A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 10 years took a job 1 1/2 years ago 2000 miles away. I encouraged him to do it because I thought that 1) it was great for his career, 2) he was given per diem for flights to fly home or have me fly there, and 3) our marriage was strong enough to last despite the distance. A few months after he was there, he asked to separate. I was devastated and went to therapy and returned to church to get my thoughts and feelings clarified for myself. I ended up meeting someone and became romantically involved after I became distraught from my husband refusing to reconcile. A few months later, my husband talked me into trying to save our marriage and we started counseling. I discovered that he was having an affair and I hadnt ended my other relationship. Fast forward to a few months ago when we decided to call it quits and get a dissolution. We decided to go to an intensive weekend marriage counseling session and really connected. A few days later, my husband said that, during this intensive counseling, he realized that he, himself, has issues to work through. He's not sure if he wants to be married at all now. His therapist says that he needs to work on himself before he can work on our marriage. It has been 2 months already and he's still not sure how much longer he needs. The question...How much longer should I wait? Should I give him more time or should I walk away? I do love him but wonder if he's just waiting for me to make the move to part ways.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Thanks for the update.If u believe your marriage is worth fighting for then battle on!However plse don't be fooled by a false sense of security. I have seen/heard of man women who thought they were well on the reconciliation road and then bam! Find themselves divorced, replaced by another woman(who was all along there), pennyless and devastated.How long more do u wait? Is it fair on you? To put your life on hold.I am all for trying, trying, trying to make ones marriage work. Lord knows I had to do that myself in my marriage last year. But there comes a time when you need to question 'what now?'. You cannot work through your problems while u both are away from each other. The separation becomes more permanent. Is there a way for you to be nearer him?If he is not with his lover anymore, are u sure your hb doesn't have a new one.Whatever you decide be happy with your choice.LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Abella,
Thank you for your encouraging, supportive words. I deep inside want to believe this and hope that God is just testing my patinece and perserverence. I will let you know that happens...
Dear Love Girl,
Thank you for youresponse. I do know, however, that the affair is over because not only did I bust it up by telling her husband, but I also ended their marriage. She is an evil person and has cheated on her husband before. She doesnt live by my hb any longer and he is in counseling to put it all past him. I will ket you know how it all turns out.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 January 2011):
 It is your decision to do what seems right.
This has been a huge challenge for you both. And no doubt such strain has taken a toll on both of you. I am sorry you have been through so much.
But perhaps he is getting back on track. He did attend the intensive counselling. That has got to count for something?
From his perspective he may feel he has shown good faith in doing the intensive counselling. The very aware therapist can't take sides, but has given him some very obvious advice. He ignores it at his peril.
You had a strong marriage before. If you can come through this hiatus, and grow together, your marriage is likely to come out stronger than before. If it were me,
I'd work on it. Ten years together is already a substantial chunk of your life. If this marriage can be successfully worked on then it will be a mighty achievement together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): You both had affairs and you both moved on.Did you both stop your affairs while trying counselling.I think your hb is still with the other woman therefore he is reluctant to become a 'husband' to you again.It is selfish of him to just have an open ended time frame. Two months is a long time to decide esp if he is still seeing and sleeping with another woman. Have you thought of just asking him what the hell is happening. Stop with the sly games: either yes or no, no half measures.I think u know in your heart that it is over.Do your homework. What will your financial settlement be. Don't be a fool during this time. You are now in your 40s so go all out for a good settlement. Become wise with regard to divorce and the mess it brings.Instead of giving him more months to decide and then he pulls the plug , get him to give you an answer. Your life cannot be in limbo anymore.Don't be surprised that while you are clueless to his decision he is making wise decisions of his own: meaning making certain he comes off financially healthy at your expense. Your hb is just not only thinking whether he wants to be married he is making plans to get a bigger slice of the pie. Open your eyes and smell the dung around you. It is mere formality before he springs this divorce. Think. Strategise. And implement. Or else you will find yourself like so many other mature women who have nothing to account for after their divorce.LoveGirl
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