A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When i met my husband six years ago, he was the love of my life, and I knew it right away. In our first conversation, he told me he would marry me. I thought he was crazy, but he was right. Except, two weeks after the beginning of our whilrwind/tumultuous romance, he tried to break up with me. For no reason, he just said that he woke up that morning and wanted to leave and never talk to me again. Because I loved him, I talked him out of it. Fastforward to a year after we did get married, up until that point he was telling me maybe he didn't love me, and then telling me he can't live with out me. It varied from week to week. He would think I was amazing, then he would feel embarrassed if I was inarticulate around his friends and sink back into a sour mood. Things started to level out after one particularly nasty blow out. He promised he wouldn't judge me anymore, that he would stop trying to make me into a copy of himself, which is what most of our fights were about. Then, we had a long stretch of easy happiness. Now, it's five years later, and I'm almost thirty, and I as told him the day we met, I want to have kids next year. I want a big family. I also told him when we met that I wanted to move to the west coast. We live in new England now, and I'm from california. We decided we would start trying in April of next year. The closer we get to that date, the angrier he becomes. He feels trapped, like I'm stealing his life away. He wants to have kids, but has no idea when. He blows up at me and gets angry any time I ask him to do anything because he thinks about how I'm not worth moving to california and having babies with. Then he tells me the next day that he's sorry for being so mean, that he loves me, and can't wait to have kids. Its getting to the point that when i wake up in the morning, or when I ask something simple of him, I have no idea who I'll be dealing with. I ask him to put a dish away and he suddenly grabbed me and shook me while screaming at me at the top of his lungs. I don't know what to do, I know he means what he says when he says it, but he says he feels both things at the same time. Is he mentally ill? We can't afford counseling and I feel like I'm watching our marriage go down the drain. Every conversation ends in hopelessness, no matter what concessions I try to make, he tells me he can't promise that he'll stop using me as a punching bag. It's honest, but it doesn't leave me with much to work with. So I guess my question is, I love my husband, how can our marriage survive this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, I agree. I can't bring children into the world when this is our relationship. I told him I would wait to have them, even though the uncertainty breaks my heart. I told hm we didn't have to move to calilfornia, because I know that eventually I could get to the point where I would be happy where i am. But then he said that he's always gone back and forth about our relationship, even when he was happy, and he can't guarantee that he'll stop freaking out. I've suspected he might be bipolar or something, but this behavior only seems to exist in our relationship. He's always telling me, I've never been so angry at someone in my, or nothing makes me as upset as our relationship. He says that our relationship is the only thing that makes him feel like a shitty person. Aren't bipolar people indiscriminate in how they treat people? Anyway, I do love him, he's is the most amazing man when he's not being insane, but I grew up in an unstable and abusive home and I don't know how much more I can take! I thought that part of my ire was supposed to be over. Anyway, thanks for your advice.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Are you sure he is not bipolar?
You may want to wait to have children. You cannot raise children while situations such as these are happening. It is all up to him. But it seems as though he is playing you for a fool, using you to express his anger and then telling you he is sorry so that you will still be there the next time he decides to lash out. What concerns me is the fact that he grabbed you and began to yell at you because of something as simple as washing the dishes. I do not think the question here is whether or not your husband loves you, it should be whether you love him or not. Does he deserve your love at all anymore?
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): That situation needs psychoanalysis because of patterns in behavior, long term relationship, unbalanced emotions, etc and I am unable to help. I do apologize. Best to you both.
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