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female
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anonymous
writes: It's come to this...I have a husband of nearly 7 years and he has a daughter (15) who now lives w/ us. Well, since she's moved in w/ us full time, seems like the marriage is seriously on the rocks. We argue constantly about punishments, etc. (this is not a good kid who goes w/out punishment rituals, unfortunately). Now, the problems have escalated. Upon finding a notebook with all her "escapades" from the past year, it's gotten bad, really bad. I am making it a point not to be home due to this because I think he needs to handle it and with a tougher hand and I'm furious at what's been going on under his nose while I'm gone...I'm sure he's ticked at me for this (staying away) but I'm ticked that we're in this because it's gotten so far out of hand...anyway, I'm a bit afraid this is getting down to the wire...any thoughts would be great. I am not sure where to turn...thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2005): As a Mom of two prior teens and one still at home here, I refer to some of these troubled kids as emotional terrorists: no matter how you look at it, the home becomes a war zone! Many things contribute to the character of a person. Behavior and attitudes of our peers, our families etc, have a profound impact on helping us develop our concept of right and wrong. Teaching those most precious to us, our children, is an awesome responsibility. But it is a privilege and opportunity to leave a positive character legacy in the lives of our children. However, we must begin to develop that legacy early in their lives. We must constantly be teaching by word and example.
It seems your step-daughter has forgotten what she was taught and she needs some boundries that have to be enforced-some rules to adhere to. If she doesn't adhere to the rule..she needs to learn that there will be consequences. Someone needs to save this kid from herself.It requires basic ideas and attitudes and a lot of -love, patience and understanding.
You and your husband need to be a unified team here and both of you need to set some ground rules with her. Cooperation only happens when you respect each other and back each other up.. You both have to be willing to listen to her, ask her questions and share feelings with her. Talk to her about the underlying problem rather than always trying to win, gain control or prove you are right. She must take responsibility for her own actions and decisions. Teach her this. And work hard at making a decision which is good for all of you. At times with her, negotiations will break down. If this happens stop for a while and have time away from her. Go and do or think about something different. When you all get together again: avoid saying the things that upset you all; talk again about the rules for negotiation find a good time and place to talk to her about present issues rather than old ones; keep the volume and tone of voice reasonable and say what you feel, exactly as you feel, without making more or less of it But most importantly, you have to gain her respect by listening closely. Not sure if this will work, but it's worth a try. If you have a problem with your teenager: choose a time to talk when they are not busy and when you are both calm. Tell her what you think the problem is - make it clear you both want to help find a good solution for her as well as what is best for you both. Negotiate a solution with both of you contributing ideas and deciding on a joint approach to make a commitment to try the idea and set a time to discuss it again.
Try to get some professional counseling for her and you and hubby if all else fails. Let her know you support her though thick and thin and be patient-she is young and confused. She does need boundries but mostly..she needs to know she is loved.
A
female
reader, Kayleighbabe +, writes (2 August 2005):
You need to take on the role of step parent in this situation..and i know that this is hard work! I think that the step parent has one of the hardest roles because you cant give direct orders because they are not your child but at the same time you have to take the upper hand. The child can often get away with so much becuase they can blame you for the break up of their parents marriage etc. Im a teenager and i have been with two step parents. Its never easy living with a step parent. If they are too nice to you then you think they are trying to buy your love. If they are not nice enough then you immediately dont like them and this can be hard to change. What you do from here is a slight mystery because really it is up to the father to make the punishment but he probably does need your guidance. He is probably miffed about disciplining his daughter because maybe he is also guilty and doesnt want to be hard on his daughter incase it backfires on him with an arguement on how he doesnt care about her etc.
You really need to sit down and talk to his daughter with your partner no matter how embarressing it is or no matter how much none of you really want to. You need to ask her how shes feeling, what she wants to do and what she expects she can get away with and what she thinks is the relevant punishment for her actions. She probably knows she is pushing the boundries and liking the fact it is creating a space in your relationship. Maybe you should try bonding with his daughter. When she wants to go out with her friends and your unsure about what she might get up to, why dont you try offering a shopping trip or lunch. Maybe she is feeling unloved or left out. I cant think of much else to put, teenagers have a very good way of not expressing their true feelings and trying to make their parents life hell! I hope my response helps, good luck.
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A
female
reader, sunnydays +, writes (2 August 2005):
I was in a very similiar situation and it did killed our relationship. We had been going out for 5 years then his 16 year old moved in. She had major behaviourer problems and my ex partner wouldn't really do anything about it, other than get all moody and take it out on me. I tried talking to him about it but he accused me of trying to tell him how to raise his daughter. I started spending time away from home as I couldn't stand being around two moody people. She ended up moving out but the damage was done and I left too. He didn't see his faults until I left but it was too late. My advice is to really talk to your husband. Even take him away from the weekend and talk to him away from home. Tell him it is killing the marriage and if something isn't done then it will be doomed. Even suggest going to a counsellor. There is not much you can do other than really make him see your side. Unfortunately in my case it didn't work but you never know for you. Good luck!
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