A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,there everyone. I am in so much agony and pain. My heart truly aches, I never thought that was actually possible, but it does. I have been married for almost 22 years. We have two teenagers and one five year old. About 8 months ago, my husband tells me that he is unhappy in our relationship. He says we don't go out much. It is very hard to get one of my other kids to be home to babysit, they both work and have lives of their own. However, after that, I did make it a point to go out with him, at least twice a month. Well, then, he started having problems in the bedroom, he would not get an erection, or could not hold one. He is 46 years old, I am 43. Last week, he told me that all his unhappiness in the past year has been about me. He does not feel the same way towards me, he does not feel that "connection", he mentioned leaving but he said he does not want to leave me on the street. I just work from home doing his books. I have been home taking care of the house and bringing up the kids. I don't understand, everybody we meet or know say "your wife is so pretty", I'm not vain, I don't think of myself as pretty. I've always helped him in doing things around the house, I've never complained about how much money he gave me for the week, I raised three kids and I'm still raising our third. I'm so desperate, all I do is cry and cry and it is so agonizing. I just want to crawl somewhere and sleep for a very long time. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, somebody please help!!!!!! And on top of all this, I don't want to be without him, that is what is so agonizing. I appreciate anybody's help Thank you
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): ''Well, then, he started having problems in the bedroom, he would not get an erection, or could not hold one. He is 46 years '' Do you think is this because he does not feel the ''connection'' with you anymore, or some other reason.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): You can't ask someone to love you if he doesn't. Please think about how you will support yourself and your children.
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A
male
reader, the counselor  +, writes (21 August 2009):
I was just skimming through and read this blog. My heart is going out for you. I felt the need to pray for you. Here is my prayer: Lord, keep this dear child in your hand...she is beautiful and lovely, and isn't shown that by her natural relationships. Please let her know she is pretty, and show her your love from heaven. Change her husbands heart towards her in Jesus name. Bless you sister.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): I wish I had some advice other than to tell you that your letting him ruin your life. Be strong, and keep praying that God will touch his heart with love for you and his family. You've done everything right, however, his heart has wandered away and sobbing all the time won't help him fall back in love with you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): hi, you have been given excellent advise here. my main concern is him "leaving but he said he does not want to leave me on the street." you have been his wife for 22 yrs. you deserve more than this slap in the face. plse do your homework regarding finances. you may still love him, but sadly his behaviour indicates that he doesn't feel the same about you. have you totally ruled out the existence of a 3rd person in yor marriage. you need to see an attorney and discuss the way forward. right now you are very emotioanl but please get hold of your thoughts and THINK CLEARLY. this is either make or break time for you and the decisions and manner in which you make them will determine your future. you need to be strategic regarding finances, know what you are entitled to. make an inventory, be wise. plse plan for the future. if you are doing your hb's books it means he is self employed. so he controls all the income. but you what is coming your way, you may not like it but plse prepare. maybe it is just a mid life crises. who knows. one thing for certain, going forward , how you think about your finances must change. plse start putting away cash for that rainy day. mature women have survived a breakup, yes it is hard for you but you will survive, you need to survive and you will be amazed at your inner strength you possess. i really wish you strength and inner peace during this difficult time. plse be wise regarding finances. plse remember if you are wise you will let your hb eat his "throw you in the street" attitude. you are nobodys doormat, yes right now a bit insecure but soon powerful and ready to tackle the problem ahead. God bless
