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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I don't know what to think of the fact that my husband called me uptight. It wouldn't have been such a big deal had he not said that I was like that all the time and that it bothered him that he had to keep his true nature in control.I don't want to defend myself and try to convince you that he is wrong. I certanly feel that he is.This episode might seem trivial, but it got to me. He was talking about some recent news and a woman that was in the center of the story. Some don't like her, but she is a succsesful, smart, independant, beautiful, attractive woman. Anyway, all of a sudden he boiled all of her qualities into one - she has lips for a BJ. Now, had he said beautiful, sensual, sexy... no problem. But what said grossed me out.I didn't say anything and that set him off, he started putting me down. Saying how uptight I was and that he has to chose words carefully around me. Again, he never does that. He can be loud. He swears. He can even get graphic and none of this bothers me since he never objectifies women.What really bothered me is that if he really felt that way, why keeping quiet for 15 years? And also his clear need to offend me. Recently he's been having some problems in bed. We discussed all possibilities and he claimed I am not the reason. I feel stupid for pointing this out but I take care of myself. I am fit and decent-looking. He's stressed at work and doesn't eat well. And is refusing to see a doctor, for now.I feel I should talk to him about this episode, I just don't wnat to make big deal out of it.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (23 September 2016):
 It is so nice that you reply and continue the conversation. I'm diabetic and due to that have been the rounds with ED for quite some time.
There is something you can do without seeing a doctor. It is fairly effective and could really help to boost his confidence. Look up C0ck rings. I like the super soft one from Tantus.
Also add a zinc supplement to his routine. And, This one really helps, see if you can get him doing some exercise that uses the large muscles in his legs. I used to walk about three miles (in one hour), now I put flippers on and cruise up and down the pool on my back. The key is to get the blood flowing into his legs. When those vessels open up it gets more blood to his groin.
I just hope that once he gets a few success under his belt he will go see the doctor. ED usually has some underlying cause and the Doctor can treat both problems at once.
ED is only adding stress to his already stressful life. ignoring it doesn't help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2016): Fatherly Advice, I really appreciate your reply!
I stopped initiating sex, when he told me that he needed time to deal with this. I kept and keep showing and telling him how much attractive and sexy he is. But he needs help that's for sure.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 September 2016):
OK so he objectified a woman and expected you to join in?
You were right to be uptight. What he said was not amusing.
Yes a talk between you two about that is in order.
There is something else we need to talk about. Erectile Dysfunction. Your response to stop initiation is exactly what he does not need. But when he is behaving with the rude sexist comments the way he is, I don't feel comfortable telling you to go back to initiating sex.
You need to send him two messages clearly and verify that he understands and believes both. First he needs to know that you are attracted to him sexually every day. Second he needs to know that you will tolerate no abusive language. No name calling, or shaming, or infinitive generalizations. You were shocked by his comment. It was not what you expected from him. and his follow up made you question his feelings for you.
When he believes that you desire him ED and all then he will go see the Doc on his own motivation.
How can you deliver those messages in a way that he will believe them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2016): Thank you so much for your answer Honeypie!
At some point I started questioning myself... was I making such a big deal out of it? But his comment really bothered me.
You're right. He feels like a failure and is obsessed by his weak performance. He talks about it all the time, but refuses to see a doctor. Hopefully that will change.
I stopped instigating sex a while ago, when his problem surpassed the stage of unsatisfactory orgasams and reached a level of erectile disfuynction. I let him decedide when he feels up to it.
But I guess je needs to blame something (or someone) to feel better at this point.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2016):
 My guess?
This has a LOT less to do with you and a lot more to do with him.
He said what he said (and yes it's gross and immature something I wouldn't find AS offending in a dumb teenager trying to sound cool in front of his peers, but from a grown man to his wife ? Gross).
I think he was trying to provoke you. To make YOU feel bad about yourself because he FEELS like a failure as a man because he can't get it up.
As for whether he is right or not.... well, he is entitled to feel that way but so are you. And I don't know what is wrong with being uptight? By feeling it's inappropriate for a guy to diminish a woman to a sexual object? What is wrong in that? And for one's husband to be that crude? DEFINITELY a turn-off. I'd be OK with being uptight over being crude and antipathy towards women.
It was a WAY of pushing you away so you won't be seeking intimacy (sex) and he won't fail at getting an erection. And you know what? It worked.
He knows you don't like being called uptight or a prude or whatever word he chose, but he also knows you aren't going to call him on his BS.
I think the only way to solve this is talk - be willing and open to listening and be willing and open to say how YOU feel.
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