A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 28 years, no children, my husband didn't make love to me and this went on for 5 months with him insisting there is nothing wrong and nobody else, he did still cuddle and be affectionate though. He did go to the doc's for a blood test and everything came back ok. Our lack of sex upset me so much, I went out and bought some adult movies, this helped and we had sex a few times with the movies on, he seemed to not notice what I wanted as he was too busy watching the movie. I have explained to him I am still upset that it seems I cannot turn him on,it is the films doing that, I noticed him looking at females more when we're out. I keep myself slim and attractive, it has come to the point where we have had so many rows about sex, and he still says he hasn't got anybody else or done anything wrong, that now he isn't even cuddling me. He knows I cannot sleep, am not eating properly which he shows concern about and then says what is the mattter, is it work worrying you.I suggested going to a counsellor and he point blank refused, he doesn't open up not even with me, he has said I am really getting on his nerves about it, and all that is wrong is we have got older, we are only 46 and 47, I think too young to not be bothered with sex. He doesn't understand how he is hurting me so much, he says he loves me and he knows I truly love him, I am going to see a counsellor on my own, please help, I don't want to end my marriage, I want him to realise what he is doing to it. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (29 May 2007):
Dear Lack of sex. None of us men lose the desire for sex, unless there is something physically wrong or emotionally wrong with us. In your husband's Case I would suspect that His problem is both of the above.In your marital relationship has He been able to get an erection and maintain that erection long enough to engage in Vaginal Intercourse? Only you can answer thAT question. However I'll let you in on a secret the most women don't know, but should. "NO MAN'S PENIS" will work all of the time when he engages in sex. But unlike a woman, who's vagina isn't total sum of her being. A man's penis is the man, and the man is his penis. And if it don't work, he is going to stick with our good, old standby, "Masturbation"' Bet he Jacks-off, which is perfectly healthy and normal, unless it leave the woman out of a needed sexual togetherness..But you see, there ARE no penile FailureS with his Masturbation just pleasing his wife's vagina. I have been there and even, now and then, at 80,years young it is not something that I feel great about Most of us men put too much stock in Vaginal-Penile Intercourse Where only one woman out of three can have an orgasm with this MANNER of thrusting, and without some form of hand-stimulation on her part, or his, she Won't have an orgasm. Here was the turning point in my love making. My Oral Penis can do a much better job of pleasing a woman's, lovely Passionflower, vagina. And it won't let me down either. And besides it a wonderful way of saying I LOVE YOU.But nothing will work if unless you both open up the channels of Communication beteen you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): Is your husband the shy type or not very confident? Of course he could be putting on an act for others but you would know. If he is, then maybe he feels pressured by you and his "duty" to be a man and please you. That could explain his response to porn as his mind is on some other topic and also would explain why he doesn't have sex with you even though you are attractive.One way to find out - tell him you'll give him a relaxing massage, make the room dark so that he's not self-conscious, then give him a slow erotic massage. Don't have sex or ask for anything in return, just tell him making him happy gives you pleasure. Do this a few times and look for a change in his attitude. If he seems to be enjoying it, then you could start with a massage and then when he's turned on, have sex with him. After some days he'll be addicted to the pleasure you give him, feel more confident and will come you himself.By the way, the "spontaneous sex" approach doesn't work with such men. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): is you husband straight?
i have my reasons, somtimes its never obvious. gay men can love women totally and even have sex and make love but never feel fufillment. i know from experience. (32m divorcee). i told her in the end she totally understanded and we are still great friends. it probably isn;t but i have met so many men like me. though childless too i will never come to terms with never being a father.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): Hi EVE, Thank you for your reply. I love that information you posted for the lady with issues, but i'll apply it to my life too =)
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (31 January 2007):
 I really sympathise with you, it is one thing to get a cuddle every now and again but we NEED to be made love to and reassured in our lives. It also bonds us together closer then any cuddle or hug. Watching porn is NOT the answer -
• After a while, many can not get aroused without it
• Almost all porn is created for a man’s mind – women do not enjoy many of the things you see the actresses pretending to like
• You will compare yourself and your spouse to what you have seen, which of course is unrealistic
• You will NEVER be able to get those images out of your mind
• Most porn is degrading to women and you will not realize you are degrading your wife
• You will naturally lust after the beautiful men and/or women you see depicted and will desire to be satisfied with someone like them
• You will have a very strong desire to recreate what you have seen even if it is harmful to your relationship
• You will begin to need harder and harder porn to get aroused
• It is almost certain you will be addicted if you aren’t already
• A very high percentage of those hooked on porn have multiple sex partners
• A very high percentage (some say 100%) of serial killers have confessed to be addicted to porn
• Those who are addicted to porn are reported to have the least satisfying sex lives
• If you use porn that means you are using other people to satisfy yourself sexually which is demoralizing to your spouse
• Many eventually become so involved with their porn that they are no longer intimate with their spouse.
You need to get the "spice" back into your marriage so I've given you a couple of links here to help you do that.
5 WAYS TO PUT THE SPARK BACK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/41885/5_easy_ways_to_put_the_spark_back_into.html&
10 WAYS TO CREATE A MORE EXCITING RELATIONSHIP
http://www.webraydian.com/content/view/167/32/
Also, try to talk to your husband in bed one night. Ask him outright what turns him on for example. Is there anything he'd like you to do to him... then listen! If he seems a bit reticent to talk then you tell him what you'd love him to do to you. Talking in this way can brings you closer together, it bonds you and it can be very arousing for both partners. Do something to him you've never ever done before, surprise him! What do you know he loves? Look good in the bedroom, buy some sexy lingerie, guys are very visual so wearing something sexy to bed might do the trick. Take the lead! A lot of guys think love making can be a chore, especially when they've been married for years, it's like "going through the motions" for them so YOU take the lead, take control and blow him away! Tell him you want him to lie there and YOU are going to be in charge! ;o) Use the element of surprise and I bet he loves it.
