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female
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anonymous
writes: My hubby seems to be miserable at the moment (not sure if he is depressed).I don't what to do, or how to help him anymore. He's very good round the house and helps with tidying etc because he did all this when he lived on his own before met me. I had said to about doing something this weekend with our children and taking them out because I didn't want to be stuck at home with them all weekend. His response was well as long as the house was tidy we could go out. Thats fine I work part time so I would do my best. He then announced in the middle of the week when he knew it was going to be hot weather that he needed to spend at least Saturday on tidying up and mowing in our small garden. So he has been doing that today plus at least five loads of washing which is very good of him. I asked him if it would free him up for going out with the children tomorrow and he said well as long as everything has been done then yes we can go out.On top of this he has a job that he finds totally boring, his boss isn't fussed on him, he doesn't get recognised for the extra things he does in the office yet other people do. He also does union rep work which he thoroughly enjoys and gets him out of the office. The reason why I say about this part is that I have said to him about finding another job if he is fed up of where he is. He has applied for jobs about six in outside of the company and about 4 or 5 in the company and he either gets an interview and doesn't get it or doesn't get an interview at all. I recently persuaded him to go for a seconded union rep job which two other people said he would be great at so he did - and didn't get the job. So he has become despondent. He turned round on the day of the interview and said I won't get it so I said don't go for it then. He has become very negative and as a neighbour of mine said its a self fullfilling prophecy the way he talks. Be negative and therefore everything will be negative. He says how can he be positive when nothing good ever happens for him.So what do I do because when I have got three children to deal with and a husband that is slowly turning into a big sulky child I don't how much longer I can put up with it. I am sorry to sound selfish but this has been going on for a good few years. He moans that he is tired when he gets in from work, which I understand he is tired as he travel 100 mile round trip everyday, so he doesn't really want to play with the children and yet on weekends he wants to tidy the garden and do the washing which means he still doesn't get much time with the children.So do I just take the children off his hands completely at weekends and become a 'single mum' and go off and do things so that he can chill out and do whatever he needs to do to become stress free. He won't move house to nearer where he works. I want to help him but I don't know how anymore.He has been to the doctor before who has said they would sign him off if he was depressed and he said that he wasn't depressed just stressed out. The doctor asked him if he could change his lifestyle but he said there is nothing he can do to change it.I want a happy husband, one that isn't constantly thinking about the house being tidy all the time and needing to do the garden all the time and washing being up to date. As someone said the housework will still be there when the children have grown up and gone - have time with your children now.I am sorry if I am sound really ungrateful and selfish over this but I want a happy husband and not a negative miserable one.Can someone give me some good advice, if they have been in a situation like me.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 I would definitely have him go to the doctor and this time ask the doctor to prescribe an anti-depressant for your husband. It takes awhile for it to get into the system and if he is truly suffering from depression it will be almost a miracle how much better he feels about things. If they don't help him then there's no harm done and he can seek another source for his problems. It has to be investigated, nobody deserves to be miserable. My husband takes Prozac and he had spectacular results. Good luck.
A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 I have been through depression in a marriage and it can distroy everything, and it very nearly did for me the only thing that saved us was me forcing my husband to go to the doctors, going with him and making him explain to the doctor how he felt.
The doctor diagnosed him with depression and prescribed him anti depressants and as soon as they kicked in, he started to realise that it was the depression that was making him feel the way he did.
He felt like a failure, he thought he had let his family down because he had started his own business and it was not supporting us financially.
He is not living at home at the moment but we are back together and we are selling up everything and moving away to start again.
He needs to realise that there is something wrong with him if you stand any chance of getting this sorted out.
I wish you all the best.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): I haven't been in that situation. But have you ever asked him to go to marriage counseling? Or there is even family counseling. This may help him to realize he needs to spend more time with the kids. Or is there any way you can get time to do the housework, so he'll feel like he has time to do other things on weekends? I don't know your kid's ages, but can they help with the housework too? If none of these suggestions work, you might want to consider just doing your own thing on the weekends with the kids. I cant imagine you wanting to be around him if all he is doing is sulking anyways. Maybe he could attend a self help seminar, to gain some confidence. That is probably why he hasn't gotten any job offers b/c he lacks confidence & he is negative. He needs to snap out of that but I know it is hard when you get rejected from jobs, I have been there too. He needs to just keep trying, there is a lot of competition out there. If he hates his job so bad what is that harm in trying for a different one even if he doesn't get it?
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