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female
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anonymous
writes: Cheated on and dont know what to do?My husband was recently discovered to be having a secret companion that kept him so involved in her day to day activities with her and her husband that he forgot my birthday. The children were the ones to discover his infidelity. My husband said my definition and his definition of cheating are two different things. I should mention that this is the second time of him keeping something like this from me. He says he is happy and loves me and is not trying to throw 16 years away. He doesn't want to answer my questions about how and why this has happened again. He thinks that I am blowing this out of proportion. He says I just need to move on and stop drilling him about the questions. I am confused about how to let go of all the hostility, betrayal and hurt.How do I move past this and how do I regain believing in him again? Its been since October 18 that I was told. Is it too soon to move on?
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female
reader, clubace +, writes (19 June 2006):
This could be my story - except my husband of 16 years has been in touch with his ex-fiance (over a 30 year period) and most of the time it was friends. She is also married, but twice during that time however it has become sexual - most recently 18 months ago. He says they realised the folly and have 'gone back to being just friends' - however his emotional involvement with her is intense, also with mobile phones, texts and emails, quite easy to keep up a close contact despite them living 70 miles apart. It has devasted our life - we tried counselling last year - but he never told the real truth. My husband, like yours, thinks i'm overreacting to a long friendship, but I see the changes in him when they are 'close' in his withdrawal from me and home life, lack of interest in anything and irritability. He receently was begging for her to keep sending 'sexy text messages' which really has been the last straw for me - he also blames our poor sex life, but until the last 18months seemed satisfied with me. Anyone else any views?
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female
reader, Zrockstress +, writes (13 November 2005):
Remember the old saying "Fool me once Shame on you" and I think you know how the rest of it goes... As stated in a previous post by an annon poster. Emotional Infidelity is VERY serious. Personally if I were you I would do 2 things. 1st Drop the Subject WAIT WAIT there's more....2nd and MOST CRUCIAL is install a key logger. Find out EXACTLY who he's talking to and what he's saying. Devious? YES it is... But it could just very well be the answer you need.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 November 2005):
 Your husband is trying to sell you a bunch of hogwash! Yes he cheated on you and no you can't trust him especially since it's happened before. Get yourself a good lawyer or live without the S.O.B....your choice.
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female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (9 November 2005):
 Well, from one internet cheater to the victim of internet cheating I can say this is going to be difficult for you. I was recently involved in a relationship with a man online, my husband caught me and is now, like you, trying to regain his trust for me. The problem is that it becomes like an addiction, he may be feeling like he needs her. The guilt from hiding this makes him defensive when you press for more information. It becomes very hard to see how much better your real life is when you have this picture perfect relationship waiting for you online. You need to be very aware of his computer habits, encourage him to put the computer in an area where he can not hide his online activity. I tried to tell my husband that what I did online wasn't cheating because it was not in real life the fact of the matter is, it can be worse. Online it is all emotional, and it is very easy to get caught up in the fantasy. If you love him, try to help him. You are definitely the victim in the situation but he may feel helpless especially if even as he tries to cut ties with his online "friend" you are still refusing to move forward into your relationship's recovery. No one will benefit from dwelling on his past mistakes.
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female
reader, beenthere +, writes (9 November 2005):
did he deliberately keep this from you? was he involved with her as any more than a friend? he has betrayed you by keeping this from you but, unless his relationship with this woman was more than friends, he's not cheated. however, forgetting your birthday because he's so engrossed in someone elses business is unacceptable and you need to tell him how hurt you are. you are not blowing anything out of proportion. i know other men who are so comfortable with their partner that they don't realise they are neglecting them to help out someone else.
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female
reader, x_litto_miss_ferguson_x +, writes (9 November 2005):
You dont he is a PIG! i know its hard but 16years of ruining your life is all uv done get out there its never 2 late!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): Emotional infidelity can be more painful and more disruptive to a marriage than a purely sexual affair. Not only did he forget your birthday because of it, but your children discovered that something was wrong. This is the second time he has gone outside the marriage to fill his needs.....and you're asking when you can begin to believe him again???? The man is not trustworthy. Like it or not, he may love you, but he doesn't honor and cherish you. Your relationship is either lacking very key components or he is just the type of person who cannot remain loyal and devoted. I'm assuming it's both, because they usually come in pairs. My advice: don't let him fool you into dismissing this again. And, you are married, you should both try to share the same definition of infidelity. That will require lots of opening up on his part. I'm not sure he's capable of giving you that. Seek professional counseling to help you both sort out your own shortcomings in the relationship, then attempt to create a definition of infidelity that you can both live by. But, above all, please realize that he is trying to manipulate you into forgetting about the affair so that he doesn't have to confront the deeper issues within himself and the marriage. That's exactly what led him astray, and if you continue to dismiss his indiscretions, he will do it again.
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