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anonymous
writes:I have been married for over 20 years. My husband has always smoked pot. I always thought this was just a phase, and that he would grow up and quit. We have grown children, and it was a big issue when they were young. I almost left him then, but was easier to stay for the kids sake. We get along well otherwise, but I think the pot has really messed his brain up. I told him it's a problem, but he won't talk to me about it. He either walks away or just laughs and says it has nothing to do with me. He knows I am upset, and has been extra nice (cooking dinner, doing extra housework, foot massages, etc...) but just doesn't see the big picture. He thinks everything is fine, but it's not. So how do I get through to him how serious this is. I am so frustrated, that I am thinking of telling him that i will leave as soon as my youngest is out of the house. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): I know how you feel, however I didn't find out about the pot till after we were married. He quit smoking for about 6 years. He started smoking again after his mother died, said it helped him with the stress. Every time I try to tell him how I feel, he just says that he doesn't go to the bar and only uses it so he feels relaxed. He is smoking it in the bathroom and blowing it out the window. This concerns me because I have four children. I think that smoking pot is something he should have grown out of and needs to find a different stress reliever. All in all, I don't know how long I can stay married to someone who disregards my feelings on a daily basis.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): I have the same problem. my husband smokes weed 7 days a week and he goes to church on sundays. i hate seeing my husband life this. i told him i hate what he does and hes says he dont care what i think. but i think when u are married your husband care about what u feel
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll good questions, Richard. I am in limbo. I don't know if he will ever respond, or if he thinks I am bluffing. I only know that I feel better having told him where I stand. That way, I can prepare financially and otherwise for the day I do walk out the door if necesssary. He can't say I never warned him. I don't know if he wants to break up at this point, but he may get to the breaking point with me because I can't help it, but I know I have been quite mean to him, especially since I gave him the letter and have gotten no repsonse. The anger just comes out in other ways.I'll keep you posted though.
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reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Sorry, I hit enter by mistake just then.
A final point I would like to make. From my own experience, I hadn't realised how much children contributed to the cohesion of a relationship. When the children /young teens no longer want to do 'family things' the relationship between the adults changes. At least that's what happened in my case, and I have observed this since in many other couples and in some of the posts on this website. You have been very open to your husband about your feelings. He appears less open. Might he want to break up? Something to think about.
Good Luck, Richard
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (4 February 2008):
Ok, I understand much more now from your last update. Thanks. No one can question your tolerance; nor your underlying integrity which is emerging as a very strong characteristic.
So you have two years. Will he choose to start doing something now, or will he wait until a couple of months before the deadline?
Meanwhile, you are in limbo. Unselfish, but making things difficult for yourself. But I suppose you are also pleased you have at least done something. One question which occurs to me is if he will take your letter seriously, or if he thinks you're bluffing.
Personally, I think a week after the letter is long enough to wait for a response from him. Some might say, a couple of days, some might say a fortnight. Of course, a verbal indication to say he will quit is one thing; actually giving it up is something quite different and much more difficult. But stating his intention is a step forward.
Regarding his job now. He is unhappy where he is, so cutting out the pot would increase his scope for change because those organisations that test for drugs are open to him. It might also be argued that sooner or later his current employer will introduce drug testing.
Does the prospect of his wife leaving him change his perspective on his job? Does he really need to stay in a job that makes him so unhappy he has to smoke pot?
Another consideration, do your finances change in two years time?
You don't have to answer these questions. They are merely for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Richard.
I did give him a letter basically telling him how I think he has changed, and that he knows this has been a problem for years now. I told him that if I am going to feel like I am alone, then I may as well be alone. And that if he chooses to quit, I would support him, and if he chooses not to, then I would have to move on. I gave him a deadline (when our youngest son leaves in 2 years for college). That way, he has time to think about things, and get his act together before then. I don't want to do anything drastic at this point, since I am not in an abusive atmosphere. He did read the letter, and has not responded. We are getting along as usual.
I know this seems to everyone that this is a sudden protest, but it's truly not. It has bothered me over the years. It came to a boiling point when the kids were little, and I almost left then. And once again, it has just gotten to the point where I ask myself why I am putting up with it. Not sudden at all, which is also why I am not going to just up and leave him.
I think the reason he smokes is mostly his job. He really doesn't like it. He has tried to find other employment, but jobs in his field are limited, and it's difficult to find a place that pays what he makes and doesn't do drug testing. I'm certain the majority of his coworkers also smoke. And I know he is getting it from one of them. I actually just discovered this recently, which is partly why this has become a big issue again.
