A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My question is regarding my reaction to my husband sleeping with another woman. I found out he was seeing this woman from work and I knew he was going to her place so I kept calling and texting him all evening to find out where he was and what was going on. Then he called me a bunny boiler psycho. In addition to feeling so crap about him sleeping with this woman I am now doubting my own self. I just wanted to talk to him, to find out what was happening because it came out the blue that he was seeing this woman (I saw a text in his phone which he forgot to delete) and then we argued and he went off with her and I still can't believe he did it. Was I wrong to keep calling and texting him all night? I was beside myself with grief, crying and couldn't sleep and he would not answer the phone at all. He was angry at the time and we have since talked but he said to me 'it was a bit mad bunny boilerish'. We are not sure whether to go for counselling and I am still deeply hurt actually. In addition, the woman, whom he has known all of about a month, is saying he can't leave her as she is too attached and can't live without him. My daughters are furious with both of them and I am just all over the place. Please can anyone help me to put some of this into perspective. Thank you so much.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 February 2010):
Bunny boiler actually is the term for the psycho lover, not the wife in despair over her husband. This was an attack on you because he knows he's the one in the wrong. You've not done anything wrong at all. So stop doubting yourself and be strong. As for him, some guys make big mistakes and come to regret them. He's not there yet, he's still in 'young man again' zone. This is where you need to be strong for yourself and your daughters most. The choice you offer him is simple. You ask him straight whether he wants your marriage to work, yes or no. There are no in-between answers. If he says anything other then yes, then end it. If he does want to work it out, then tell him if it is to work, he has to stop contact, and everything has to become open. Emails, texts, everything. Again, if the answer is anything other than yes, end it. Then go for counselling, and once more, if the answer is anything other then yes, then end it. You now have to tell him what is and is not acceptable. And mean it. As for him not 'being able to leave the other woman because she's too attached', that's crap. He can leave her, just as he left you. Make your demands. If he doesn't say yes to all of them, end it. Do not ever allow yourself to be second best.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Have you read Bridget Jones' Diary? There is a brillant line in it uttered by the mother after slimly Daniel dumnped Bridget for American stick insect, that goes, Darling just go in with your head held high and look simply marvellous.
You must now go to the hairdresser, the beautician, the clothes store, the masseuse and get a manicure and peticure (all on his credit card if you can) and walk round with your head held high and ooze confidence. He will soon see what he's missing and with a bit of luck you will realise he's not worth it.
Good luck doll i'm thinking of you
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Have you heard the expression the best defense is a good offense? That's what he is doing! He is turning it around and making you the wacko!
He cheated on you and to add insult to injury...he wouldn't answer your calls and texts! No you weren't wrong! He has betrayed you! he has torn your heart into pieces!
If I was in your situation I would divorce him and move on with your life...never looking back!
Good luck! Be Strong and keep your dignity!
~BG~
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 His reaction to you calling him and checking up on him was wrong, but not uncommon unfortunately.
Usually when people are caught out cheating or having an affair, they tend to (wrongly) blame their spouse or partner to protect their feelings. It's selfish and it's hurtful to the betrayed partner.
What you or he is feeling right now is common, but hopefully his behaviour will pass and he will see what he has done wrong. What I suggest you do is to TELL him how you feel exactly, and bring to his attention that it is HIS behaviour that was hurtful and wrong, not yours. Encourage individual counselling (for both of you, perhaps) and marriage counselling if you are wanting to stay together.
But you both have to want it. If you want to stay together but he doesn't, then it won't work. If he wants to stick with you, he needs to know that it is unacceptable to keep seeing the woman he started seeing - whether he hears it from you, or a counsellor or both, or whoever.
But for you to move on from this, he needs to have remorse for what he did and SHOW you that he loves you (if he does) - but unfortunately at the moment he's acting like the biggest jerk in the world, so you need to a) give it time, b) try to go for counselling if you both want it and c) establish a no contact rule between the other woman.
Tell him what you want, and find out what he wants - whether it be staying together, or splitting up. Unfortunately that's the reality of the situation.
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