A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Dear cupidMy husband had cheated on me in the past a few times i for gave him and we have tried to put it behind us. His affairs went on all though our marriage until he got caught,(20 yrs) no doubt he would still be cheating if he had not been caught (who knows)?I cannot forget what he has done and no longer trust him,i am afraid to be on my own for the last 4 yrs its been a up and down realationship none of us having the guts to face up to the marriage is over we argue all the time about silly things we no longer have sex could he be cheating again?Everything has to be what he wants and if i disagree he flies into a rage,I have no family or friends i dont go out, i know most of you will say why am i still with him?i have no where to go,no confidence, but most of all i am afraidThanks for reading
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reader, silver27  +, writes (11 December 2012):
In life we can be thrown into trials and circumstances that seem impossible to overcome. These obstacles that we run into can either make us or break us in the long run. For some it can have a huge impact on their self-esteem or their way of thinking, but for others it can help them to wake up and realize the problem and take before further damage can take place. In your case, the problem has left you with lack or no confidence at all and it also caused you to think lowly of yourself , thinking that there is no way to fix the problem when actually there are various ways to fix it. You just need to find the strength and courage to overcome such a difficult trial occurring in your life or else this fear of ending up alone will consume you and your thoughts.
Lacking self-confidence can become programmed in a person’s personality and the lack of self-confidence can be due to various reasons. According to what you have written, it sounds like the environment you are in could be the very reason as to why you have little to no confidence in yourself. The fact that you said that everything has to be what your husband wants can be a reason that can cause you to lose self-confidence. It can attribute to you no confidence because you are not in a place where you can freely express neither yourself, nor your thoughts as boldly and with the confidence you would like to express them. Due to you always having to listen to your husband and his wants, you refuse to voice out your own thoughts because of the fear of having your husband fly into rage. You have allowed yourself to be manipulated in this marriage by him. You have not been able to branch out and live a life of your own and now you lack the confidence to do so. An article on nelsonsnaturalworld.com claims, “People who suffer from a lack of self-confidence often hamper their own progress in life by not attempting to try anything new.” I suggest that it’s time that your voice be heard in this marriage and that you should voice it more often in general, so you can build up some confidence through this rough time you are going through and so you can be able to deal with it better.
Did you ever stop to think that the person you have become now is because you have allowed the situation you are in elevate? I’m not saying that it’s your fault, but maybe if the situation was handled in a different manner it would not have left you to think that you nowhere to turn to in a time of need or have left you in this state of fear and cause your self-esteem to plummet like it did. Everything that you have struggled with has had a tremendous impact on your self-esteem. Especially relationship problems because according to an article about self-esteem it states, “Relationship satisfaction may affect self-esteem.” Therefore the status of your relationship with your husband is the reason why you feel the way you do about yourself. It has now caused you to think that you have no one or nowhere to turn to if you were to leave him.
In my opinion, I suggest that you pray for strength and courage in order for you to ask him to sit with you and truly have an in depth conversation about the status of you marriage for the sake of your marriage. Maybe even suggest to him that you two should seek counseling if he’s willing to cooperate and open to the idea of going because it didn’t seem like you went to great lengths to save your marriage either but I don’t know and maybe you did. In total honesty you have three options you can choose from. Either, search for help on rebuilding your marriage, continue such a painful and miserable life with this man or built up the courage to leave him and start a life without him. I believe that starting fresh can give you a better opportunity in rebuilding yourself and would be much healthier in the long run.
If you would like more information on dealing with low self-esteem or lack of confidence, here are the following places you can do some research on. I really hope everything works out for you and for your husband.