When the kids were little, and our relationship was strained, he DID say he would quit, and knew it was messing him up. And he did quit, for a while, and things were good. But slowly he went back to it.
This time is different though. He is not saying that he will quit. He's not saying anything. And that is the scary part for me. If he does quit again, it would make a big difference to me. That is my hope, but I also think the longer this goes on without him talking to me about it, the more strained our relationship gets.
You have no idea what this means to me to be able to discuss this logically. Thank you so much Richard.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (3 February 2008):
Hi there. I'm glad you took my response in the right way. I was concerned you might kick back against it.
How did the letter go down? I don't know what you wrote, but give him time to think it through.
I sense that deep down you just want him to suddenly declare to you that he has been wrong all these years, and he is going to stop. Whilst that is unlikely, what would your reaction be if he did? If he suddenly stopped smoking pot!!! Where does that prospect take you?
Moving to another area now, I can see you are unhappy or angry with him. But why now? Why are you doing something about it now? Something has changed.
I notice you mention, "... his brain has been permanently affected.." The medics can't agree on that one, but if you take the view his brain is permanently affected then I think will let this false assumption make the decision for you.
(forgetfulness probably does show up as an aspect of smoking cannabis because you become so unfocussed. The importance/relevance of many things diminishes. My guess is that the feeling of not concentrating on everday things becomes habitual, and so I can see why you say "permanent." Better to think of it as a habit or pattern, rather than permanent re-programming).
Why do you think he smokes it as much as you say he does? Anyone taking in a drug on a regular basis is probably, though not necessarily, doing so for a reason. Using it as a coping method? Something in his personality, experience or situation?? There's generally something behind it.
Summing up. You have, no doubt, put up with a lot over the years. A lot of negative feeling has probably built up inside you. The question is whether you feel that negative feeling can be overcome if he does make some changes, OR has it gone too far for you?
If you are able to "weigh up" those feelings inside you, you probably have your answer.
Keep posting. It does help clarify your thoughts, and gives you progress, rather than the circular thoughts which occur when you keep it all in your head.
Take care, Richard
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reader, doublesquish  +, writes (3 February 2008):
There is no problem with your husband. A large percentage of responsible outstanding citizens are pot smokers.
If your husband does not drink, and just sticks to the reefer consider yourself lucky.
His pot smoking can be problematic if:
1 He cant hold on to a job
2 He gets fat from the munchies
3 He gets clumsy and inadvertantly breaks heirlooms.
If none of these 3 hold true, then its you who has the problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRichard,
Your reply does not upset me. Maybe I wasn't clear as to how his smoking has affected us. First of all, this is not a sudden change in my outlook. This has been going on since we were married. It has only gotten to be more serious in recent years.
What I say here I believe is truly not age related. He is only in his 40's. We used to hang out with our friends every weekend. Now he doesn't want to invite friends over at all, and we only see them a couple times a year. He used to ride dirt bikes, and has no interest in that now, because it involves hanging out with friends. As I said in a previous response, I think his brain has been permanently affected, because I can tell him something, and not two minutes later, he will forget. I can see this occassionally happening to anyone, but this constantly happens. He used to be just more motivated in general to work on his car, or just repair things around the house, but now he just sits around watching TV most of the time.
My children have found evidence of his smoking pot. What kind of role model does that make him? And they have no respect for him now, since he says to them "don't smoke", but he does.
I have told him its a problem, but not just because I don't want him to do it. I wouldn't really care if he did it, if he was the same person. But he has become someone I don't know.
I have told him how I feel. He doesn't want to listen, so I did write him a letter yesterday explaining exactly how I feel this is affecting us. I told him in the letter that he has until our son leaves for college to get his act together or I am gone.
I am considering leaving because I feel like I am alone most of the time, and if I'm going to feel so alone, I may as well be alone.
Does that help clarify my situation? I am happy to answer your questions, because this helps me think this whole thing through.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 February 2008):
He will see it as he has always been like it, so why the sudden change in your outlook? You saw it as something he would grow out of. Both of you are right. Equally right.
What was a big issue when the children were young? That's what you see, but you don't actually define it. He doesn't see it that way, a small or no issue. Two different views; nothing wrong with either view.
What evidence do you have that pot has messed his brain up? How has it messed his brain up? Is this your opinion to put him down, or can you point to tangible evidence his brain is messed up?
You have told him it's problem, because you don't want him to do it. He has a different view, and believes it is not a problem, because he wants to continue doing it. He doesn't see how it affects you at all. You are both stuck in your own positions. Ever thought of compromise?
