A
female
age
36-40,
*uestion-mark
writes:My husband and I have been married for nearly four years and were together a year before that; my husband is 32 and I'm 25. In most aspects of our lives we are happy together - alot of things seem to be falling into place recently.But unfortunately there are a couple of black spots, for me at least. (I shall address the other main issue in a different post in the near future).The fact is I am convinced my husband just isn't physically attracted to me!And I don't think he ever has been - he even told me at one point he never actually flirted with me when we first met, that I had jumped to the wrong conclusion.If we go out (which isn't very often) it makes no difference how much effort I put into getting ready, I have to ask him how I look and the usual responce 'alright' or 'okay'.He never tells me I'm beautiful or anything like that.We only ever have sex when he wants it - I'm serious, I can never initiate it!! He pushes me away if I try to kiss him, seduce him, touch him....I've tried to treat him the way he treats me in this situation, but if I push him away we just don't have sex at all!We never kiss during sex (not even during foreplay or directly afterwards). I can honestly say that we have sex and do not make love.Sometimes I feel like its nothing more than aided masturbation on his part - like he's horny and I'm conveniently there!But thats not to say he doesn't take care of my needs, because he does - just when HE wants to.I try to point it out but he always denies thats the case (even though he can never tell me when he last let me take the lead).I'm just so fed up with feeling rejected and unattractive (I have low self-esteem as it is) to the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally. I just can't understand why a man would choose to marry a woman he's not physically attracted to.Any suggestions gratefully received. And any responces from any men out there who may be able to shed light on this will be most appreciated!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): He may just be oblivious to the difference between men and women.
Can you guys get some relationship books and read together? Assuming you can get him motivated enough to make changes.
He needs to understand that the romantic pursuit doesn't end with saying "I do" for a woman and sex/anticipation for a woman starts hours and hours before the actual "deed."
I'm a married guy (20 years) and if I can change, a young guy like him can. But he has to realize there is a difference and be willing to learn/make changes.
A
male
reader, model101_t800  +, writes (28 July 2010):
 Hey, your problem seems so much like mine. The only difference is that I am a man and I get the treatment from my wife (like your husband does with you).
Just like you I take care of myself byt getting dressing up well, maintaining good hygiene and pleasing attitude. However, whatever I may do my wife does not find my attractive. I know that I am good looking and attractive because other women do get attracted to me. not that i act upon those opportunities.
Just like you, i get ready well when I take her out but I do not get any indication that she feels good about that. I do complement her when she puts in effort to get ready. But there is no reciprocation of any form.
Occasionally, I just sit next to her and adore her for a few minutes and tell her that she is looking so beautiful. I do try to make it special. She says thanks and then as if nothing happened.
Just like your case, we have sex when she wants it. All she wants is oral stimulation to her and orgasms for her in a row. But she is cold turkey when it comes to kissing. I love kissing and believe that it can really bond two people so much. But I am pushed away. My oral hygiene is immaculate.
I have been rejected intimacy by her so many times that I am burnt. I never approach her anymore. There was a time when I kept a log of how many times we made love or had any kind of intimacy for 2.5 years. It wasn't surprising that we made love about 6 times in a year.
We have had several discussion over last 6 years. We have tried often but this does not resolve. I dont want to put all details here on the board would not mind sharing with someone who has gone through similar challenges in life.
I am healthy male 32 years old and quite energetic. Wife is same age and energetic too.
I have come to realize that it simply her attitude that makes me unconformable. I have started to be more social with other people. I get complements from people and that keeps me satisfied.
I have learnt that we our the cause of our suffering. We set expectations from our close ones and when they do not match up we get upset. One, I have no expectations from my wife anymore. It took me a few months of self-conditioning to accept it but I am more happy than before. Ofcourse i do have physical needs. And for that I pleasure and pamper myself. I would buy something nice for myself and tell myself that I deserve to be happy and satisfied.
I think it is upto us to take control of our happiness and not be dependent upon our partners if they are not fulfilling their part of the commitment. Lower your expectations from your partner and take control of your satisfaction. I do not encourage separation but there are other ways of find pleasure and happiness for yourself if you have already tried everything and nothing works with him.
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A
female
reader, keishaoc09 +, writes (28 July 2010):
girl take a day for your self...at first get some real beauty advice meaning stuff like...what kind of makeup would look right on you and solutions for areas you are insecure at..for example..(for me.ima b honest..cellulite)....then ask ur hubby INDIRECTLY!! What he think about the way u look. This will determine if u have to change anything at all...and depending on what he says..get yourself a makeover..suprise him one day..and see where it goes from there..
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