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age
36-40,
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writes: I am married to an army soldier, who does not seem to understand my needs at all. We have been married one year , and there has never been much romance in our relationship, just strong feelings. He doesn't understand my emotional needs; writes them off as irrational and unfounded whenever I try to explain to him. I believe communication and compromise is a big part of the relationship to which he agrees on the communication part, but less so on the compromise. It either has to be his way or my way; never something to satisfy the both of us. In his words, "There is no in between either one of us is happy or neither of us will be. That's just how it is." We don't talk often, it seems it bothers him for me to be around, he doesn't want to spend time with my daughter and myself. If I actually get him to come somewhere with us he is easily irritable and quick to anger over the smallest of things. I went looking through his broken phone which I know I shouldn't have and found text messages to another female 2 days after we got married. He denies ever doing anything but how can i believe him since he was several hundred miles away at the time. Since then he has contacted an escort because I would not do anal sex with him, again he denies doing anything other than sending an email. He sent a picture to an ex girlfriend " in a mass text message" in addition to not telling me that he had spoken to her.Money has always been an issue. I am not working right now so getting things I want or need is difficult. Our situation is his money is his money and mine is mine. I have rarely been one to ask and it's making me resent him. It's an issue that is hard for me to address because no matter how I put it, I end up sounding selfish. I do not want to just live off my husband, I do want to work and be able to hold my own, but times are hard job wise. My husband says his day is routine. He leaves for PT at the same time everyday comes home for lunch most days, and he is generally home at the same time everyday and doesn't leave the house less he is going to work, the store, or out with me and my daughter.I need him to understand how all of this and the lack of romance/attention makes me feel in a way that is " Logical and Rational." So that he will understand and we can begin to heal our relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen we first started before he joined the army, it was nothing like this. He was sweet, understanding, romantic and I felt i couldn't be without him and I actually felt that he felt the same. We wrote letters or talked to each other almost everyday when he was in training and we saw each other only 3 times before we were together for good. I believe it all started when I stupidly went snooping. From there it's been turmoil. I have tried so many ways to make this work. I've tried being around him more, threating divorce(bad idea), acting like I don't care, and giving him more space.What he did was wrong and he has to give me the opportunity to heal but he just sees it as me being over emotional. He actually said that he shouldn't have to make me happy or reassure me, I should. I know people don't really change and he is dead set on how it's supposed to be so how can we make this work. I just irritate him more everyday. I feel if I have to always comfort myself when i'm emotionally down, or struggle by myself when i'm financially down(and he's up), or always entertain myself and child by myself then I'd rather be single. Ending it is the last thing I want to do but I don't want this for the rest of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): It sounds as if he just wants to be left alone which is not healthy for a marriage. If you want him to change his behavior though you will have to get it across to him so how some way that how you feel is important. From the sounds of it he does not value emotional issues and/or does not feel close to you anymore. Try thinking about when this all start happening and go from there obviously he wasn't always like this or else I am certain you would not have married him. Find the root cause of the problem and work it from there. As for the escort thing, I don't know what to tell you, maybe he wasn't feeling like he was getting everything he needed or was being selfish
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reader, rcn  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 You two are married, but it seems as if their is no partnership in your marriage. Ask him, "Do you want to be married?" It's simple and only requires a yes or no answer. If he says he does, set a time to sit and discuss your relationship and establish boundaries. You can even tell him how you feel, where he's not allowed to say anything, just sit and listen. Your feelings exist, therefore they are important. That needs to be sunk in and established as being true. He can't say you don't feel, or it's wrong to, therefore he needs to acknowledge these feelings are there, and establish ways you two can work together to restore your marriage.
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