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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband spends all his time either at work (self employed, part time) or playing casino games on the pc or out with his friends. When I ask him to do something with me he moans and replies he doesn't enjoy doing that (like going to a movie) or that he thought I was busy.He moans that it takes money to do things with me and the kids, yet smokes 25 a day and drinks 30 pints a week. Does anyone have ideas how I can encourage him to be more of a husband and dad? Our kids are 5 and 8 .
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): You are not blind, you are all too painfully aware. But you are emotionally weakened by him. Your bf does not have the empathy or compassion to be a committed partner and father. It takes a man with great pride in himself, self-respect and the heart/commitment to weather the efforts needed to keeping his relationship happy and ensuring his kids looked after. He is your partner...this should be an equally balanced effort where the two of you mutually share the responsibilities of parenting, running the home and very importantly, bringing income into the home. In effect...you need to be a team but he's too busy with his own agendas one being..possibly having fun with other females. Your children also need a strong, steady role male model..a man with self respect who sets a good solid example to his kids and builds unity with you. He doesn't appear to care, about you and although I am sure he may love the kids...he is not really showing any movement, because his needs come first. In other words, he's too inclined to do what he darn well pleases without forethought to his family. He can change and mature into a 'grownup' if he wants to. Right now he is not inclined that way and has chosen a different path. If you want to save this and feel he might change, you need to be really, really strong and set a huge boundary. Either he cleans up his act or he loses his family. Tell him, you are calling a marriage counselor and see if you can get him and yourself into some serious therapy or your marriage will eventually self destruct. If he won't do that, then there is your answer. He is not committed to changing and you have a 'big dud' for a partner. I am sorry..it must be hard for you and the kids. But remember, if you are the only one working, then you have empowered your life-keep your job/career intact, be strong for the kids and never allow anyone to take you down like this...my heart is with you
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): Your husband does not have the empathy or compassion to be a committed husband and father. There are many men like this. Children and family require lots of work, and, as you know, are inconvenient, upsetting, frustrating, unpleasant and at times, difficult. It takes a person with a heart and commitment to weather this. Your children deserve better than to be ignored or casually treated in the intimacy of their own home.He is your husband and partner...this should be an equally balanced effort where the two of you share the responsibilities of parenting. In effect...you need to be a team. You children also need a strong, steady role model. He can change and mature into a 'grownup' if he wants to. Right now he is not inclined that way and has chosen a different path. I would call a marriage counselor and see if you can get him and yourself into some serious therapy or your marriage will self destruct. Do it today.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (12 July 2006):
 Tell him that a picnic or a walk in the park is not expensive, and that if he wants to be respected by his children as they grow up he must be there as a role model for them. This time whilst the children are young is too precious to waste and he is being really selfish to just attend to his own wants and needs. What if you were to play him at his own game, dumping the kids on him whilst you went shoe shopping all the time - I bet he would have something to say about that!!! First of all, ask him if he wants you and the children in his life - give him a wake-up call.. If he says 'yes' then try agreeing a regular 'date' with him whereby he must commit some time to you and the children, which he can't back out on; maybe once a month, or whatever you can agree on. That is not too much to ask, surely? Maybe you can offer him a few incentives of your own, which can be witheld if he reneighs on his part of the agreement!! Good luck - I would be interested to know how you get on..
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