He knows you are not totally happy with it, so to compensate he does some little extras. In his mind that balances everything up. (You don't like that, but instead you get this, this and this, so he thinks you should be happy).
You see the big picture, and there's some problems in it. He sees the big picture, and there are no problems in it.
You need to share big pictures.
So what isn't fine? You need to say. You've convinced yourself things aren't good, but you haven't convinced me. You haven't said at all. And I'm guesssing you haven't told him either. So go ahead. Tell him what isn't fine. Tell him what is serious. Because I don't know from your post what isn't fine and what is serious??
Why are you planning on leaving? You haven't told me of one single problem.
In your update, you start to identify some of the problems. But if he's in same age group as you, the things you mention are all also simply age related. Nothing more than that. In any event, what is so wrong about minor forgetting. His needs are changing. He's possibly becoming a little more self indulgent now he's older (don't we all?)
You probably don't like my response to you, but I'm not taking sides and I don't disbelieve you. I am just trying to get you to identify and define what is going wrong, to analyse it further. Then you might be able to convince him of your concerns, but so far your post just comes across as someone who wants their other half to be a duplicate of themselves.
Hope I haven't upset you. Good luck, Richard
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think of him as a junkie, but he is obviously addicted, and it is negatively impacting us. I think the long term use of it has affected his memory and his personality in general. He no longer wants to socialize with family or friends. I can tell him something and minutes later he forgets. I truly wouldn't even care if he occassionally indulged. But when it affects his whole personality, it affects me. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it very much.
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reader, Arkiteck +, writes (1 February 2008):
As an avid pot smoker I have to put my 2 cents in. First off, your husband is not in any way shape or form a "Junkie". Smoking pot is alot different than doing stronger narcotics. It's much more comparable to being addicted to cigarettes. I have been in a 7 year relationship with a great woman who doesn't like smoking and it has been a minor issue at best. That being said, I have stopped %95 completely. I'll tell you like i told her, before your husband stops smoking for anyone/anything else, he has to stop for himself. Until he can see the effects it's having on his life as negative, he won't stop. I stopped more for my girl than for myself, although i do see the positive change in myself and my relationship which made it worth it. But even my girl knows and understands i haven't stopped completely and still do indulge every once in a while which she is fine with. you have to actually talk to him to get through or move past it and don't let him walk away from you. I didn't see it as a big thing either until i talked to my girl about it. But don't write him off as a junkie, approach him as a person that's addicted to nicotine.
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reader, Mistify  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Hi there.
I've only been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and i had the same problem. When i met him, he smoked maybe once a month, and this really didn't bother me much, but later in our relationship, he started smoking more often. It got to a point where he would smoke 5 times a week, and this lasted for two months. I then sat him down, and told him, that i don't want to be with a junkie. I told him that i have a child to look after, and i don't trust him around her when he's high, and also that i feel that he could 'escape' from his everyday stresses in other ways. I showed him a few: playstation, movies, going for a walk, taking a drive etc.
I explained to him that i also had daily stresses that i needed to escape from, and that i don't need to turn to drugs to do it. And i also told him that i feel he is not only 'escaping' from his stresses, but he's escaping from me. I told him this hurts me very much.
I told him, that if he doesn't at least pipe it down to once a month, i would leave him, because i couldn't stand seeing him destroy himself and our relationship like this.
He has now quit entirely.
If it really bothers you that much, and if your husband really loves you enough, he will at least come to the point of compromise.
It is not an easy task to admit you have a problem, but maybe if you show him HOW it is a problem, he will start to see the light.
If he doesn't, then you are right for wanting to get yourself out of this situation. When people are high all the time, then what use are they as partners ANYWAY?
Good luck. I wish you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. I have point blank asked him if he is choosing me or the pot. He just doesn't answer. He says pot has nothing to do with me. I am at this moment trying to write a letter to him. I want it to not sound like I am nagging, but want to let him know how I feel.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (1 February 2008):
 He's been doing this for 20 years and is dependent on it now and to be perfectly honest the thought of giving it up will absolutely terrify him! He feels he needs pot the same as he needs air to breathe. Anything you say to him will only come across as nagging. You see he's got to see it as a problem and he's got to WANT to stop. Until he changes his mindset and admits to having a problem and wanting to give up then he'll continue doing it. Talk to him again about it, tell him you know it will be hard for him and let you know you'll be behind him every step of the way. Point out the negative effects it's having on you all too.
If he still refuses point blank then maybe leaving him (take the youngest with you) and going back to stay with a friend or your parents, albeit temporarily might be the alarm call he needs to see just how seriously it's affecting you. He'll also have time to sit and think it over while you're gone.
Eve
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