http://www.nelsonsnaturalworld.com/en-us/uk/a-z-of-ailments/emotional-health/lack-of-self-confidence/
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 102(6), Jun, 2012. pp. 1271-1288
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): Dear Anonymous,There are few numbers of things that can contribute to a cheating marriage. Don’t blame yourself. When your significant other cheats the marriage, you automatically feel betrayed and you blame yourself. Although, it is your responsibility to try and do what’s best for you. The fear of trusting your husband once again is only haunting you. I have no idea what your cultural background is but this may be causing you to feel fear about being alone. You may feel like marriage is supposed to be for a long period of time, but times have changed and there is a lot of help you can seek if you find yourself in an unpleasant relationship. The problem here is that you are trying to attain yourself to something that’s only going to destroy you in the long run. You may never trust him again so you need to focus on yourself. In order to achieve that your self-esteem is a really important factor, you need to power up your mind, body, and voice, lastly move on from that cheating husband.Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself and your value as a person, self-confidence is also a factor. It really sounds like you don’t have enough self-value because you say you have no confidence. Someone who has low self-esteem attract those will only take advantage on them. Raising your self-esteem will help you move on and be happy. Questioning yourself if he is still cheating proves that you are constantly seeking reassurance. To overcome these insecurities and higher your low self-esteem you have to be aware, not being aware misleads you. Gary comments in his article “Overcoming insecurities and low self-esteem” that “If you can begin to change some of the smaller thoughts and emotions, then you can learn how to change your larger thoughts and emotions you experience.”You can power up your voice, body, and mind. You say said that you don’t know anybody or talk to anybody. Lady Michelle Obama advises, “Talking to other women.” When you sit down and talk to other women with similar problems it fires you up as a woman. Have more of your time instead of trying to please your husband. This will make you a more independent woman and whenever you don’t like something about your husband you can easily walk away. Finding other resources can also help you feel more protected. Things like exercising, going out with other women, engaging in activities outside the home will boost up your self-esteem. You see when you project negativity they only thing you get back is negativity. When you smile at the world, the world will smile right back at you.In the long run low self-esteem can even lead you to depression. Feeling sad happens to a lot of us. Not treating depression can lead us to death.Moving on from a cheating marriage can be difficult. Raising your self-esteem and powering up your voice will help you move on from that cheating marriage in which you are unhappy. In your case, you were cheated on a couple years ago and it obviously seems that he hasn’t changed. You can’t change somebody unless they want to change. He obviously has no commitment to change. You said you don’t have the guts to face each other to end the marriage, so the first step to get over this marriage is to face what has happened. It won’t do any good talking to that person about it, because it has happened and nothing will change. If you honestly feel like this person is going to change, examine the situation. People worth given another chance will try their best to prove it. Cheating on a spouse is painful and most of the time it’s better to walk away. What your husband’s response is should be none of your business. You shouldn’t worry so much about someone who doesn’t worry much about you.After all, the final decision is yours. I have provided some advice for you and I hope I helped you out. You shouldn’t be in any marriage that doesn’t make you happy. Don’t let the fear of striking out; keep you from playing the game. As a woman you need to power up your voice. I genuinely believe that you are a strong women and it’s just that nobody has proven otherwise to you.
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female
reader, cutiepie85 +, writes (9 December 2012):
Dear Cupid.org anonymous: We all feel sadness, grief or despair at some point in our lives. However, unlike these normal transient emotional states a low self -confidence. Sometimes people can have it due to long term feeling that you are not worthy. Low self- confidence is caused by a variety of reasons, mainly personality factors, environmental factors and learning factors. People with low self -confidence tend to have higher anxiety levels than people who have never been depressed. Conversations and communicating with the society could really help lift up your social life. You have to love yourself for you to be able to love life. Exercise is a very helpful remedy to release the mental depression because it releases the “happy chemical”. To help save your marriage you have to have opened and clear conversations of what you are going through with your husband. What really seems is that you are suffering a low self confidence in yourself. Low self-confidence can’t be normal. If you don’t try to treat your mental depression you might miss out on opportunities to practice the skills of interacting with others around you that might lead you to a higher level. It could be factored from your society, school or family. In your case it is more likely to be factored by your husband. I am wondering why dont you have a family or friends. Please don’t get me wrong but you could probably enhance your social relationships by creating a fun world you would enjoy. Exercise can also help alternative depression. According to howtodealwithadepression.net it states, “Exercise encourages the production of endorphins, the “happy mood” chemical” (2). Exercise can help enhance the effects of depression. Working out can definitely help you relax and make you feel better. Exercise may also help keep anxiety and depression from coming back once you're feeling better. Out of experience I would really recommend exercise as a remedy to depression. Stick to a routine every day and don’t skip it, even when you are on a low phase. Your husband also might need some cooperation from you. Don’t get me wrong, I am on your side with the infidelity issues which are not acceptable at all. But you could probably manage to get over your problems. I know it is not easy living with a neglecting hubby, it is very stressful to you. According to the artofmanliness.com , “Sometimes traumatic events such as sudden death or illness triggers depression”(1).I advise you to take good care of your