A
female
age
36-40,
*carletPenny
writes:(Sorry for the very very lengthy explanation, there is a quick summary at the end if you want to skip the novella)A while back a guy started in my office and I was immediately interested. We started as friends but I knew he'd never like me because I weighed 126kg (277lbs). Then I lost the weight, now I'm 70kgs (154lbs). We started flirting, we would go out with mutual friends and stay up to the wee hours talking. We liked all the same things, and even though both of us were pretty shy - we just clicked. He gets along great with my dad, (who he met through other connections). All our colleagues saw how we looked at each other and decided we were meant to be. Finally one night we hooked up and then spent the whole next day in bed together, we cuddled, laughed, tickled, talked, and by the way he spoke it wasn't just a one night stand to him. We were at the beginning of a relationship. He admitted I was the first girl he'd been with intimately in 8yrs. (That's EIGHT YEARS of celibacy he broke - because of me!.... Admittedly I hadn't had sex in six years either because of my weight... But he didn't have that kind of excuse.)Next day at work he couldn't stop grinning when he saw me, and for the rest of the week he was super sweet. Then he took me to a corporate trivia function (he and I were the best players at our table - and our table won first prize). One week later I received a text message which said he couldn't give me what I wanted, he wasn't as invested as I was, that he didn't want to be an asshole anymore, and that it was over. I'm not sure what went wrong because I never really talked about relationship goals, I gave him space at work, kept an active social life with my friends, and only texted him about five times during those two weeks. I followed up with one brief drunken email a few days later which suggested we be friends with benefits, which I tactfully retracted the next morning, citing alcohol and apologising.It's been a about 8 months since then, we still work together and have the same social circles, we get thrown together a lot as the only two single people in our group. We're still friends, I make him laugh, and he still teases me. Whenever I go out with any of our friends he ends up tagging along or showing up late (but rarely goes out if I'm not there). If I talk to another guy for too long he starts watching me and I can see it bothers him. I know two of his friends like me, plus the company 'Prince' (VP, bachelor, wealthy, attractive) has demonstrated his interest as well. But I'm not interested in anyone else, I'm still head over heels, I know it's pathetic. Basically I'm still in the 'fake it till you make it' stage of getting over him. Probably doesn't help that I see him every day at work and most weekends with our friends. I'm pretty good at faking it as well; I regularly feign interest in other men, have long secluded conversations with them or spontaneously drag them onto an empty dance floor and get cheered offstage. Then dismissively comment on their two left feet or boring conversation when my crush mentions them a few days later (he always grins and I can see his relief). If I ignore him at work when he's photocopying near my desk he'll make a stupid comment to pull me into a conversation. I make sexual jokes to our male friends and he usually steps in with a witty response before they do. This behaviour is all still happening as of today. But if I send him a random text message about something funny or a shared interest I rarely get a response. However; Six months ago he went home to see his parents for a few weeks, and ever since then I've noticed he has been on his phone texting someone a lot (far more than he ever did before). I found out her name by accident when he showed a guy next to me one of her texts. And a week ago I saw a woman's face as his phone wallpaper, the ultimate sign of a real relationship. Strangely, he hasn't mentioned her to any of our friends.I did the obligatory Facebook stalk of this girl. She lives across the country about an hour from his hometown. She actually looks like a me, we could be sisters. Except she's about 20kg heavier than me, with a larger nose, wears glasses and has dry/brittle hair. But she's cute in a chubby librarian sort of way I guess.I'm friends with his sister and she's told me they've been friends for years, and (while he's never admitted anything) the family has always suspected something going on between the two of them. According to his sister; I'm more confident, intelligent, conversational, and more fun to be around. But this girl does have a very sweet disposition and a solid career in physiotherapy. I hate to sound shallow; I mean, Ive been 'that girl', the underdog, the unattractive chick who plays video games and is every guys best friend. Fat my whole life. So it doesn't seem fair to judge her on her appearance.... But after losing all that weight and building my confidence, it hurts to be rejected in favour of someone supposedly less 'desirable'. (I'm objectively more attractive by average standards, and according to his sister I'm more intelligent and confident as well)...Also, what makes a nice (non-religious) guy who's been single and celibate for 8yrs suddenly hook up with someone, then date his high school crush instead? It's like I broke a seal or something.So they've been having a long distance relationship for six months, and in a few weeks time he is going home for 4 months. He'll be working 'an hour from home'... Which may be in the town she lives, or it may be an hour in the other direction. I haven't asked (since I'm not supposed to know she exists anyway).Im dreading him bringing her back here, mostly because I'll be insanely jealous. But also because I don't think I can handle having my inadequacies advertised. If he likes her then there must be something really awesome about her, so all our friends will love her as well... And I'll still hate her, so I'll be seen as petty. Plus me continuing as the only single chick in our group will seem totally pathetic. Honestly I think I'll have to quit my job and move (but I love my job!).Do you think there is a chance he'll come back and the honeymoon period will have worn off? It isn't easy having a long distance relationship, you often idealise each other, especially if you've had a crush on them long term. -------SUMMARY-------We hooked up eight months ago (was his first sexual experience in 8yrs). We started dating, but he broke it off after a few weeks. Weirdly, he still gets jealous when I show attention to other guys.He is now in a long distance relationship (with a girl who was his teenage crush, but who is objectively less attractive than I am). He will see her soon, and spend four months with her before he plans to come back here (I'm confident he'll come back, his career is very important to him).Do I still have a chance? Is their long distance relationship doomed? Or should I quit my job and move to avoid them? I've been trying to get over him for almost a year and it hasn't worked yet. (And even if I manage it by the time he gets back, I'll still be the 'one who wasn't good enough'.)-------------------------Thank you!
