A
female
age
41-50,
*adameVaile
writes:My husband had an affair 2 years ago, and we worked through issues, the affair ended and life went on.3 weeks ago we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary with a vow renewal ceremony, and I noticed after that he started acting very depressed.I questioned him about it and he says he doesn't deserve me, and he doesn't understand how I can stay with him, etc.He has gone to stay with a friend while he resolves his issues of depression/ feeling inadequate, but I don't know what to do. I love him very much, and I forgive him! How do I prove it? How do I help him forgive himself?
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female
reader, MadameVaile +, writes (7 November 2010):
MadameVaile is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl-
I am just as confused. How in the world does the guilt all of the sudden hit like that??
My birthday is this month, his is the beginning of next, and then Xmas. Yeah, it's weird and painful.
No, we don't have children. Thank God. I don't know how long to wait, and he can't even give me a time frame for his crisis. I mean, I am so bowled over. He's always been a little immature, but this is seriously taking the cake. I don't know what to do. I can't keep subjecting myself to this though, and I won't.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 Ok, call me a b..ch if you want, but frankly I don't believe to delayed guilt trips. I don't believe that the guilt for an old fling is so overwhelming and that he feels so impure and unworthy ( when you have already forgiven him ) that he needs to phisically stay away not only from his wife but from his kids too.
I think what COULD have happened is either one of this things :- either he had a very recent relapse, with the same woman or another, and I understand how this could make him feel really bad about himself ; or he tried his best but could not recapture his love for you and the renewal of marital vows made him feel trapped and depressed.
I do hope I am wrong, you sound such a nice person that I'be be happy to be wrong, but along the years my bullshit detector has become finely attuned. I am convinced that when people say : "I don't deserve you, you are too good for me " what they really mean in the back of their mind is " YOU don't deserve me- I think I could get better ".
Maybe he is conflicted because he knows he is being ungrateful and unappreciative of all your support and patience. That must be something to feel guilty about !
Wheter I am right or wrong, LoveGirl raises sensible points. You can't just sit and wait undefinitely until he
forgives himself. When that will be ?
A marriage needs two people to go on, so it's not all about what works for , it's about what works for you too. Talk to him, and agree on a period of time for him to be alone and "think"... one month ? two ?,.. what you guys deem reasonable. After that , though, he must decide - either in or out,- guilt or no guilt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Thanks for the update.
What I cannot understand is why did he leave u, and that is a major thing.
So what happens now, u just accept that he is having a crises of some sort and wait until he gets it together?
Also renewing your wedding vows and then bolting. WHAT HAPPENED? That is the issue. It is like a slap in the face and a final kick in your marriage?
How long do u wait? If it was u and u strayed then what? He kicks u to the curb without a moments hesitation?
I know u love him but plse do not be blinded by love. I am not saying leave him, all I am asking is how long do u wait with your life in tatters and in limbo?
To leave the marital home all of a sudden just doesn't gel. It seems so final and it seems as though He is not willing to move forward. Having a meltdown now is strange , the meltdown should have been 2 yrs ago when he was emotionally and sexually involved with the OW.
I wish you well but it is almost Xmas (can u believe it)
do u have kids? If yes, do they wait for him as well?
This is the time to be together and to bond and rebuild, not leaving you.
Whatever the case I wish u well and I truly hope he comes home soon . But plse do not be his doormat, waiting and waiting and waiting- this would be just too cruel of him.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, MadameVaile +, writes (7 November 2010):
MadameVaile is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl-
He insists he's not having an affair, and I want so badly to believe that, but I'm not as gullible as I once was.
He's been a completely different person since the affair- he's an open book so to speak- I have all of his passwords for e-mail, facebook, etc and have access to his phone to check for texts, calls, etc. He no longer has contact with the female the affair was with, and he has run into her in a work situation (he is a police officer, she is an EMT) on 2 occasions in the past 2 years and he immediately told me about it.
I think it's weird how right after our vow renewal ceremony (which I did not want at one point but he insisted on) he is so overcome with guilt so my only theory other than yours is that the vow renewal really hit home for him the gravity of everything. He said the guilt has been building over time. He could be telling the truth, or it could be worse case scenario. All I can do is wait it out. I don't want to make any hasty decisions and I honestly want him to heal if he needs it, or slap him in the face if he's having an affair. : )
Thank you all for your input!
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A
female
reader, MadameVaile +, writes (7 November 2010):
MadameVaile is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl-
That is what is making me nervous. Our vow renewal was supposed to be this affirmation of our love and then he can't handle this guilt? He says it's been building over time, so I don't know if the vow renewal was like an eye opener of what he did and he really "gets" it now, or... well, worse case scenario. I didn't want to do the renewal at one point and he insisted on it.
As for the affair, I caught him and he confessed to everything and has been an open book since then. I have all of his passwords, can check his phone at any time (except not right now since he's not here), etc. His behavior was different when he had the affair. He went out with friends and I was not "invited," which was when he was meeting this woman. I was suspicious, but unsure until I caught him.
So he's either being more careful, or he's not having an affair.
Unfortunately, I just sort of have to wait it out I guess. We'll see. Thanks for your input, everyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): I have another spin on this. 2 yrs later you renew your wedding vows and he suddenly gets depressed and he leaves you. Are you certain there is not more to this sudden move.plse investigate further.I find it admirable that he now feels 'guilt' but where was the guilt when he was cheating on you? How long was the affair? Did he confess or did u catch him? Is he still in contact with the other woman?You will not be the first wife to believe it is all roses only to find out that the affair never really ended. Sorry I am now putting doubt but his behaviour is just too sudden. SOMETHING has transpired. The fact that he left home means that this 'something' is a big deal. You seem like a very loving wife and want to be there for him. You both have worked through so much together, him now leaving you is a slap in the face. If he claims to love u then he better get his ass back home. Pronto! Then together work on any issues he still has regarding his affair.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 Explain that it was enough that he had the affair, and would he please not hurt you now by not believing that you have truly forgiven him. Tell him that if he wants to make it up to you, he can - by being there for you, by being with you, by letting you have the lovely life with him that you want. Tell him that only he can do this, because it is only him that you love. Tell him, you silly bugger, whatever you have done or do, I love and need you, so you aren't allowed to have a crisis. Tell him just to come back, and that you will work it out together. And then book a first counselling session and tell him that he also has to come to counselling - not to talk about you, because you are fine, but to sort out his lingering guilt.
I suspect you can't tell him too much that you love him. Remind him that nobody is perfect.
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A
female
reader, MadameVaile +, writes (6 November 2010):
MadameVaile is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I have timidly suggested counseling, and I will suggest it again because I think you're both right.... the guilt is a "good" punishment but it's overburdening him after 2 years of not talking about it and in turn that hurts me.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (6 November 2010):
 He is full of guilt, and regret. I think it's lovely for him to feel this way. That is punishment in itself. After all these years, he has realized what he has. You may have to reassure him that you must both forget the past because this is putting blot on what y ou could still improve on with your life ahead. He is a very lucky man and he knows it, but he is in danger of destroying what you have now if he doesnt get his act together. Good Luck!
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