health because low self-confidence is considered a mental disorder and it could lead to sudden death. However I recommend you to consider counseling no matter what your husband thinks. One of the things you will face during counseling is to try to overcome your low self-confidence. It will definitely be part of becoming a more self -confident person. When you have confidence in yourself, you will look at the outer world with a whole different perspective. You will love life. You will see others smiling back at you as soon as you approach them. Because when you change your attitude towards yourself, people will change their attitude towards you. It will take time but it will happen. What will your husband’s reaction be? I have no clue. I guess if you learn how to be a more confident person with your own personality, he would see you as a strong and independent woman and that might lead him back to you and not lay eyes on any other woman. In your case, I think he played a big role in not giving you the attention and care you needed as a woman or even as a human being which led you to not understand or even communicate with each other. So you could talk to him and open your heart to your husband. Let him know what you are going through without him. Let him know that you need his love and attention in your life. Tell him that he means so much to you and that you don’t want to leave him and live by yourself. Open up freely. Maybe plan a date with him or just enjoy your night out together as husband and wife or if you are kind of afraid of jumping to that fast step, try to talk together about both of your likes and dislikes. Communication may lead you both to strengthen your relationship and you never know; it could lead to the next level. Learning to be socially active and friendly with the society and friends is very essential. Don’t worry so much of living alone because you may work things out. Creating a warm environment will very much help. Well I hope you would both loosen things up a little and that might make you both understand each other more. Begin today and change your life. There is nothing more joyful than enjoying life with your soul mate. You deserve to be happy
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female
reader, lipsplash +, writes (9 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous, After reading your problem and the responses you have gotten so far, I have to agree with the fellow members of dearcupid.org. This marriage is not a healthy environment for you, and you must end it as soon as possible. Looking at your dilemma from a distance, I can see that in order for you to end this marriage without any loose ends, you are going to have to find methods to boost your self-esteem. If no action is taken to boost your self-esteem, it is possible that you will soon develop symptoms of depression. Obviously, we do not want that to happen, so some steps you can take to boost your self-esteem are to take in consideration your own strengths, find ways to overcome your fears, think of your glass as half full, and always remember to celebrate all of your big and small successes. The absolute first step to boosting your self-esteem is to take in consideration your own strengths. This is important because personal strengths are what will help tackle any situation in life. All strengths no matter how insignificant they may seem will be useful. According to Dr. Lynn Ponton, “Building your self-esteem and creating a positive self-awareness comes from taking an inventory of your own strengths and abilities as a human being”. What Dr. Ponton means is when you realize what your strengths are, you will be one step closer to achieving a higher self-esteem because once an inventory of self-strengths are stored in the mind, positive and powerful thoughts will flow throughout your mind, enabling you to find the courage to end this marriage. Once you have thought about what strengths you have, it is time to find ways to overcome your fears. As stated in your problem description, you are afraid. Even though you don’t have any family or friends and do not go out, going out is essential to solving this problem because many solutions are in the outside world, waiting to be discovered. You can start tackling your problem by either consulting professional help from a psychologist, or a cheaper alternative will be to join a self-help group. Both of these choices are very good options, but if money is a problem, then joining a self-help group will not only help gain different perspectives and solutions to the problem, but it can help you meet people who share the same problem as and establish new friendships. Eventually, when you find different methods to overcome your fear(s), you must think of your glass as half full. One of the setbacks of having low self-esteem is that it causes people to think negative thought about almost every situation they are placed in. When thinking positively and seeing the glass as half full, more opportunities are available, and problems can have positive spins on them. If a relationship is unsafe, it presents the opportunity of escaping and establishing a safe yet healthy relationship. Evidently, seeing situations in an optimistic point of view has many advantages and will definitely help boost a person’s self-esteem. Ultimately, you must always remember to celebrate all of your successes no matter how big or small they may seem. Completing all of the above steps is essential to boosting a person’s self-esteem, but if their actions go unacknowledged by themselves, self-confidence will be far from being raised. Something I learned from reading an article of Dr. Ponton’s, is that you must “Become your own personal cheerleader. Don’t be afraid to celebrate even your smallest successes”. This concept is very important to follow because with every success celebrated, one’s confidence will start to raise. When a person’s confidence has risen, their self-esteem will also be lifted. It is essential for one to raise their confidence and self-esteem because “[low] self-esteem may lead to differential choices of coping strategies, and these strategies in turn may lead to varying stress outcomes such as symptoms of depression”. If a person with low self-esteem is in an unhealthy relationship and decides to let that get in the way of their ticket out, their decision could lead them to a great amount of stress, and possibly depression. Raising self-esteem will not be easy, but that does not mean it is not possible. With a lot of help and effort, anyone can raise their self-esteem and become a confident person. I wish you the best in all of your future endeavors, and hopefully, this helps you with your problem. Take care, and always remember to stay healthy! (Mentally and physically!) If anything, you can also do some research on your own. After all, there are endless possibilities on the world wide web!
