he's in a good mood. The main things to focus on are describing how YOU feel. Do not criticise his behaviour or blame him, it will make him defensive. If you stick to just describing how you feel in a non-accusitory way then he should be much more receptive. Don't say "you looking at porn is disrespectful to me" but rather "I feel unnatractive, insecure and like you don't want to be with me when I know you are looking at porn".
3. Then you need to ask him to stop. It's not about whether he thinks porn is ok or not. It's about you. If he loves you, and wants to remain married to you (happily), and wants to show that he cares about you, he needs to stop. For you. It's a compromise. He will feel he is giving something up. And in a way he is. But he needs to be willing to do this.
If you have really made your feelings clear to him then he should want to do this, because how 'good' porn makes him is nothing compared to how bad it makes you feel. He'll probably feel that this is a bit extreme, 'Whats the big deal?' and so on. But if you can find ways to communicate clearly to him how you feel about it, he'll see that it is a big deal.
If this doesn't work you have another route. A lot of more 'scientific' and 'logical' information is available on the damage that porn does to relationships. Often men do not like to act for emotional reasons (social programming), and are much more comfortable acting on logic. What you can do is give him some material for him to read that will rationally and logically explain to him why the porn is damaging your relationship. There are some good books (check out Pornified by Pamela Paul, or similar) and some good web sites too. For me, the article that started the change within me that made me remove porn from my life was this one:
http://nymetro.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/
You can also read what I (and other Aunts here) wrote in response to a man who posted here who couldn't understand why his wife was so upset about his porn use:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-is-so-upset-about-the-porn.html
Good luck. Just remember that you are not wrong here. The fact that porn is bordering on socially acceptable these days does not take anything away from the fact that it is capable of causing a lot of damage to relationships (and especially to children's conception of sexual norms).
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