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Truly good advice from 'your friend'. I too don't like the 'on the stret' inference. Do not be anxious or fear anything like that as that is not possible. You have been married for a long time and as a bear starting point you will be entitled to half of everything. With kids etc it will be heavily weighted in your favour so you will never be on the streets. Your husband has fallen out of love with you. It is awful and it is hard and it has happened to me too. I begged him to stay, begged, threw myself on his mercy, made an idiot of myself and much more, whereas I should have opened the door and LET HIM GO. I kinow you don't want this but you must hold your head high and do not beg or plead in anyway. i too was 43 when this happened to me and I am now 46. I fought the divorce for months and wouldn't let go and it was all utterly pointless. If someone doesn't want to be with you let them go. I am now divorced, still have the house and a nice bit of maintenance each month. The first thing to do is exactly as your friend suggests and get to the doctor and get some medication to calm you down. The anxiety is stopping you from thinking properly and you are frozen in tears and fear. Do that and things will begin to slot into place and you will feel brighter. Do not sit and do nothing. Also go and see a solicitor to know what you would be entitled to. I feel for you and am thinking of you.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (13 June 2009):
 You sound like the most wonderful person, loyal, dedicated, caring and sensitive. You have been committed to the family and to him. You do the books, bring up the kids and do all the really hard work in the relationship. Its painful to hear how distressed and heartbroken you are. I suspect you are suffering severe anxiety and most likely depression. The reason why I am writing to you is the statement you made that he won't leave you because he 'does not want to leave you on the street' I am truly shocked that he said that and it tells me that you need to take control of the situation or you will be in real trouble, so most of what I have to say is based on this statement.
Lets start with you first. You need to regain some control over what is happening to you otherwise you emotions will will continue to spill over and you will continue to always be on the verge of tears. You will need some assistance, so go to your doctor and explain your situation, tell him you are falling apart and then ask for some zanax, its an anti anxiety tablet and a good one at that. I know people go on about such drugs but they are not going through your pain, so ignore them. If he won't give it to you then insist (crying will help). If her suggests anti depressants I would suggest not taking them this stage, its the xanax you want. Follow the instructions and do not miss a dose and do not take more then what is prescribed. Give this about a week to take affect.
I know you are overwhelmed with the kids and work but you must find someone to mind the kids, get a babysitter, a relative who cares about you anyone who can help. Some suggestions, be 'too upset' to do the books and stop it cold and make him find someone else for the time being. When he is around leave the kids with him, that will mean crying and leaving the house or whatever it is you think of. But make sure you tie him down so he becomes inconvenienced and distressed as well,dump as much on him as you can.
The next step is to go to a friend(s) have coffee, cry on their shoulder, hold their hand, find anyone who cares about you. Don't listen to their advice as they will feel for you and give you lots of solutions but the answers need to come from you. And make time for this often. If you don't have anyone I can communicate with you in the short term but you need someone their.
Now start to take control of the situation, find out what you want to do. Find out your entitlements re money if separated etc, get professional advice, use his money somehow. Once you know that you will not be 'on the street' and in a better position then you think (you do the books so you should know) then do what ever it is that you think is best eg counseling, asking him to leave etc but whatever it is you should make sure the outcome is in your favour.
I have said a lot and there is a lot to take in so I will stop at this point. Please feel free to delete my response use some of it or keep it as you choose. But whatever happens I will be thinking of you every day and praying that life moves in your favour....your friend
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (13 June 2009):
 If trying to repair your marriage, the first thing that has to happen is both of you fully agree that's what you want. If you have one who wants to repair and the other one who already considers it over, you won't be able to fix it.
Your husband can't blame his feelings on you. He has to own and accept responsibility for his feelings. I relate "true love" in a marriage to the love for children. I love my kids, and when they make a mistake, we correct the mistake, but I never question whether or not I love them. Shouldn't love be viewed the same between a husband and wife?
Marriage is a precious unity between two people. It shouldn't be judged lightly, or bailed out of when things don't go exactly as planned. Have you been to a marriage counselor or relationship specialist? If not, I recommend you both do. What I've found, working with couples is that their marriage doesn't necessarily deteriorate because of either person, it does because of lack of knowledge. If you haven't learned how to keep intimacy strong, how can you expect yourself to? Most people want a strong marriage, or they did at one point, but they just don't know how to keep it going strong.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
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