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female
reader, Sandygreen +, writes (29 November 2012):
Get out i have been in the same boat. Stood in it for the children, my two children now adults resent me because i stood in an unhealthy relations with there father. My unhappiness projected onto my children and i never was able to see or sense this untill my 22 year old daughter told me a year ago that she would have been happy and understood my choice and respected it if i would have left their father early on in our marriage. Long story short they are supportavive of my dicision and wished i had done it sooner. i left having no money or anything for myself as well. i stood with an aunt of mine and don't regret any minute of it. you can do it!
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Hi
I can understand how you are feeling - you by the sounds of it have centered your life round him for 20 years.
You need to gather together some money in your own bank account asap, get some advice about divorce too how you stand financially etc and gather proof of his adultry. I don't know if you own your home or work?
Anyway, your well-being is more important than anything else.Set a date in your head and work towards leaving, find a flat ready.Imagine yourself waking up and not having to argue or worry what he is up to.Don't tell him either,just leave him a note saying ta ta.
Yes it will be hard to go after 20yrs, but you have the chance to break free and re-build a new carefree life.This alone will fill you with vigour and the relief will be amazing.What do you have to lose?
Come on here for moral support anytime or to vent if you need to.
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female
reader, Meg5180  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Wow, I had a similar marriage. 20 years, two kids (youngest is 19) they were even telling me to leave him, yet for some reason I couldn't. One day, I woke up and just had enough. Not sure why or what got into me, but I just wanted out. I had no friends or anyone to turn to but I planned my "escape" I found a little appartment and packed what I needed (clothing and such) I left and didn't look back. I left my home and all the belongings behind. Started OVER at 42. Never thought I could do it, but I'm so glad I did. Can you believe I still miss him sometimes. Sad but true. It's been over two years now and I am so much better off. I have friends (even a man!) I do what I want and enjoy my life. Even better I own the remote control! LOL
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Well, your feelings are certainly understandable AND rationale. The only life you have known for the majority of your life has been with that of your husband. The life that you know always feels safer than the life you don't know even if it is awful.
I think you need to take stock of where you are at and where YOU want to be. If you fail to do anything you are going to keep getting what you've been getting -- and you sound absolutely miserable.
At this point, I think you need to make a decision: do you really want out? I am not getting the impression that you do. Metaphorically speaking, you have one foot in the past, one foot in the future and you are pissing on today. If you want to repair your marriage, than start taking steps: seek counseling, make sure your husband is on board as well, and see if there is anything to salvage.
However, if your husband is unrepentant or a serial cheater, NOTHING you can do will fix it (and that sounds like it is the case). Nothing. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can get on to living the life of your dreams, potentially with a man who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. If this is the case, you need to start taking steps to free yourself from this situation: seek a therapist to help you gather courage, get an attorney, move out, etc. Each small step is a path that leads to your freedom.
You are a grown woman and I think first you need to convince yourself what you really want and go from there. Ultimately, the choice is yours -- you know your situation best but whatever you do, take some sort of action. The first step is always the hardest....
Eddie
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Contact a woman's group or a refuge or women;s health centre, or a crisis telephone counselling service who should be able to direct you to somewhere to help you sort this out.
You need to leave, or get him to leave, this man can't be trusted, tie up any money you can, any you cant get print outs of balances.
Find a lawyer, sort out this mess of a marriage and then you can work out what to do next. Lots of people find it therapeutic to keepa journal, or just to write everything down while you are going through this process, so get a notebook and try it.
Rome wasn't built in a day and getting you life back on track is not going to happen overnight either. And because it can be a slow process you should not delay. Start now! Today!
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