A
female
age
,
*rookmeade
writes:my husband told me he had a one night stand with a woman years ago. i found out he had a long term relationship with this woman. my husband can't understand why this still bothers me. he told me to get over it. i try but his actions today remind me of his past behavior. he's rude no patience and selfish. i suffered a breakdown because of him. i know i need counceling but because of his position in the church and our income we can't afford it. i'm a christian but I really want out. i just fill stuck. all of our children are grown.
View related questions:
a break, christian, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): My wife had an affair 10 years ago, I found out nearly a year ago, and she never told me to "get over it" because she never did either (realizing how wrong what she did was she has had deep rooted regret and remorse since).
It takes a long time to work through the trauma of having been betrayed, even if you just find out about it.
Being told to "get over it" is just plain mean.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2010):
 You're feeling stuck because you are allowing him to dictate your actions and he's trying to dictate your feelings as well. That is setting you up for this horrible tension you feel. "Bottle it up and don't tell anyone" is NOT the way you get past this thing.
So what if he's the president of the moral values committee at the church. He's a hypocrit for breaking the commandments he's supposed to be following and expecting you to do all the forgiving. Seems like a one-way street to me. He also has proven to be a liar. Just because he's a church-goer doesn't mean he gets off the hook for his adultery and continuing hurtful behavior.
I agree with the poster who suggested you see a non-church based counselor, find a way to pay for it somehow, just even ONE session. Make an appointment and get yourself (and him) in there.
If you live a lie, the cognitive dissonance will eventually cause you to crumble, you've had a breakdown once, don't let yourself be squashed again. Speak up, speak out and get yourself the help you know you need.
Your husband needs a massive dose of humility and is expecting you to take it for him. Stop doing that. Let him take his own medicine, suffer the consequences of his own actions, even if that means his mother finds out he's a cheater. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Hmmm, I have to think back to Sunday school. I thought there was a commandment that says, "Thou shall not commit adultery." Perhaps I'm mistaken. It has been a while.
Him saying "get over it" doesn't address anything. It's bullshit. It's dismissive of your feelings and a way he can avoid dealing with the damage he's done. If he was truely sorry, he would listen to you and repent for his sins. He would be bending over backward to do whatever it takes for you to trust him again.
He's just a coward hiding behind excuses. You don't need to accept those excuses. True forgiveness for something like this can only come after time and effort from both individuals to understand both why it happened and what needs to be done to rectify it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): My husband also had an affair 5 years ago and I can tell you that he never told me to "get over it". That is just wrong.
I understand all the feelings that are racing through your head on a daily basis and they ARE normal! You need to pick up a copy of "After the Affair". I forget who wrote it but it really helped me.
I am still married to my husband 5 years later and we can actually talk about his affair openly. It still pisses me off but when you understand that it had nothing to do with you it won't hurt you so much.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 December 2010):
 I understand what he did hurts, but you need to understand that what he did was an act, and that what's been going on with you is not because of what he did, but because you are holding onto this act, and the pain it is causing you. Is that any way to live? You are self destructing because of how you perceive his actions. Often, it'll end up doing more harm than the initial shock, fear and hurt that his actions caused.
We know the phrase "forgiveness is divine". This holds so much truth, I can't emphasize its importance enough. It's understandable that it's not always easy, but it is essential for you to move forward, without the pain his actions have caused you. I won't say whether you should stay with him or if you should separate. Whatever you decision may be, I want you to do it without holding onto the pain his actions have caused.
In order to forgive, I want you to ask him to just sit and listen to you so you can tell him how his actions have affected you. You need this opportunity to release the pressure of this cause. When you're done, it's important that you forgive him with all your being, so this past no longer haunts you. Forgive him because you choose to. Because you want to no longer hurt. It is your choice to do that. Forgiving, loving, happiness and joy, and choosing to hold on to and live in those is something he can never take away from you. Then you can decide if you will be leaving or staying with him. But either way you can live without holding onto to his cheating.
I hope this helps. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): what does "his position in the church" have anything to do with why you can't get counseling??You can go to a non-religious based counselor.However while men who cheat on their wives are scum in general, I think it's even worse when they claim to be moral authorities at the same time (your reference to his position in the church). This is blatant hypocrisy which is on top of being a scum for cheating. has he no shame??why not go to the church and inform them of his infidelity? You do not have to take his emotional abuse.
...............................
|
