A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is no longer interested in having sex... I am 27 years of age, he is 33. We are both (physically) in fantastic athletic shape and have no kids. We have been married for almost 6 years now, and we are both working in the same industry (computer engineering) living an upper middle class life. I absolutely enjoy sharing intimate moments with him, but every night he falls asleep before I even get a chance. He never initiates sex, I have to do that part. And when I finally "catch him" without any excuses, he doesn't seem to enjoy the act, he hurries to finish in less than 10 minutes! I am so frustrated and feel insecure. I went to the OBGYN to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with me... that checked out ok. I have asked my husband numerous times if he was no longer attracted to me, or if he was in love with someone else... his answer was: "of course I love you, I am not into anybody else..."Please please please, I need your help and advice. I can't take this anymore!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): I feel your pain. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for almost 9. I thought our 7 year itch was behind us and we were getting back on the right track. It's always so hard to tell someone else what to do in this case. I obviously don't have answers for you glad to hear that I am not alone. I want to wish you the best of luck and hope the advice that others have given you works. I am also reading their adice and trying it myself. I too love my husband so very much and want to help him through whatever it is.
A
female
reader, littlegirllost +, writes (30 October 2008):
I am in the same boat. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now. I practically walk around the house half clothed trying to strike a cord in him. I've asked him if its me, stress, him, gay? I get no as an answer. and "its not me its him. " I would hate to end a good relationship with him over this but to me it is more than lack of sex. it is the closeness we no longer share.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Tell him that you want to experiment outside of the marriage and see how quickly he gets his kit off - you are too available to him. Even in a marriage you need to make it clear that if he doesn't want you, there are others who might. Get that fabulous figure out there, not clubbing and behaving trashy, but just out with your friends, away from him for a few nights a week and see how he perks up. Start talking about a male friend at work with a twinkle in your eye - in short, play the game. Men do not often mature past the age of 14, when they always want the what their best mate has. Make him work a little
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): Hi there, My heart goes out to you as I have gone through something similar. My now ex-boyfriend and I of 8 years (I'm 28, he's 34) had almost no sex at the end of our relationship. I was always the one to initiate sex and had an unbridled libido. In the first years of our relationship he was just as ready to go as I was, but we had alot of stressors in our relationship (his father dying, moving to another country) and sex seemed to take a back seat for him. This was extremely frustrating for me and I would try repeatedly try and get him to want me, but to no avail. sex became a majore issue for us as I was constantly feeling rejected and my ex felt the pressure to perform. Sex became a chore for him and I had to settle for meager handouts when I had pouted too long. I recently spoke to him about and he said that the constant discussions about sex and the pressure to have it, completely reduced his desire to nothing. Sex was not, to be clear, the reason for our breakup however. It's a delicate issue to talk about, egos are on the line for both parties, but its important to talk about it and to do so in a non-confrontational or attacking way. Give him the room and space to process what you tell him. I'm sure he want s to have sex as much as you, but can't get over the pressure hurdle. A weekend away together may help you guys reconnect. Goodluck with everything and as hard as it is, try and remember problems in the bedroom rarely have to do with sex, so its not likely that he's no longer attracted to you. Keep your chin up!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Thank you guys, all of you, I will take your advice to heart and talk to him nicely but firmly... I really care about him, even if he is gay or no longer interested.
~x
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A
female
reader, Honor  +, writes (18 February 2008):
This doesnt mean that your husband doesnt love you or that there is someone else. People at times have different sex drives; and of course there could be influences around that determines ones sex drive eg stress, depression etc.I think you need to examine your relationship. Was sex always a bit of an issue or was it rampant in the beginning? If it is the first one then it is perhaps that he doesnt have that much of a sex drive and the longer you have been together perhaps it has allowed him to be a little more "lazy" in exerting his already low sex drive.If in the beginning you were all over each other all the time then try examining when you noticed the lack of interest. Perhaps there was something around this time be it work, stress etc that contributed.Either way you need to discuss it with him freely. Also I think men do not like to be asked or told to have sex - it could seem like a chore. Perhaps try discussing what you both like and what turns you on sexually then work from there to see if you can spicen things up.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (17 February 2008):
 I think your husband may be working too hard. Why don't you both take a break from work and go off on a nice romantic weekend together. Not only will it give you a chance to get close again physically but you would have the time to spend quality time together and really TALK to one another about any problems that are on your minds (although you might need to initiate this.) Go for a long walk together when on that weekend away and start up a conversation with him.
It could be any of the following reasons: 1. Stress, 2. Erectile problems, 3. Exhaustion, 4. He doesn't fancy you any more (something could be putting him off), 5. He has his eye on someone else, 6. He could be gay (longshot but still a possibility).
It's up to YOU to talk to him in a gentle, loving but assertive way to find out! Email me if you want more help with this okay?
~Eve~
Next time you initiate love making, try something different!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Double M has done a nice job answering the question...
do you have any worries that he might be gay?
just an awful thought, but if you're both young and healthy and in good shape is there there else going on?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (17 February 2008):
 That is too short a marriage time for a youthful couple to have this problem, unless there is some medical, mental (prolonged depression?), psychological, relationship, sexual orientation, financial or confidence difficulty involved. Medical is the initial indication, as "Tisha-1" suspects, and "pyan" rightly notes that erectile dysfunction (ED) could be suspected. But you "catch him without excuses" at least occasionally, and he apparently becomes erect for about 10 minutes or you would note a problem there. Also, "pyan" asks if sex was ever really that great with you two.
Certainly, such a problem may arise after a couple has been married (or together) for 15, 20 or more years, but rarely in six years unless something is amiss, in my opinion. Are there any other indications at all, such as your husband spending much time away from home or working late, etc? If you have not, you may want to begin checking some things and closely watching for peculiar activities or behavior. Medical first, if he will, and then some professional counseling might be in order.
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A
male
reader, pyan  +, writes (17 February 2008):
Hi
Your sex life is important to a healthy relationship. several thing you need to do. first it could be work related no time to switch off. have you had a holiday etc.
secondly men go through stages in their life when they cannot get hard and try and hide it (that happend to me)
if this is the case talk to him about it it will help and get hime see a doctor
before this happend what was your sex life like good bad etc.
message if i can help i have several ideas to put a spark in your life
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2008):
 I hope we can be of help, this sounds very frustrating and sad for you.
You had yourself checked out, has he been to the doctor recently too? Maybe there's a problem he's having that he's trying to avoid dealing with, and is too afraid to bring it up to you... just pure speculation on my part here.
Again, just a guess, but he knows now that you're not happy with the current situation, and it's maybe a bit of a vicious cycle happening now. He for whatever reason doesn't want to have sex but also knows that you're hoping for it and the same scene plays out again and again. Falling asleep early is either a sign that he's physically exhausted or a means of avoiding dealing with the situation--and this could be conscious or sub-conscious.
Things probably won't get better on their own. You're going to have to have a difficult talk with him. Try to be loving and supportive as I'm sure you have been...
All the best.
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