If you want any more help with this, don't hesitate to email me and we can talk some more okay? I'm sure your husband loves you very much, he just needs a "kick start" to get him going again and I can help you do that.
Read up on the links I gave you though and let me know how things go okay?
Eve
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (31 January 2007):
I really sympathise with you, it is one thing to get a cuddle every now and again but we NEED to be made love to and reassured in our lives. It also bonds us together closer then any cuddle or hug. Watching porn is NOT the answer -
• After a while, many can not get aroused without it
• Almost all porn is created for a man’s mind – women do not enjoy many of the things you see the actresses pretending to like
• You will compare yourself and your spouse to what you have seen, which of course is unrealistic
• You will NEVER be able to get those images out of your mind
• Most porn is degrading to women and you will not realize you are degrading your wife
• You will naturally lust after the beautiful men and/or women you see depicted and will desire to be satisfied with someone like them
• You will have a very strong desire to recreate what you have seen even if it is harmful to your relationship
• You will begin to need harder and harder porn to get aroused
• It is almost certain you will be addicted if you aren’t already
• A very high percentage of those hooked on porn have multiple sex partners
• A very high percentage (some say 100%) of serial killers have confessed to be addicted to porn
• Those who are addicted to porn are reported to have the least satisfying sex lives
• If you use porn that means you are using other people to satisfy yourself sexually which is demoralizing to your spouse
• Many eventually become so involved with their porn that they are no longer intimate with their spouse.
You need to get the "spice" back into your marriage so I've given you a couple of links here to help you do that.
5 WAYS TO PUT THE SPARK BACK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/41885/5_easy_ways_to_put_the_spark_back_into.html&
10 WAYS TO CREATE A MORE EXCITING RELATIONSHIP
http://www.webraydian.com/content/view/167/32/
Also, try to talk to your husband in bed one night. Ask him outright what turns him on for example. Is there anything he'd like you to do to him... then listen! If he seems a bit reticent to talk then you tell him what you'd love him to do to you. Talking in this way can brings you closer together, it bonds you and it can be very arousing for both partners. Do something to him you've never ever done before, surprise him! What do you know he loves? Look good in the bedroom, buy some sexy lingerie, guys are very visual so wearing something sexy to bed might do the trick. Take the lead! A lot of guys think love making can be a chore, especially when they've been married for years, it's like "going through the motions" for them so YOU take the lead, take control and blow him away! Tell him you want him to lie there and YOU are going to be in charge! ;o) Use the element of surprise and I bet he loves it.
If you want any more help with this, don't hesitate to email me and we can talk some more okay? I'm sure your husband loves you very much, he just needs a "kick start" to get him going again and I can help you do that.
Read up on the links I gave you though and let me know how things go okay?
Eve
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (31 January 2007):
 hi
i dont know if i can be married for 28yrs without a proper sexual intimacy. i really applaud your patience. you have really missed a lot in your marriage, i know someone might say it can work but only if u married for companionship and in your case you wanted the whole package and you are being deprived some items from it which is really unfair bcos u need that fulfilment.
i think there is something wrong with your man i mean men are known for their high libido regardless their age, my friend's father is married to 21yr old girl when he was 78yrs old and they have 3kids now he is about 87yrs old and still going strong atleast thats what the wife say and we believe her bcos their last born is hardly a yr old. so at your age you still need something going and heavy if u ask me.
how much do you know about his past before marrying him? any sexual abuse history? because there have to be a logical explanation in all this. try to convince him to go for counciling maybe it will unlock whatever the memories he has locked inside you have lived with him for 28yrs he should trust you enough to share with u whatever he went thru. if this is the case, i dont think he cant be turned on by u, most sexually abused victims can not be turned on by anything so the films did the trick because instead of feeling uneasy about the whole thing he was able to concentrate and nature was able to take its cause. i know you love him and everything but if he doesnt want to try therapy things might just move from better to worse because going to therapy on your wont really solve his problem, but atleast it will give a different perspective.
rship/marriage they are all about giving and he cant just take all you have and offer nothing in return, love alone is not enough you also need to feel appreciated as a woman. i gues all the constant arguments are coming from the talk u try to initiate and for 28yrs i think u have tried everything u can but dont give up just yet.
jovial
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A
male
reader, Dagwood +, writes (31 January 2007):
 Hi Anon. I can read that you're obviously going through a very hard patch. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and this seems true for you too. Sometimes men get bored with their partners for various reasons. It could be he's just not feeling that intimate or bored with what you guys do. It could also be that he's seeing someone else or has just plainly lost his libido. The sex movies seemed to work so why not try more of them and other erotic things like sexy underwear and toys. Also try giving him a relaxing massage with no sexual touching what so ever... do this a few times and see if it helps. Try searching some sites on the web; there's a mountain of info from professionals out there. If he really loves you he should be prepared to see a sex therapist with you. Maybe you should go on a holiday with some family or friends and make him miss you more. Give him some of his own treatment... I wish I had a magic cure but I'm afraid not. I just hope that it works out for you! Take care and don't despair. All the best.
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