| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: If your husband does not want to have sex with you for more than a year, will you divorce him or ?or stay with him , for the rest of your life?I really don't know what to do...I tried almost everything medical ,no problems, sex therapy ,spice up, taking vacation, talking about it... But no help.. Well,I really wanted this marriage be for ever,but what if I cant . I m so frustrated, because i dont;t know why did he gone off sex. \nobody seem to know it. Maybe he does ,but wont say it... Should I stop trying? Should I move out? I cant try an other ''sexy'' thing with him anymore ,because its humiliating with no reaction. I/m really panicked...Am I losing my husband? What is the best thing to do, Please help .
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male
reader, Sunrunner  +, writes (5 February 2010):
I'd look to his childhood. If it's not a medical problem it is a psychological one, perhaps a problem having to do with an uneasiness with intense intimacy. Children who suffer from many kinds of mental, physical or sexual abuse as children will grow up with intimacy disorders. And this trauma doesn't have to be dramatic. being the child of an alcoholic parent will do it. Even simply being a sensitive child with low self esteem struggling through grade school can have a damaging effect on a person's ability to relate with others on an intimate level. Some clues to this can be seen in adulthood. Often these men are loners with few friends. they prefer being alone or with their immediate family. They often work at jobs where they don't have to interact with large numbers of people. They can feel uneasy in crowds or with strangers. They often have a history of failed relationships. They marry thinking they can change. And when the marriage is new they often show no signs of these problems. But there is a tipping point where they suddenly feel uncomfortable with marital sex. Could be a fews months or a few years into the marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Dear anonymous!!
Thanks for your answer! The situation is ,that this is my last resource, to write here,and ask people if they have some experience like that. It is because my husband had 25 different doctors visist ,about this issue, and they did not find out what is his problem. None medical cause was found ,not in hormones, not anywhere else. He did see psychologist, but they were a bit confused with him.. I think it s , because, he is very closed, and as you said, talking about it, will not work. If it is in his subconscious, I dont think I have a chance to get in there...That is why I don't know what to do...You seemed knowledgeable about this issue, if you have any more ideas ,please share... I don't even try to talk about this anymore, because its a dead end. He says ,he loves me,and never gonna leave. But it is weak thing without real foundation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): As a husband in a long term sexless marriage I can tell you simply talking to him probably won't do much. Men who have to sexual desire for their wives would rather drink bleach than talk about it. You have to do some digging on your own to find a few things out first. What you find out will guide you through the various options you will have in dealing with this. First you need to find out whether he has lost desire for all kinds of sex of just sex with you. If he has lost all desire that usually points to fairly serious psychological problems or simply low testosterone levels. If he is still masturbating then you know he still has sexual desire. If he masturbates a lot, using porn that may be the problem right there. A preference for porn and masturbation is very common these days for married men in long term relationships. You need to fond out if he is suffering from depression or anxiety. And keep in mind that some kinds of sexual anxiety can be subconscious and are usually connected to intimacy disorders which in turn are often linked to childhood trauma or bad parenting. Also check what medications he is taking. Many antidepressants and heart drugs can kill libido. Is he suffering any physical problems. Diabetes especially can kill the nerves to the penis and restrict blood flow causing ED. If he has had any kind of sexual dysfunction with you, even once both the dysfunction and the sexual anxiety it causes can kill desire. And lastly many married men get sexually bored after years of having sex with the same person. They are also highly visual and if they are not being turned on visually it is hard for them to have desire. Often, if a woman has low desire she can still perform sexually. A man cannot. Once you know the cause then you will no better what action to take. Getting people here to guess is not the way to go and won't help you much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): DEAR CUBBET!!!!I think you know how I feel.And it was great! Thank you for sharing. I think it is so sad,what you were saying. But ,yet you are a great person,that you can handle this with grace! I want to share an other story with you. I had a good friend,and I saw her going trough the same thing with her husband.. She was a ten year head of me..So she was really unhappy and she was loyal. The man was a good father and great provider, but no romance, sex, or joy.. She put up with it for the kids. The husband was working all the time, no house work ,fun ,nothing.. So they lived like that for an other 10 years,and than when they were 50 something, the guy left her ,for a a 30 years old woman..She almost killed herself from pain,and regret. The husband was giving everything to her,what she never got from him. That story made me sick for years,and made me strongly think this over and over again that why this thing happened,and why she didn't get out before this happened? Was it coming ,and she didn't see it?. And slowly I/m getting into the same thing now,and I feel I must stop it somewhere. I guess,it is ''wishful thinking''.we think if we gonna be nice ,nothing really bad can happen,but it is not the case. Many of my friends are saying , have some self respect.. But it is hard ,if your husband isn't really a monster, just not as much into you.. How do you deal with your frustration? Do you have any fear ,that he might leave one day,if you dont?It would be nice ,if you would answer,maybe we can share more.. Take care
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A
female
reader, cubbet +, writes (16 January 2010):
I just realized that when I posted yesterday that I forgot some "important" information as to why I feel the way I do . I have been living this way for more than 3 years!! I guess maybe that is the reason I am saying get out and find "total" happiness before it is too late!! Do not get me wrong. We still do not fight or anything but more and more I feel like I am living my life alone-not sharing it with a life partner. I asked him once a couple of years ago about all this and his response was that he made a promise to God(marriage vows).I just wonder what happened to the promises he made to me. The funny part is he has not been in a church since the day we were married!! Good excuse,huh? God help me but he and my kids have been my whole life. I can not even imagine it without him. I still love him but I have to accept he is now(and has been for at least 10 years)married to work and televison-not me.SAD!!!! That is why I say RUN while you still have a chance at HAPPINESS= this is the only life you get-make it the BEST and HAPPIEST you can!! Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, cubbet +, writes (15 January 2010):
No talk. no action, no emotion, apparently he does not miss it as you do. You must decide what kind of life you want. If you are like most females our age I do not think you are or were prepared to be in a sexless, emotionless relationship for the rest of your life. I am living this nightmare and would not wish it on anyone!! First it is the physical relationship -then there is no emotional connection. Next you will end up on the couch(like I have) because I refuse to share a bed with a man that is not "In Love" with me. We are now basically housemates. A sad sad way for a couple that married as teens and have been married for thirty years to end up. I now ask myself daily if I can even remember what true happiness felt like. The saddest part is that I think my husband could really care less. He has his work, politics and his TV. That is all he cares about!! I dedicated my life to him and our children so I have no "career" to fall back on and he knows it. Hes got me right where he wants me-Cooking and Cleaning!! He says I love you but I think they are just-3 words- that a "good" husband is suppose to say and that is suppose to make everything all better!! I know ALL his actions and the looks I get say otherwise!!