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at work, best friend, celibate, confidence, crush, drunk, facebook, flirt, friend with benefits, jealous, long distance, one night stand, period, player, shy, text, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 September 2016):
 Am sorry that you are going through this, off course it is difficult to like someone and have to see them every single day at work.
If am being honest reading your post it sounds like this was a one night stand. He told you he was not as invested in it as you where. My guess is that he probably still knows you have feelings for him, that is probably why he never mentions his girlfriend.
I think you need to let this one go, if he wanted you then he would be with you. Maybe she is a bit heavier than you, that does not mean he finds you more attractive, every man is attracted to different things. Some men like women on the larger side ect. Also he must like her if he made her his girlfriend. You are no better than her, if he is more attracted to her, then that is his choice.
I don't think you should leave your job, you just need to learn that he is taken focus on your own life and go out dating.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (22 September 2016):
 Attraction is about feelings. I think youre fun to be with and pretty but for men, there has to be more for them to want to come close and hold you forever. I think hes attracted and see that you like men, you flirt, you fake it til you make it as you say. But I think he's with the other girl because shes sweet, honest, loyal, maybe even shy and it makes her more mysterious and he feels safer and more masculine. Maybe just like him she hasnt had sex in long time (til he had sex with you). And due to the childcrush, I feel like his feelings for her are more tender and honest. His for you is based on fun, attraction, and friendship and work.I think youre rationalizing it a bit too much. It doesnt matter what women look like even, or how sexy or attractive, men will fall for the girl that has his whole heart and its how you talk to men...not how you confident or bold you are.I know many men who sleep around with confident sexy girls, beautiful women, successful women, but go on to fall deeply in love with shyer less attractive women because these women had sweet authentic feelings.I say just move on. Hes made it clear hes not interested in you,even after sex. A man who is interested would show interest and would text, call, and continuously try to woo you. Also just a note, what about dating men outside of work? The co-worker flirtations and constant competition may be distracting you from getting a authentic loving relationship in your life outside of work. Keep both separate if I were you. Good luck =)
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A
female
reader, ScarletPenny +, writes (22 September 2016):
ScarletPenny is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate both answers. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, but I don't 100% agree with either perspective. You have each demonstrated two extremes on a spectrum. Whereas I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle, and if I'm honest perhaps leaning (very slightly) towards the anonymous aunt. (Though I resent the implication that I'm easy, how many 28yr olds can say they've only had two partners, and can count the number of times they've ever had sex on just two hands? We were friends for a year before we had sex, and we flirted for months.)I wish I could have done things differently, but because he was shy I thought that I had to do all the wooing. A part of me knows this ship has sailed. But I have a very stubborn heart... "Get over it" is far easier said than done. And I have to see him every single day.Anyway, like I said "fake it until I make it". I will continue to show attention to other men to 'prove' my indifference. But once he is gone I'll make sure he knows how I felt, if only to drive the final nail into the coffin.All my life I've been rejected because I was overweight. It hurts to discover that being attractive, successful and intelligent still isn't enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2016): I'm sorry I don't want to be the one to burst your bubble but I don't see it like the other aunt did .I see a guy that became attracted after you lost weight .. and then you slept together very quickly .. who knows if he was celibate for 8 years or 8 months what does that matter ?? He doesn't deserve a medal or anything .. because he slept with you .. you two had sex .. plain and simple ..He told you " I'm not as invested as you!!" What does that say ?? You think he was fibbing there or something .. he's not in my opinion wanting to be with you long term .. maybe you slept together way to quick and he thinks oo she do that with anyone .. I would give him space .. start dating other guys even making just new friends .. and let him get on with his life .. He felt bad about leading you on hence he called himself an " ass" Next time make sure that you don't just let the words inflate your ego and you drop your panties .. your too good for that .. 7 months to a year is my motto with some kind of commitment like an engagement ring .. If you want it then they should put a ring on it .. If you continue to chase him .. There is a possibility this will turn horrid ..Take care
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (22 September 2016):
 Dear ScarletPenny, I think you should start being yourself again. Playing games will never end well. Before he leaves for the four months, let him know your true feelings, all you risk loosing is a little pride if you are rejected. He sounds like he has genuine feelings for you and is a decent guy, so if his feelings for you are not reciprocal, I've no doubt that he'll be respectful of your feelings. Respect for yourself and others is the only way to have an honest relationship. If it's meant to be, it will all work out. You don't know what is going through his mind, so don't go making up what may or may not be going on.
Congratulations on the weight loss, you can be proud. But don't loose sight and become judgemental of others.
Good luck, and I hope you get the happiness you deserve. Xx
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