A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 3yrs now and I'm not happy. My husband cheated on me while were engaged and 6 months later after we got married I found out that his girlfriend had just given birth to a baby boy. This came as shock to me, I was hurt so bad and I spent day and night crying, blaming myself why did I fall for this guy. He apologised for what he did but the pain and anger is still there. Sometimes I even think of filing for divorce. I don't want him to say anything about this child to me. How do I learn to accept this child in my life? How do I get rid of pain that I feel?
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cheated on me, divorce, engaged Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): There was a question very similar to this. Although the situation was somewhat different, the issue of trust was the same. If you feel that you can no longer trust him, then forgive him, get out and move on. As he deserves your contempt and resentment, I don't believe that he's worth your energy. And why be with someone you no longer can give your trust, faith and confident too?However if you do stay, remember that the child is innocent of all this. It didn't ask to be born out of wedlock and have a cheating, unfaithful dog for a father. No matter what the parent does, the child remains innocent. Don't punish the child for what his or her father did. If you do stay, then I agree with sarcy24. Welcome the child into your life. By doing so, you are not allowing your husband a chance to have a double life with the baby and the mother.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): does your hb have a tendency to cheat. will his cheating ways crop up again, i think the likelihood of this happeneing is very possible.
cut your losses? maybe you should., how can you trust him again. the only way you pain will end if if you get rid of your hb. yes. in the end if you stay with him you will be bitter. it will change you. are you prepared for the fights. for this other gf to be a part of your life. for this child to be part of your life as well.
if you have no kids with him, choose wisely. it is killing you and you know it. you cannot and should not trust your hb. he knew his gf was pregnant but he was selfish. he kept the truth from you,,, hoping that he could lead 2 lives. one with you and one with his kid and the mother of his child. you are young and you have learn tthe hard way about betrayal.
if it was me i would kick this cheating man out of my life but we are talking about you. how much of this sh1t are you willing to put up with? can you live with this betrayal or can you make peace. if you cannot and from what i have read you can't then ending this farce of a marriage is th eonly way forward. you are hating this childs existence and i cannot blame you. but the sad thing is your anger, tears and suffering is misplaced. it is your hb who deserves all the contempt, not the kid. but the kid exists and it is a reminder of the betrayal. before you become a bitter horrible person end this aand move on. yes, move on. do not be afraid to love again. and girl, believe me, you will find love again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): I send you my best of thoughts and hope you will stay strong. I am no where near able to understand what you are going through, but I will still try to give my suggestions. Do you want to stay with him? And you will be able to forgive him? If yes, then this can work.
Sacry24 gave us both some insight into how this can be. You'd of course try to steer away from a situation like that. However it is possible to accept the child into your life. You will become it's step-mom, which you in fact are. You need to step into that new role you have been given. The mother of the child will just have to accept that. Make sure that from now on, your husband intends to be faithful. Have that conversation with him.
Then, for the weekends/holidays your husband is to have the child, you have the child too. Don't let him sneak away with the baby and be alone. This child is now a part of YOUR family too. So you have every right to demand a place in this family, and not be excluded. When you and your husband have your own children, they will have a big brother or sister to play with. You should not be alienated, but included. Talk to your husband about this. After all you will spend the rest of your lives together, so he can not keep you and his child separated. You are it's step-mom and has a place in this baby's family too.
Whatever you do: don't take it out on the child. The child did not ask to be born into this, and is innocent. Love the child with all you have, and embrace it into the family.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 My best friend was married to a man for 4 years when he had an affair and the other woman got pregnant. They now have a 3 year old child. This is what my friends life is now like. She is bizarrely still married to him. Every weekend he goes and spends it with the child, every Xmas he spends it with the child and whenever the phone goes the wife is droppd immediately because he will run to see if there is a problem with the child, is required to babysit etc etc. My friend is very weak and has no self esteem that is why she stays in the relationship. She also thinks she won't meet anyone else and is frightened of being alone. As she says this child never goes away and it is only going to get worse the older it gets.
If you are a very caring accepting woman you may be able to get over the pain eventually by participating in your husband's life with the child or by compensating by having a child of your own with him. It takes a very strong woman to be able to do the former. I could not do this and could never get over it and would have to divorce. I am far too mean spirited. When this initially happened I looked into the statistics of this for my friend and statisically 95% of marriages fail if this happens. If you can find maybe a good therapist to help you heal and get over your feelings of anger on this you might be able to move on and stay in the relationship. I also think it depends on how much love and affection your husband shows to you and if deep down you can really forgive him. I think you are a very brave and strong woman so you may well be able to conquer this.
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