A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I really need some perspective on what I'm feeling and for someone just to give me some real home truths if possible. I have been married for almost 3 years now and it's been a very rocky marriage from day dot. Prior to marriage my partner and I were extremely loving and happy. We were together for 5 years prior and then got married. His parent's are always in our business and it has always caused us a bit of friction. Either way we have tried to work through and have learnt to get past our family differences. The problem is when we argue he never actually talks to me about the issues and solutions but rather gives me the silent treatment. He doesnt speak to me after an argument for around an average of 3 weeks. It's horrible and causes me so many insecurities. The tension and pain hurts me. I have spoken to him about that but he says he's doesn't care and that u shouldnt argue with him then. I've always said it's healthy to air out difficulties but he's very much a let bury it under the hatchet and never ever speak about what upsets us or hurts us. I struggle to keep things within and come from a mindset where we should discuss any upsets. The silent treatment only breaks once I apologise or run to him pleading with him to talk to me and return back to 'normal' it's now becoming a regular thing as we are arguing more. I understand sometimes when people are upset they need space and I respect that and usually leave him for a few days but 3 weeks without talking is just having a toll on me. When he is like that, it's surreal how he can just turn off his love and care for me. If I'm out and he's giving me silent treatment he won't even message to see if I'm OK etc. It's like he doesn't care what I'm doing. At the moment, he isn't talking to me as we fought over something as trivial as what to have for dinner. I am staying at my mums for a few days and haven't heard from him once. It hurts that he hasn't even message especially when I'm so far away. I have messaged a few times to say hello and ask if he's eaten etc but he has barely replied and said he's busy with work. It upsets me as we are suppose to be in an adult marriage not just some pass time fling. Am I being too needy? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 August 2020):
 I would ask him (when he ISN'R being silent), how the two of you can solve issues that crop up if his participation becomes silence from him.
You can't clap with one hand, OP and you can't work on a marriage or relationships without BOTH spouses WANTING to fix things. It takes 2.
Like YCNBS mentions, What happens if/when you have kids? Do you really think this would be a good and healthy environment for a child to grow up in?
Is this HOW you see your life? With you walking on eggshells so no arguments or disagreements happen, so you won't be shut out?
My husband and I rarely have disagreements. RARELY, but they do happen. And we both have agreed to take a time out IF needed so we can discuss it more calmly. We are both stubborn so this really helps. Because it gives us time to look at things from the other end. Does it mean we always agree? No. But we can usually find a compromise that will work.
YOU have to decide if this is OK or not. I don't think it's likely that he will stop doing this. OBVIOUSLY he quite enjoys this. He knows how it gives you anxiety and upsets you, so he stretches it out. My guess? To get you to grovel and apologize. Or to simply just comply.
It's a pretty simple manipulation strategy that works on most works - but not all, and not for a long time. Most people (men and women) will have a limit to what they will endure. And what they find acceptable.
Silent treatment IS NOT acceptable in a marriage. Ever.
It's disrespectful and cruel.
And it makes it seem pretty clearly that he really doesn't give a shit.
It's his way or the highway.
Right now, it's actually up to you. Do you really want a marriage where you have to run home to mom because he is being a dick? Is THAT the kind of marriage you want?
Why do you even message him when you know he is pulling a "silent treatment" on you? The more you message the more he will take it as HE is "winning" even if you are both losing.
Let's say he hit you instead of silence. (yes, I know silence is not violence - but for argument's sake) Or that he YELLED and screamed at you. Would you still stay?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): So you are married to a silent abuser, I knew one of those types, quite acceptable a little bit of space to think things over sometimes and sulk a little when things get heated and healthy to have a bit of space. When it turns into a way of life and pattern, boy does it get weary and heavy. If he won't resolve it by communication then for three weeks REMOVE yourself from that environment and let him know you will return, when he does. He creates his own bad environment and you don't need to be in it suffering, this gives the abuser fuel, put his fire out, and do not accept this behavior anymore. Be kind to yourself and enjoy a quiet time that you create without the bad energy that will be draining you. This type of abuse is very damaging over time and is very cruel, stop pleading with him and FEEDING his bad behavior. Stop waiting for texts counting time and get on with life, if somebody wants to be with you, they will be.I stopped feeding this behavior years ago and accepted that even love could not heal the feeling of been psychologically and systematically broken. If people want to be kind and loving they will be, I don't try and work out the middle ground anymore. Life is too short for all this nonsense, be happy, be free, laugh, and love a lot, with somebody new if he can't or won't join in or let him soak in his own negative energy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 August 2020):
 Are you being too needy in expecting your adult husband to discuss problems in a mature way and not to sulk and give you the silence treatment for weeks on end if you don't toe the line and agree with him on everything? I assume that is just a rhetorical question.
