A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now and he works full time and earns a 6 figure salary. I am a 24 year old full time college student working on my Masters in Education and am currently unemployed. In fact, I have only worked part-time jobs here and there while in college, and have attended a University continusously since graduating High School. He is 5 years older than me, but had full knowledge of me being in school and wanting to continue my education after being married. He agreed to this.Now, he constanty brings up that I do not contribute to this marriage and constantly compares me to his sister. I love his siter to death, but she is about 15 years older than me and is a freak of nature! (in a good way) At my age, she owned her first home, graduated from a prestigeous college, and also currently earns a six figure income. He puts me on this pedistal which I can not possibly reach. I'm not saying this to sell myself short, but not everyone my age is this successful. I'm just a normal girl working on her education and crossing my fingers that I land in a decent paying job in the future.Anyways, I will finish my schooling in a year and am currently, and have been in the past, having to deal with my husband always putting me down. He tells me that I don't contribute, money wise, to this marriage, and that my school is worthless. He tells me that I'm being lazy and I couldn't agree any less with that statement! He is constantly putting me down and I can't stand it anymore. It feels more like emotional abuse--if that's even possible.We are NOT struggling money wise at all, so I know he is not stressed with bills, but whatever is going on, it's breaking me down and I feel like I'm getting torn to peices. It hurts when he tells me this.In short, my problem is that my husband doesn't think of me as an equal and calls me attending college a waste of time and continually brings up that I do not contribute to this marriage. Is he right? He wasn't always like this, and this behavior leads me to question whether or not it is here to stay. Any thoughts on what is going on and what I should do about it?
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female
reader, Queen_Katie  +, writes (15 February 2011):
You say that this feels 'like emotional abuse'. I'm tempted to reply - 'that's because it IS emotional abuse!' Yes, such a thing does exist and it can have devastating effects on its victims.
Your husband should not be putting you down and diminishing your self-esteem in this way. You are not lazy; in fact in pursuing postgraduates study, you are doing something valuable with your time - improving not only your job prospects but also your mind. It is unfair of him to compare his financial position, or that of his sister, to yours. Nowadays, your 20s are a critical period of your development - and the career position of someone int heir 30s is completely different to that of someone just starting out at 21 or 25. Sure, some people are lucky and get breaks early: but they tend to be people who have lucked out by choosing the 'right' area to enter. It's much easier to be successful in corporate law by the time you are 30 than in theatre direction! Also, it has got MUCH harder for young people to get on in the last 20 years: there are fewer decent job opportunities, and more graduates chasing them.
Plus, he married YOU, not your bank balance. He knew that you were interested in pursuing your education, and presumably he also realized that this meant that you'd be taking out several years during which you would not be bringing in much money. He has no right to diminish your achievements in this way, or to put expectations of corporate success onto you.
I think the underlying problem here is twofold. Firstly, there is a conflict of values between you and your partner. It sounds like he is obsessed with status and money - and cannot see that not everyone measures 'success' in this way. It sounds to me like you have very different values about what you want - that you want a career that is perhaps more emotionally rewarding, more caring, more spiritual, and maybe gives you time to pursue other rounded interests and hobbies- even if that means you earn less money than someone in management consultancy. That is a personal choice, and your nearest and dearest must respect it. You cannot go through life living to someone else's script and going for big-money jobs because it's what someone else wants: you have to do what's right for you, or you will be miserable.
The second problem that you have is that your husband is not seeing your marriage as a unit. He's not seeing you as a team, with one set of interests, one pool of resources (time, money, stuff, energy), and one set of goals. Instead, he's seeing you as two individuals with two sets of interests, pulling in opposite directions. He's not recognizing that there are ways to contribute to the marriage that are not financial, for example emotional support, practical help (cooking, cleaning), care, solace and advice in times of trouble, laughter and fun in good times. Equally, he's not recognizing that money can't compensate for a lack of those things: it doesn't matter if he contributes a hundred thousand a year or even a million a year if he brings you down and stamps on your dignity and self-esteem in exchange.
I suggest that you sit down and talk to your partner very seriously about these two issues: the conflict of values, and the fact that he's not seeing the marriage as a matter of teamwork. Try to do so in a sympathetic and kind way at first, because it's possible that underlying his behaviour is a deep level of insecurity. Maybe he fears you becoming educated when he is not? Maybe he's beefing himself up by stressing his wage packet to compensate for a self-perceived lack in other areas? Try to understand what is motivating him to behave this way, but also try (gently) to convey your perspective - that you are trying, that you believe that what you're are endeavouring to do is important, that you're grateful for his help and support but that his attitude is tearing you to pieces. Let him see how much you're hurting (anger will conceal it), and he may realize what he's actually doing to you inside.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): yes its emotional abuse. your not worthless or lazy at all, education is valuable. He's older than you so maybe hes already been through his.
I say drop him and focus on your education, he sounds like an absolute idiot to be honest.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (15 February 2011):
 its simple- he had ideas about how marriage would pan out and they probably haven't been met. maybe you two were not suited.
do you spend much time together?
when one person is paying all the bills it isn't an equal situation, but a caring spouse would be supportive rather than trying to undermine your confidence. maybe he thinks that even when this course finishes in a year you will end up doing further course as the job market is uber competitive as of late (i have friends with masters without jobs- the one person who got a great job had a phd).
essentially- can you afford to go it alone while in school? do you get what you want out of this relationship? do you love him? does he make you feel loved? the answers to those questions should point you in the right direction
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