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anonymous
writes:Before my husband and I got married, we decided we didn't want to have children. Then last fall I ended up getting pregnant even though I was on birth control. We both decided we were going to keep the baby and were even pretty excited about it - then all of a sudden I had a miscarriage.I was devastated and my husband took it pretty hard, as well (not as bad as me, though). Afterwards, we discussed having children in roughly three years and we even told our parents about our plans.I was talking to him about our decision a couple of weeks ago and now he says that he doesn't want to have kids again! I'm so hurt that he's change his mind now.I told him that we needed to talk about it because it would be better to split if we didn't agree on such a huge decision - he agreed. But now he's saying that he might change his mind and to stick around for 5 years until he's come to a decision!! Well, what am I supposed to do if he decides no?? I told him I need to know sooner, but he says he doesn't want to feel rushed and that it's not a serious problem anyway.I think this is totally serious and I don't want to wait five years to find out if it's a "no!" What should I do? I'm all mopey and sad now. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): I'm sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage. If I can offer you one piece of advice from my own experience. Don't wait a year. Don't wait five years. People know whether they want children or not. Give him a few months. Don't pressure him. If he loves you and is serious about your future he'll give you an answer. My ex-fiance had a change of heart about having children after we got engaged. I asked him to think about what it is that he wants. He said that he would. I let it go for a year. I confronted him about it and it turned out to be a waist of my time. He said that he wanted to go run and do his own thing. I told him that it was fine. We could figure out how things would change and that I had no problem with him going to play poker or going to watch the race with his friends. But remember you want a dad that is going to be there for you and your children. Don't get into a situation with a man whose not around. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to have a child with you and that will be there. If there is a doubt in your mind that he isn't going to be there then maybe it's not worth it
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi - thank you all for responding. I'm 25 and he's 24. I know that right now I do not want a child, because I feel like I should have more "us" time - and he felt the same way, so we decided to wait 3 years. Then he all of a sudden changed his mind about two weeks ago.
Actually he says that he doesn't want kids because he wouldn't be able to do anything besides kid-related things for the rest of his life. He says that it will take away his all of his freedom. I totally understand where he's coming from with that because I used to feel the same way. But after becoming pregnant, we would talk about what fun it would be to have a little one running around the house. And it wouldn't necessarily have taken away freedoms, but we just would have taken another path. I told him that I wouldn't mind staying home with our child if he ever wants to go out to concerts and such (I stay home now anyway because we don't enjoy the same music).
He also says that he doesn't want to have any child of ours born into such a horrible world. He says that he doesn't want to subject anyone who isn't already here to problems such a global warming. That's when I suggested adopting and he freaked.
Oh, and I wasn't threatning - we were having a heart to heart discussion and I mentioned splitting. I told him that I didn't want him to be with me if he wanted someone else who shared the same goals as him, and I didn't want to end up being a bitter old wife to him because we didn't have a child. So I don't want to make it all about me, I just also don't want to end up feeling resentful towards him which could lead to huge problems down the road.
The other thing that has me so upset is that I've been buying little baby things here and there (like nursery decorations) so we didn't have to spend tons of money all at once later on. Now I have them and it just upsets me to look at them since they may never be used. He even was with me when I bought the stuff! I just thought if he had some kind of idea that he had changed his mind about having the kids, he would have said something like "why don't you wait to buy those things..." or something.
Anonymous (male) said that I should give him 6 months to decide. I think that's a fair amount of time.
Anonymous (female) - I changed my mind about having kids after getting pregnant because I realized how great it would be to care for someone else who is a part of both me and the man that I love. It's not that I just want a kid, it's that I want a child with my husband. But I feel like if he's never going to want to have that with me, I'll get resentful and bitter, so I'd rather not stay with him for five years and would rather break it off and not stay so attached to him if we're only going to split...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): before you get all hyped up, take a deep breath. now ask yourself- why the sudden change of heart? or better yet, ask him.
it sounds to me like he's a bundle of confused emotions, and he needs to work those out. instead of being focused on what you want and how he's affecting you, why not be selfless for a moment and think about where all his confused emotions are coming from, and how you might be able to help him sort through them?
losing a pregnancy is a horrible, painful thing. he may be scared of going through that again. he may feel inadequate to be a dad. he may be fearful of having to give up a lot of things about his life that he enjoys.
a marriage is a commitment--you don't get to start threatening ending it just b/c the other person one day says they're changing their mind about something. you have to stay calm and try to work through things, hopefully to reach a place where you both understand yourselves and each other better. and then you can have more love for each other, and you'll also know what to do as far as kids, by the way.
i know it's got to be so hard for you, b/c you were carrying a child, and now you're worried you may never get to feel that way again, but you're turning this into an extreme situation long before it needs to be. dial down your emotion level and try just talking to your husband about it -- not to change his mind or explain your point of view, but to actually try to UNDERSTAND what's going on with him. you might be surprised what good it does you both.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): Tell him five years is too long for you to be wondering what the outcome will be. Give him six months to decide as five years is such a long time that by the time it is up he will probably have long forgotten about it and will say he'll think about it!!
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 March 2007):
 Hi Honey,
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is such a hard thing to go though. You did not mention your age when you wrote. If you are still really young, then I can understand why he wants to wait. You did say that he was hurting after the miscarriage - do you think he is worried and possibly afraid to go through this again? He needs to know how you feel about what he said. You really need to talk this through yourselves and make sure that you understand each other. All this is doing is making you unhappy. It's unfair to keep you waiting for an answer. If you can't get him to talk more about it, take him to a marriage counsellor, he may have some reason that he hasn't brought up yet and it should be out in the open. Best of Luck.
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reader, cd206  +, writes (26 March 2007):
 Tell him you will wait five years for a yes but you're not wasting your time if it will be a no. The truth is that although it's good he's thinking carefully about whether he wants children or not, he has time on his side whereas you don't. Generally people know whether they want children or not instinctively and he should be able to tell you what his instincts are. Maybe he's saying he wants to wait five years before having children rather than wait five years before he decides whether to have them. It's not unreasonable to ask if there will be children in your future but try not to pressure him about it.
CD
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