Ask yourself questions which matters: Is this how I want to live? Is this all I am worth? Is this how I see my future? Do I want better for myself?
You acknowledge that some people need a bit of space after a disagreement/argument and I totally agree (being one of those people myself) but sulking for 3 weeks is way past that. Giving you the silence treatment is psychological abuse. You are already starting to crumble under his treatment of you. My advice: you need to get out while you still have the strength.
Imagine if you have children in the future. Would you want them to grow up believing this is the way adult relationships work? Children are like sponges and will quickly absorb what is going on in their home. Do you want your sons to treat THEIR future partners in this way? Do you want your daughters to grow up believing it is normal and acceptable to be treated in this way? If this was one of your friends telling you this about their relationship, what would you advise?
Get out before you are worn down any further and before you waste any more of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): The story is so often the same. "He wasn't like this before we got married." The truth is, he was! He just hadn't gotten around to putting his expertise in mind-games to use. You were dating, and your options were still open. Now you're married!
You feed into his mind-games when you fall-apart and plead with him to talk to you. You've been through it over and over; and never catch-on that you're the one empowering him by submitting to his cruelty. The more you fall for it, the more you will have to deal with it. It will become his favorite weapon; and it will erode your self-confidence, destroy your self-esteem, and he will control you as if to have a spell over you. He is working on breaking you emotionally; and it takes a very cruel person to do that. You seem to be a very trusting person, easy-prey to a narcissistic personality.
Women come to DC always trying to slip it past us, that they didn't experience cruelty from their partners until after marriage; or years into their relationship. Rarely is that true. They live in-denial, put-on blinders, and learn to overlook blaring red-flags; because they love these monsters, and will do anything to keep him. They become martyrs and pushovers for these aggressive and hyper-dominant types who use cruel-psychology as a means to manipulate, humiliate, and punish them.
Truth is, he was probably never all that nice to you. You were stronger and younger when he first met you; and he hadn't yet worn you down to where you are now. He brought you to where you are over the last five years. He was always working on you, and you were dismissing it; while doing your ever-loving best to please and appease him. You jump, when he says jump! When you try to talk to him, he shuts you down. You usually let him have his way, fearing he'd go silent on you. You just want to keep the peace. This has been going on ever since you met this guy. He didn't just pickup doing this out of the blue. It takes practice, and it becomes perfected and more effective as time passes. It starts to get to you, and the proof is the fact you've written to DC.
These kind of men or women know your emotional weak-spots; and they develop ways to get to you mentally and psychologically. Narcissists are very good at tearing you down mentally. They consistently do the things they know bother you, or can hurt you by breaking your spirit. Making you feel helpless. You're mismatched as a couple; because you're too timid, and he's very domineering and headstrong. His appeal to you may have been his controlling-personality. Somewhat of a father-figure.
When he gets tired of dealing with you, he frosts you out. You go to pieces. It's too easy. Don't you see that? He's consistently working to wear you down.
Get yourself some eBooks on dealing with the silent-treatment; and people who have borderline-personality, or narcissism. Once you understand how their minds work, you also learn how to counter their moves. You'll develop some immunity to his mind-games, and you'll also see him for who and what kind of person he really is. He won you over with charm. When you love someone, you don't want to realize or accept that they can possibly be cruel to you. It's unacceptable, because it means maybe their love was never real. Once you start feeling the ill-affects, you may as well see it for what it is! He used to be kinder, but obviously he isn't so kind to you anymore. He shuts you down, and freezes you out; with the full-knowledge of how it upsets you. He goes on for weeks at time. That's mental-cruelty. The topping on the cake, is making you stew on things that upset and bother you; insisting you deal with it, whether you like it or not.
He bullies you into accepting his bad-behavior and suffers no consequences. His way or the highway!
I have no tolerance for stubborn-people who play mind-games, or call themselves shutting me down. When you don't care to hear what I've got to say in my own house, that means one of us has got to go! If we can't work it out like two intelligent adults...fine! You will be cut-loose and ejected from my life. I love you, but it's not enough to keep you.
You should seek some therapy and see just how much damage is done. Sometimes it will drive you into depression, it will make you nervous, and your normal thought-patterns and concentration become distracted and erratic. You become less confident, listless, and your self-esteem takes a total dive. You haven't reached that point, but you need to deal with this before he drives you to it. He already runs you out of house. It means his psychological-warfare is highly effective. You've been totally fooled about what kind of man he is.
You can suggest you want to go to marriage-counseling; or just consider divorce. Men who won't talk to you don't workout problems. They are the problem!!!
My advice is, save yourself!!! He's got your number, and he is going to wear you down into a useless blob of flesh! You don't have the nerve and fortitude it takes to handle the silent-treatment, and he's a bully; God help you over the next two or three years of this. You won't know yourself!
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