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A
male
reader, AustralianSage  +, writes (15 January 2010):
My advice: do not leave your husband because he has lost interest in sex at this point in time. You need to continue talking to him and be patient. You were 'sexual' with him once, and can be so again. Give it time. You love him still, so why throw away a good loving relationship because of momentary sexual incompatibility? He is your life partner, and you probably know that despite your current frustrations. Your love for him now is being tested, so it's up to you to pass the test.Now for the controversy...You are a human being with basic physical needs. Satiate those needs with someone else. The trick is to recognise you are not looking for an emotional relationship that threatens the partnership with your husband. You already have a life partner, right? If you think you can control your emotions, find a lover. Satisfy yourself sexually with him when you feel it's needed. Keep it physical and only physical. I know of people who manage this and it saves their marriage. They find time to indulge sexually with a lover, and keep it only physical. My advice to them continually is never to invest emotions in their lover (outside of the physical emotion of course), and still nurture their life partner. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ShadowGoddess231 +, writes (15 January 2010):
 Try going around the place naked. Talk to him to see what is going on in his brain, and talk to him while being naked. So in thus be naked and talk! I hope this helps you out!
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (15 January 2010):
 You can try other sexy thing with him, with clear agreement that he will at least mentally co-operate. But What and How you will do other sexy thing? is the question, and I am suggesting this search term, which you will give to Google search engine....you will be responded with lot of web pages that will guide your ideas and action also.
It is this: take TANTRA a basic terms, and and these words with basic one...tantric sexuality, tantric touch, tantric oral sex, etc etc...you will be learned in Philosophy of wisdom, which will guide all department of life, eg.mind body and emotion, and other intellectual areas also.
best luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): I believe this always comes back to the relationship.Simply you both just arnt connecting anymore, i mean what do you both actually do together?, besides cook and clean. Do you share a common interest? I think you are growing apart and need to get your relationship back on track. This is just the final slow decline until you divorce or kill him.Do you remember when you marridge started? Ill bet you had so many plans of how your life together would be. You eed to get back to that way of thinking. So start doing things together and start having fun with him.Ill bet in a short time you;ll be telling him you have a headache again lol.All the best
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (15 January 2010):
 I left him ...lol. I did try talking to him, I did explain the damage it was causing, and I did get an answer out of him eventually - but the answer stung and only iced my resolve that there was nothing to work on if that was his piss poor attitude.Apparently at 5ft 4 and 130lb I am simply just 'too fat to fuck'. (His words - but ha, tell that to the hotty I now shag most days of the week who is very vocal in loving my body ..lol) Rather charming after 18 years and a slight weight gain following giving birth to the son he adores. Pardon me for not being a stick insect.Yeah I could have lost weight, but as a matter of principle like hell I was gunna eat like a rabbit to be skin and bones for a very occassional romp (as it had become after so many years) whilst he stuffed his shallow super metabolized body with whole tubs of ice cream in one sitting - coz he can. So be careful if you push for an answer, you might not like the one you get, and it might be the deal breaker.
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A
male
reader, pyan +, writes (15 January 2010):
hi
have you asked the direct question why. has he got somone else. have you always been the person who wants it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): It might be that hes just not sexually attracted to you any more but he likes the other comforts marriage brings. Talk to him and be blunt. A year is a long time to go without sex. If hes not interested or willing to change, then you have to decide if you are prepared to go without sex for the rest of your married life. If you arent and he wont change then separation might focus his thoughts on what hes doing to the marriage.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 January 2010):
I think more than anything you need to talk to him and tell him the lack of sex in your relationship is now affecting it. It could be that he's depressed, or just stressed. But you need to talk to him and tell him bluntly how you feel.
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