A
female
age
41-50,
*lueiis
writes:Please help?? I got divorced last year after my husband had an affair, the whole break up was very painful as we had been together since I was 17 I am now 27 and only married for about 8 months. It nearly lead to me taking my own life I had a nervous breakdown. 2 years on I am still, as mad as it may sound, very much in love with him. Despite everything we are still in contact via email and the odd text or phone call. My problem is that we are both seeing other people now but I very much want to try again and he says he feels the same! I'm scared that I will loose my family if I go back to him as they hate him for what he has done to me but I cant ignore the feelings I still have for him. Am I crazy to even think of going back??? or should I give it another go?? Any advise would be helpfull xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): I have been married 22 years now but in the first 2 years my husband cheated on me with next door.
We divorced and remarried 3 years later. I have never looked back they have been the best years of my life and he has given me 3 wonderfull children. You do get over it and its defo what you make it. x julie
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): You will not know unless you try, but remember a few points;
1. Are you going to punish him for the rest of your life if you try again?
2. Can you trust him again?
3. Do you really love him or are you just used to him?
4. Alcohol induced memories, will they keep coming up?
5. Does he really have any special qualities?
6. Could he still make you feel special?
If you can answer all of those questions truthfully and positively then good luck. It will not workout over night and you both obviously have some baggage to sort out. Make sure you do this in a manner that you can be proud of without clandestine effects.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): You owe it to your own self-esteem to move on without him. Going back says "he can get away with it again". My opinion for what its worth - once a cheat always a cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): i have been through the same after my ex cheated i went back thinking he change.while at work he started to cheat again .he said he would never do it again after the first time ,it was my children caught him cheating and he called them a lier i was guttered. u will alway have in back of your mind and never wont him to go out without you i would never wont you to go through this
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A
female
reader, maritushki  +, writes (10 January 2008):
No way's back, move forward...life is too short to start bringing up somebody... you should look for someone who is already brought up the way you need.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): It is terrible what you have been through. I totally understand the pain that you have gone thorugh as I was with my ex from the age of 16 we recently broke up and I am 26 now with three of his children.
I would say the first thing you both need to do is break up with the people that you are seeing. It is not fair on them and they are both being used to ease your pain. (Kind of like rebounds). This is partially what your ex had done to you and it is not fair for you to do the same thing to another. With out this extra load you'll be able to clear some mental space. I do not think you should go away together especially as you have a partner.
Why did you both divorce so soon after the affair? Many people can still have a meaningful relationship after the affair. I think alot of the pain came due to dealing with the affair and then dealing with the divorce.
You question is do we think that you should try again. I say 'yes' eventually but 'no' for now. I think that you should both take some more time out as individuals. You need to continue to move on and work on yourself and your self esteem issues. You both were together very young and he is all that you really know. Try staying single for a while and give your self more time. You may be scared that if you give it more time, he may find someone else and that you would have trully lost him. But, if he really wants to be with you he will fight for you no matter what.
Remember that your family love you and have your best interest at heart. They want to see you healed and I think they will pressure you less once they believe that you have your independence back and are in a much better mental state. They may not worry as much if you get back with him as they may feel that you are more able to cope with life on your own if all else fails.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): I'm with starfairy and Collaroy.
Just one other thing - the support of your family is important. If I were you I'd have an in-depth discussion with them about the whole situation before making any decision, and see if they will be behind you or not if you do decide to give it another go. It helps if there's no conflict with family members, and they, as well as you, would need to be happy with the situation if harmony is to be preserved. If everyone is happy all round there's a better chance of making it work the second time around.
Phil
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 If he is genuine and remorseful , then you ought to give him another chance. If you love him , you should forgive him and start a new life again.
We cannot be stereotype and think that he did it once and he cannot be trusted and he will do it again.This is a wrong assumption. Not everyone is the same and we have to deal with it case by case basis. You must be prepared that he may succumbed to temptations.There is a higher probability but we should not think negatively. We should think positively.
If you love him ,you will forgive him and take him back.
Don't worry about your family , they will slowly come around to forgive you. It is your life and happiness. As long as you are happy , that is what counts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): If he is the one fighting for you and desperately trying to get you to forgive him, then maybe. But he cheats on you, breaks up your marriage and so soon has moved on to another girl...I think you should be strong and let him sweat it out some more. Let him really really regret it. So much that he is crying and begging.
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A
male
reader, rigwire  +, writes (10 January 2008):
Hello,
My vote is NO. First of all I feel you when you say you still have a strong feeling for him. Its only predictable that your going to have feelings for him. After all you two shared a big chunk of your lives together, and nothing can give that back to you. All you have to do is lean foward and not re-live the past. Once he cheated on you, he pretty much said, "I am not willing". That right there is enough to find a better love life. Remember the saying about more fish in the sea...lol pretty corny but none the less very true. Dont be scared, there are hundreds going through the same situation but only few doing the right things. If you dont get anything from this answer blog, listen to your family this time! Now I don't know your whole situation but please listen to your heart but also your mind. Good luck hun. if you dont mind. please post or message me and tell me what discision you went with. :) take care
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (10 January 2008):
 I feel you are making a mistake trying to go back to him. If you were going to resolve things you should have done it while you were still married. But that book has been closed once you got the divorce. What were you thinking when you divorced him? How has that all changed all of a sudden? I think the only reason you’re so stick with him is because he's all you have ever known for the last ten years. DO you realize there a millions of guys out there, who could love you and be faithful and true to you....for your own self respect you did the right thing divorcing him; your family and friends have backed you on this, and you know it...but to go back to him now?
You probably deep down are just still attracted to him on a physical level. You have to learn to discard that and move on. Please reconsider your feelings for him. Do you really want to set yourself up to be hurt again?
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Hi,
I have to say you seem rather nonchalant about dumping your current boyfriend to go back to your cheating ex. He is also prepared to cheat on his new girlfriend. This is not really a good track record. In fact you are both being very dishonest towards your current partners by communicating behind their backs.
Imagine what will happen if you go back to him and he cheats again, you will find it very hard to get any sympathy from family and friends and without that support group to help you along where will you be? I'm sure your family and friends helped you with your depression before, this would have been a very worrying and stressful time for them, by going back to this man they will be absolutely shocked.
Just a warning that's all, if you feel you really belong together then its your choice.
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A
female
reader, Blueiis +, writes (10 January 2008):
Blueiis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks starfairy xx that is the big question can I trust him? all I know is that I do still love him even after all the terrible things that have happened and I believe he feels the same, we have talked on the phone tonight hence the help needed. We have both said that we are not happy with our current partners which is awful in its self. I do care very much for my boyfriend but I am searching for something that he cant provide me with. I feel so lonely and confused and I dont want to make and rash choices!! I have suggested that my ex and I go away for a couple of days to see how we feel about each other when we are alone together but now im not so sure I just dont wont to set mysef up for big fall again?!
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A
female
reader, worn the tshirt +, writes (10 January 2008):
 well if you both want to give it another go i say go for it,your both mature enough to know the concequences if it dont work out and i believe your a much stronger person now than you was 2yrs ago,as for the family thing they may not like what you want to do,but they also cant tell you what to do only advise you and hopefuly will be there if you need them.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (10 January 2008):
 You won't know if it is the right decision until you give it a go. Take it slow, date, get a feel for whether he has changed or not. The thing is - he's with someone else, and telling you he wants to be with you. Could you trust him?
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